Just a little summary of my mistakes. I want to expand on this in hopes of helping others
| My whole life I dreamed of nothing but being a father. A man that could raise children, watch them grow and leave an undying legacy.
I was granted my wish and have two beautiful girls, McKinsey and Kennedy.
I have never been so proud and stood so tall and would give them the world.
After about ten years of marriage and a wonderful life, my then partner and wife decided that maybe another man was what she needed to complete her own legacy.
Being the man and father I thought I needed to be, I granted her that wish and continue to be as I thought, the father to those two lovely girls in every way I thought possible.
I had a Great job!, involved in the community and church! Then guess what I did?
That's right,did you guess? Yes, a WOMEN! I let another women come into my life that should not of been there.Did I need to fill some kind of void? Was I missing something?
But wait, that's not all!
Wanna guess again? Can you even imagine? I still can't! What was I thinking! If you guessed drugs, legal problems, shut at my entire family and network of friends your right.I let her drive me down that long, I mean LONG DARK road. Yes the drugs! Wow I needed those pills! What was I thinking? I wasn't that is apparent. The alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, wrecked cars, destroyed property, smashed windows, doors, lost my small fortune and life savings, homes, Fire Department career, Regional Manager career and the most important and hurtful thing of all my Daughters.
After several years of letting myself, Yes I let myself, become just an empty shell of life. Like I wasn't even alive! I lived through her nights of cheating, sheltered myself, isolated my friends and family and let my daughters walk right out of my life!
By this time I was so dependent on my, we will say prescriptions, that days turned into weeks! The weeks then became months and the months years.
Now it has been eight long and stormy years in HELL. Ever been there? Let me tell you the devil is an evil person that lives off our weak and innocent souls.
During this long and ever so painful time in Hell, I would say several times, " Damn It!, I just need to pack my stuff and leave her!"
And yes I did. On three (now four) different occasions. I left and went to be with my mother the first time. Thought I could start over and re-generate my life again. I much as I wanted my girls and life back I would look in the mirror every day and there stood the Devil! "Come on Charles, just pop another pain killer!, Snort another xanex, you'll feel better" So I listened and continued the pills and continued to push those two lovely girls of mine away. Wow the didn't deserve that but I would listen to that demon ringing in my head, "Charles come on man, you will feel so much better!"
As the time passed with my mom of course I got lonely. Emotionally I was to embarrassed and ashamed of my self to meet someone new so guess what? If you said "No he did not!", Yes I did! I called that women back (We will call her Jezabelle) ! So once again here we go down that same road again. I was an underground coal miner at the time in the wonderful mountains of Eastern Kentucky. I would come home many of nights and there would be Jezabelle sitting with another man, finding text messages of love but by this time I just didn't care I felt nothing. There be that Devil in my mirror and head again "Come on Charles, let's crush one up, hell lets crush five up!" Sure why notI would always say.
I became such an empty shell, just a body with no soul or mind. Nothing to live for, cared about no one. During this time my Mother of all the things I truly loved, passed away. On her death bed I wasn't there, just took my pills. During that time my sister "We will call her Angel" had to deal with this all by her self. Her only brother, me just stayed pilled up, sheltered and distant. That Devil would say "Come on Charles, you don't them, come on drink this, short this one, shallow this one!" and I would listen.
Well after my mother passed "The Greatest women I ever known" I continued this until Christmas time that same year of 2009. Once again I came home after a long night of digging coal and low and behold "There sat Jezabelle and other man again!
So without a word the next morning, I loaded my little Dodge Neon with what I could fit into it and dove to the Angels's house my sister! Wow what a trooper. She really loves her brother. Angel new I had issues and has always known what Jezabelle has done to her brother and as far as she was concerned Angels just wanted to whip her you know what! That little voice always said please Angel she is alright just a little lost. Really! looking back now I was the one lost. Hell I did not even know up from down, front to back or left to right!
Angel and her husband, my brother in law, (we will call him Thor) went above and beyond to give me anything I needed to help me get right. I tried I really did but once again I would get up and BAM! There he is again in my mirror and in my head "The Devil". Come on Charles, I miss you man, hey crush five of those yellow one's up we will feel good!" So once again here I go and before I knew it five months are gone!
During this time the mother of my daughters, the beautiful McKinsey and Kennedy had adopted them. That's right ADOPTED!. Her and her husband said "Hell with Charles he don't care!" and I just let it happen. Boy those pills had to be really good. I now lost my rights, my daughters didn't even have my last name anymore. I had totally just kicked Angel and Thor in there inner souls and cared about nothing but crushing, snorting, popping and drinking.
By this time I was realizing "Man Charles you just let the whole world slip through your hands!' I didn't even know if I wanted to live didn't care. But guess who was there for my so called rescue? If you said please don't be Jezabelle, well I'm sorry it was. Wow, again Charles! Come on now are you that stupid! Yes I was and her I go again. Packed my care, told Angel and Thor "See You Later, I know exactly what I'm doing!' Yea right!
So without making this a novel yet because there is so much more to tell and so many more detail left to be told. I let another four (4) years pass and more cars wrecked, more homes destroyed and another small live savings go up my nose I said one day with one foot in the grave, down to less the 140 pounds of bones, nothing but an abusive and cheating women and about to just put a pistol in my mouth, something just came over me. An experience, a sense, a feeling, a different voice this time! It wasn't the Devil nor one of his army of demon's. It was a light, some kinda soul that told me "Charles you have one chance left. One chance of life, one more chance to go after your daughters, one more chance to find love and one more chance with your sister." Now remember by this time I haven't even spoke to my sister Angel or Thor in four long hard years. They owed my nothing. Why would they, looked what I have done.
So after getting out of court, again!, Hearing and feeling something I can't explain, I broke down in tears on the courthouse steps looking for a sign to tell me what to do and then BAM! My one more chance was just waiting like I was told! Angel and Thor after all this said, "Come on Charles, just come Home'.
So hear I am several months later and no "DEVIL!" No voices, no temptations and a chance to get everything I lost back. I am far from being 100% and a sound mind because I still struggle with my guilt every single day. I am clean and no pills of any kind. Angel got me a great job with her and Thor works out with me every day. I still live with them as they are my saviors right now. I still haven't been able to talk with McKinsey and Kennedy for over eight years and and yes it hurts, I mean it hurts. The pain is describable but am working on it. I know this is going have a really great ending in all aspects. The story like I said is far from over and many details still need to be told. I am new at writing so please feel free to help me as I hope to help others. If you do or have read any of this so for, I really thank you. The feedback of any nature is welcome as the writing community here is helping me in more ways then one.