*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2029380
Rated: E · Other · Comedy · #2029380
My Campfire Poem Addition

My muse Juniper and I

Okay, Juniper, my muse so sublime,
help me write my campfire rhyme
don’t desert me, I beg and plead
we’re a team, remember, we agreed.

Deep in thought, I sit with furrowed brow
Mind wanders, my sentimental thoughts allow
Straying into unfamiliar terrain of rhyming
Engaging, whimsical, I know, it’s about timing.

I think I did a lousy job of counting
My deliberation on ‘if I can’ is mounting
After this poetry workshop is through
Mandy will make a Poetess out of you.



Mandy review on this poem — Miss Bee has reviewed "My Poem to Muse Masters Campfire Workshop ~ Mages"
in "My Workshop-Campfire Class in Poetry"

Hey Jeannie!

Love this poem. *Bigsmile* You show a lot of creativity with your use of language and unique end rhymes. That's a more developed skill -- knowing to incorporate interesting end rhymes. Often, the simplest and most obvious choices are used, and you definitely don't have that problem in this piece. It's nice to see that you've used "ing" rhymes. They are very much overlooked, and I don't know why. Your poem is an example of how they add a fresh element.

What do I love the most? How you express your personality. This poem is fun, and you've maintained that tone throughout.

As a general rule, a set syllable count helps with the rhythm of a poem, but there are cases where a varied syllable count still works. Your poem is one such example. I found the movement pleasant, and much of this has to do with your use of punctuation. Great job in this area! *Thumbsup* You seem to have a great grasp on how to affect the pace of a poem and how a reader experiences your words. That's another hurdle that you've already jumped.

We are going to cover punctuation and all of that fun stuff in later modules. For now our focus is mainly on the two dominate conventions -- rhythm and rhyme. This is a good example of a triple quatrain with perfect end rhyme. Typically, quatrains have alternating rhyme, but any four-line poem is loosely named a quatrain. This also applies to your couplets. Although they are said to only contain perfect couplets, there are variations, and oblique rhyme is used in traditional style poetry, too.

There was only one line that made me pause and that was "And the suspense ‘if I can’ is mounting" I wasn't too sure about the thought "if I can." I read it a second time, and it became clear. I think the question is most appropriate, and I wouldn't suggest changing it, but maybe a word or two that implies thinking might work better than "suspense." Just a thought.

Wonderful job on this, Jeannie. I look forward to reading more of your poetry!

Thanks for sharing. *Smile*

********************************************************************************************

My review to PandaPaws — Review of "More Poetry - Form and Free Verse"

*********************************************************************************************
PandaPaws review on my poem

On 2/9/15 at 6:59pm, in a review for "My muse Juniper and I" , PandaPaws wrote:



Hi, I am PandaPaws and I am reviewing your poem as part of MuseMasters, please use
what you can and throw the rest to the wind. This review represents just my humble opinion
*Paw*TITLE:
I must admit, I was a bit confused by the title, at first I thought there were three
components; Juniper, your muse, and yourself. Perhaps a semi-color or emdash between
Juniper and my would work better

*Paw* THEME:
Your theme of pleaing with your muse made me smile. I have been found pleading with mine
as well, especially while I am at work and she is trying to get me to write poetry.

*Paw* RHYTHM/METER:
Your rhythm and meter could use a bit of work, as you allude to in the first line of the
last stanza. Your stanzas break down to the following syllable counts- 10/8/8/9
9/11/14/14 11/13/10/11. When I read the poem aloud, which I recommend any poet do with
their work, I stumbled over the second stanza, in particular the second line. It seems
rather cumbersome. Perhaps, pondering your thoughts and then trying to find other words to
fill the line would help. I have a syllable counting app, a rhyming app, and a dictionary
on my phone just for this reason. Trying to find the correct word to fit in a line can be
our largest challenge.

*Paw* RHYME:
Your rhymes are spot on, and your language is superb. I loved your use of sublime/rhyme
and counting/mounting. Great use of the English Language!

*Paw* FORM:
Breaking your poem into quatrains worked very well for your piece, each being a separate
thought. Each quatrain has perfect rhyming couplets.

*Paw* FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE:
I love your furrowed brow as you sit in deep thought. I could picture you pondering your
poem and Juniper flitting about, smelling the flowers and totally trying to distract you.
Keep pleading with her, you will prevail!

*Paw* SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
I noted no errors in spelling or grammar. I will give you the same suggestion I was given
when I took my first class on writing poetry; it is an old convention to have every line
of poetry capitalized. The current convention is to just follow regular grammar rules.
This is of course completely up to you.

*Paw* AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
see the section above on rhythm and meter.

*Paw* EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:
The imagery you used in the following lines is outstanding!

Deep in thought, I sit with furrowed brow
Mind wanders, my sentimental thoughts allow
Straying into the unfamiliar terrain of rhyming
Engaging, whimsical, I know, it’s all about timing.

Great job on your first campfire poem, looking forward to reading more of your work!
© Copyright 2015 Jeannie (sjs55049 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates have been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work.
Log in to Leave Feedback
Username:
Password:
Not a Member?
Signup right now, for free!
All accounts include:
*Bullet* FREE Email @Writing.Com!
*Bullet* FREE Portfolio Services!
Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2029380