Careful what you wish for...
|"I don't like mysteries," I said. "Why does everything with you have to be so difficult?"
Sighing in exasperation, I walked back to the car and waited for Josh to come after me, trying to explain. He simply stood where he was, staring at the ground.
Becoming extremely angry, I cranked the car stereo up loud. My Confession by Usher was playing. How ironic.
My friend Mandy told me that Josh was having an affair. I asked her who it was with, but she only gave me a very sympathetic look as she told me I should ask Josh that question. So tonight, after driving to the lake and sitting quietly for awhile, just looking at the moon - I did just that.
Perhaps it was the song or maybe Josh was just tired of living with his lies, but suddenly he visibly heaved a huge sigh and slowly walked over to where I sat waiting in the car - waiting for answers.
The moon was high and shone brightly on Josh's face as he opened the passenger door and slid in, gazing down at the floorboard.
"Jessica..." he began. "What do you want me to say?" he asked, eyes closed, a defeated look on his face.
"I want you to tell me how long it's been going on." I stated, no longer feeling weepy, only angry; mostly at myself for being a fool.
"Way longer than you and I." he said, his voice barely a whisper.
"What?" I asked, feeling shocked. I had never expected the answer he just gave me.
"If it's been going on longer than you and I...why did you even stay with me at all?"
"Because I love you, you might not believe that, but I do. I love your sweet smile, I love your heart...I love the very essence of you."
As I opened my mouth to speak, he raised a hand to gesture he wasn't finished.
"Please, let me finish...if I don't do it now, I'll lose my nerve." he said. I simply nodded and waited for him to resume.
"Jess, I do love you, but it's a different kind of love. You're so beautiful and special and you brighten up a room when you enter. The problem is, that's exactly the way I feel about Kyle. You see, Kyle Marshall and I have been lovers since the seventh grade. Yes, Jessica...I'm telling you I'm gay."
I sat there, staring at the steering wheel, my throat so dry I couldn't have spoken even if I'd wanted to. Feeling suddenly sick, I jumped out of the car and ran to the lakeshore. As I slumped over, holding my stomach, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Maybe I wanted my parents to think I was normal...maybe I wanted to be normal, by society's standards, anyway. All I know is I never meant to use you or hurt you in any way. I'm sorry, Jess..." Josh said, sadly.
"Sorry? Sorry? We had sex, Josh! A few times, unprotected sex! How could you, if you're what you say you are? How could you risk my life like that being what you say you are? Is this the part where I'm supposed to say I understand...that you can't help who you are? Well, I won't, Josh...I just won't!" I screamed at him, hitting him in the chest with my palms, shoving him back a few inches each time to give emphasis.
"Jess...we've been tested, Kyle and I. You don't have to worry about that, please understand."
"Understand this, Josh: if you want to risk your life by being gay and having unprotected sex, that's up to you. But when you knowingly brought me into the picture, you crossed the line. Don't think we can be friends, cause it's not gonna happen. All I can say to you is, stay well, Josh...and goodbye."
We had arrived at the lake in Josh's car, so I walked away and left him standing in the moonlight.