by Derrick Hill
Finding myself .
| Losing touch with the real world |
Fear has always driven me to go beyond my capabilities. The more I fear something, the more I will work hard towards avoiding the consequences. This is how my life runs; my whole life has depended on this instinct of fear. There's less I can do about it. I worry too much to the extent my head starts aching and there's nothing else that goes through my mind everything else is shuttered out, the feelings get over whelming to a point where I just feel like giving up everything.
The same fear is driving me to write this whole thing, it's my only way to release the tensions inside me. Sometimes I feel like the forces inside will tear me apart or blow me up and explode into a billion pieces. Sometimes, feel like the future is bright, at times it just hits me so hard and my mood changes from happy to sad.
I have always thought that reading and working hard would make attain closure, but it's never enough. I always feel like there is something that I am not doing right. I feel like I don't know what I am looking for, at first I thought going to high-school my chances of having a brighter future would be high. I got to high-school things got a little intense; there was a lot of fear. I feared that if I don't make it to the university I am doomed. So I worked hard, reading every minute every single second I had. Fear took over me, I had no control, and I drowned myself in books. In a blink of any eye I was through with high-school and I managed to get into a university.
At least these was getting my hopes high , I knew that if I had a university degree I had a high chance of living a luxurious life , a life that I had dreamt of . In my freshman year, I was so determined to read each and every book in the library. The vim went on until I became a third year; the flame was getting weaker and weaker. As we talk it's so low that I don't even know what I want to be anymore.
The day I that I was always looking forward to is the same day that is giving me panic attacks and head aches. I really don't think education can quench my thirst , I don't know what it is that I want, but I know something great will happen in future . The feeling always scares me to death , I don't know what I want and I don't know what I want to be but somehow there's voice deep inside me telling me I will be a great person . I don't know if I am been delusional but it's the silent voice inside me that keeps me going. It's the only thing that saves me from drowning myself in the ocean or even taking owns my life by committing suicide.
I seek to find my soul purpose in this world every day of my life but I have never found put what it is. But what I believe is,