Im a girl writing down her feelings about being in love with a girlfriend
| Okay. So there's this girl that goes to my school. Her name is Nettie and she is my whole world. I know I'm only 17 so I can;t possibly know what real love feels like. But I know that I'm completely and madly in love with her.
At first I had strong feelings for a girl named Liv. I was completely and utterly wrapped up in her from the moment she kissed me one night. Spin the bottle is a great game. For so long I went through day after day knowing that she would never feel the same way as I did. Some days the pain was unbearable I would take out my pain of everyone else. It got to a point that whomever she was with, I hated, whenever she was with someone else, I hated her. Of course that was until we shared those precious moments together. Those moments that I would play over and over again in my head to try and pick up any small detail that might hint towards her sharing my feelings. As this roller coaster of feelings went on for a year, I began to realize that it was pointless. It was pointless to get so worked up about a person that was selfish, vain and greedy. I slowly, and at some times unknowingly, started to get over my feelings for her. Something inside me clicked and I realized that she was just an ordinary person. I stopped putting her on a pedestal and overlooking her flaws, but instead opened my ears and saw the real her. And to be frank, she was nowhere near as amazing as the picture I painted in my mind. For this crack of time I felt happier, less burdened and even more focused at school. But this didn't last long.
I'm not 100% sure when I started developing these feelings but I think that it was around the time we started having classes together. I would talk to her, and it felt real. It felt genuine and kind. I felt like she understood me and I understood her more than anyone I've ever met. The more I talked to her the more I realized how much we actually had in common, so much in fact that some teachers get us mixed up. I quickly built up a huge respect for her as I felt her sincerity and honesty shine through. Nettie was simply amazing. But this is the thing, she wasn't just amazing because I would overlook all her flaws and pretend that she was perfect for me, she was amazing because she truly was perfect for me. Everything about her drew me in, her smile her laugh, her smell and even the way she would make fun of me just so she could talk to me a little more. Sometimes I have these moments with her that in I swear she shares these same strong and intimate feelings that are bubbling out of me. The way I catch her glancing at me. The way she acts like she doesn't see me because she wants me to see her first. The way she awkwardly comes up to me and hugs me for no reason. The way I make her laugh and the way she makes me laugh. The way she tells me things she doesn't tell anyone else. Most importantly those slight and almost unnoticeable touches of our hands or legs where I can sense that she is noticing the complete feeling and presence of me like I am. But all these hopeful moments are town away even quicker than they occurred.
There's this girl named Sophia, Nettie's best friend. She is always with her, always touching her, hugging her, making her laugh and instantaneously ripping out what feels like my entire being. I get angry at her and even at Nettie in these moments, like I used to with Liv. I think I get angry because I believe that Nettie shouldn't need anyone else to make her happy but me. I know this is selfish, but that's what love is right? Love is finding someone that you want all to yourself always. Someone that you want to make yours and you want to be theirs.
The similar feelings I went through with Liv I'm going through now. The feelings of passion what are quickly consumed by those of helplessness and sorrow. Nettie can make or break my day in a second. But I'm taking one day at a time because sitting here and writing this, I'm beginning to realize that I've gone through this before. It feels different, I say to myself that this is different, Nettie is different, but really the situation feels pretty familiar to me. I grasp onto some hope in knowing that I've felt this way before, this indescribable mixture of feelings that makes me want to scream and rip out my heart. And most importantly that I got over them. I can get over them, and if need be I will get over them, over her.
For now taking one day at a time is all I can do. And who knows she could confess her love for me in an epic text four pages long, like the ones I have written and deleted for her countless times. We could end up together because something like this miraculously happens. Or we could not. However, my plan is that by the end of this year of school I will be going off to university and meeting new people, not needing to see the old, so I am going to tell her. I'm going to tell Nettie how I feel. I will write another four-page text but this time I will send it. It will be epic and scary but most importantly this weight, this burden I've been carrying around for so long will finally be lifted. No "what ifs" will be haunting me for the rest of my life because I will know. I will find out if Nettie feels the same way I do, once and for all. So fingers crossed.