A wolf in sheep's clothing

A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING:

Lessons In Wooing With Wool.







Okay let me start out by saying this audio blog might not be for everyone. I don't wanna blab my name to the entire universe, but you can call me Lu. Louie for short. So let's get it all out in the open... I am a wolf. Yes, an actual howling wolf and I like sheep. There... I said it. Happy? And in case you are still confused let me say it a different way: I am a carnivore and although I like the tasty flesh of sheep and other critters like deer and rabbits, that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the fact that I find girl sheep attractive and in fact I think I'm in love with this particular one who goes by the name of Sheila. She is really hot with her melty eyes and curvy tush and I'm about to ask her to go steady with me today.

Do I need help? Maybe. Interspecies love is not too popular around these parts but it's not like I can sign up for Icky Attractions Annonymous at the YMCA and talk about it you know. Lupine State College has not been invented yet, so there are no graduates or Oprahs around to help me, helloouuw... Ahem. So let's get started. I know there are more of you out there so this is a guide to help you approach and land the love of your life. I am actually in the middle of the herd on the meadow right now so bear with me as things will come to me on the fly. And yes those were animal puns of which I am very good at.

First you must dress for the occasion. If you roll up looking like a shaggy wolf, you will scare the bleats out of her. So you have to procure a fresh suit of wool. I don't want to get too graphic here but you basically have to murder the biggest sheep in the herd because as you know, we wolves tend to be a bit larger than your average sheep and you don't want too many wolfy parts sticking out. In this case it happened to be Shauna who was unfortunately one of Sheila's more obese friends. She was one size smaller than I prefer, but it wasn't hard to run down and snack on chubby Miss Shauna. So once you get the sheep disguise on remember two things: Fresh wool skin is very itchy and sneezy so you might want to take an antihistamine or something so as not to attract too much attention and also you have to perfect the tail tuck technique. That bad boy will give you away in a flash if you don't learn how to hide it.

As a side note, you are also going to have to hide this part of your life from your home boys. Trust me, gangsta peeps are NOT going to understand. If they catch you wearing sheep threads that will be the end of it. They will laugh and call it drag and I'll be like: Maybe it might be 'drag-ish', then I'd rip one of their throats out... uh uh uh, that did not end well.

Anyway I digress. Flashback is over. What's next, oh yeah... you've got to check out who's on watch. Right now Sheldon the sheepdog is on point. What an idiot. I've got that brain dead canine in the palm of my paw. I've made that fool cry 'wolf' so many times the boss man doesn't even bother with him no more. So I can check him off my list of 'crap that can go wrong'. Still though you should have in mind if you gonna skedaddle or stand and fight if the jig is up.

Damn I'm looking for my baby girl but I'm not seeing Sheila right now. I wonder where she's at. Which reminds me: You have to know the dialect of the herd ya'll. There are regional differences to sheep bleats which is a lesser known piece of trivia. Do they say 'Meeeehn' or 'Baaaaah'? If you are down with that and you can execute, then you are half way there friend. After you blend with the bleats and all you must have your game talk sharp to impress. Once you get their tail wagging it is lights out from then on. Let me give you a couple sure fire classics that have done well for me over the years: 'Hey there, how EWE doin'? Graze here often?' or, ' There's Mutton else but EWE that keeps me smilin'.

Next thing to consider is gifts. Bring one. It is no secret that the ladies like new things so get something pretty. I got me this red cape and hoody number that will look great on Sheila. I got it off some whiny little girl visiting her grandmother last week. Oh my God, I was lying in the grandmother's bed after I ate her. I was trying on her bonnett and in walks this chatty girl scout. She went on and on about the size of my ears, my teeth... geeze, she must drive her parents crazy. I finally made a deal with her to quit talking and give up the cute hoody in exchange for me letting her go free, phew. And guys, by the way, don't forget to comment on any jewelry your girl might be wearing when you are throwing it down. Most have at least one or two of those ear ID tags the boss man puts on them.

So we are nearly done. Still trying to track down Sheila. Oh, one last thing, if things go well and you settle down with your sheep of choice, you are gonna have to provide for her and the little ones with respect to a house and so on. Me, I've got that covered too. I do some collections work on the side for this loan shark I know named Shecky. Nice fish, but pay him his money or he will dorsal fin-ish you. I take care of his non ocean accounts and I had to shake down a couple pigs recently for what they owed him. Now, I didn't hurt them, but I did have to blow down their silly hay and twig houses. Heh... scared the bejewels out of them. They ran to their cousin's house over on 34th street and I figure I can bluff the three of them into thinking that I can blow down that split level brick and mortar too. When they vacate I can just move in with the missus rent free. Not a bad plan huh?

Wait a minute, is that her over there by the bales of hay. Yep that's my honey.I'd know that padded derriere anywhere. I like woolly rumps and I cannot lie. Hmmm, why is her tail wagging away like that? who is she talking to? What... is that Sheldon? That sheepdog is making moves on my woman? Is he out of his cotton picking mind? He's a dog for cryin' out loud! Gotta go folks, gotta sink some teeth. Don't forget to like me or subscribe. Wolf out!