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Rated: 13+ · Monologue · Finance · #2034221
I've been poor forever, but no longer!
I’ve always wanted lots of money. Since I was a little kid, I put money away, hoping to someday have vast wealth. Problem is, the more I skimp and save, the more events work against me. I get a few thousand put away in the bank. Then the car breaks down and I have to buy another. Save and grow my account again. All at once the home needs major repairs. I can’t win for losing. I stay awake at night, trying to figure out ways of getting more money.

Then one day, just a little over a month ago, things start to look up. I started my day like any other. Sit down and look over the Wall Street Journal while I eat breakfast, call my stockbroker to find out any gains or losses over the last twenty-four hours, (I broke even that day, which I considered a win lately) and look at all my bank statements to see if any money appeared like magic overnight. I’m starting to get desperate. I’m not a spring chicken anymore and I don’t want to spend my next years working instead of being on the golf course or the ocean. If this goes on much longer, my despair will grow into a deep depression and then where will I be? What little funds I have will go to some shrink and make him rich instead of me. I open the computer to look up possible investment strategies. I head next to my e-mails. First dozen are the ones I signed up to get everyday years ago. And of course, everyday they are there. Then, it is as if God Himself knew the desires of my heart. My fondest wish had come true. I open up the next e-mail, here it is for you to read for yourself:

Hello, Mr. Nation

I am Barr. Phillip Butulezi, an attorney of law to a deceased Immigrant property Magnate, who was based in the U.K, also referred to as my client.

On the 25th of August, 2014, my client, his wife, and their two Children died in a plane crash. I have managed Mr. Schoeler's properties here in the U.K., monitored the sale of the properties, and the depositing of the proceeds into Mr. Schoeler's U.K bank account. By U.K law, ownership of funds in current bank accounts unattended for six years will automatically go to her majesty's government treasury. The bank recently issued me a notice to provide details of any of Mr Schoeler's next of kin within a short period of time. My late client's account is valued at seventy-two million U.S dollars ($72,000,000.00). Since I have been unsuccessful in locating any relatives of my late client in the last six years; and with the bank indicating that they now wish to start the procedure of reversion of ownership of the funds to the state, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. And then you in turn can send me my share of the money. The ratio for the sharing of the funds will be fifty per cent (50%) to me, fifty per cent (50%) to you.

All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us to see this deal through. Trust me, this is a risk-free transaction. Please send me your full name, address, and your telephone and fax numbers to enable us discuss this matter further.

Kindest regards,

Barr. Phillip Butulezi

I sat dumbfounded for a time, staring at the monitor. Out of the blue, here is $72,000.000.00. That’s a seven, and a two, followed by a whole lot of zeros. Well naturally, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, I contact Mr. Butulezi, You have no idea how grateful he was to hear from me. We discussed the arrangements to get the funds sent to me. I sent him a wire transfer for $5,000 to pay for legal fees and so forth. He is after all an attorney. A couple of days later and he calls back with good news. Everything is going along smoothly except the government has some sort of transfer fee for shipping money out of the country. Usually they don’t worry about it, but when $72,000,000 is involved, they cannot look the other way. So for only a measly $9,000, I get the British government off my back. I say goodbye to Mr. Butulezi and return to my magazine showing the latest in yachts. It is about a week later and Mr. Butulezi calls again. The money is ready to be transferred, all that is needed is an insurance policy on the cash in case something goes wrong. They need $7,500 for that. I’m a little hesitant until Mr. Butulezi explains that the bank cannot risk transferring that large a sum without some type of insurance. If something happened, they sure were not going to replace the money. I figured that made sense and sent the money. Early this morning, Mr. Butulezi contacted me again. It turns out the bank president is a cad. The money is ready to go. My routing number and account number are in the system. He has the money on his computer screen and all he is to do is to click the “SEND” with the mouse, but then he says he wants $23,000 for what he refers to as a “Transfer Fee.” What a bastard. It’s like he knows somehow the amount of cash I have left in my account. I say this is against the law, and Mr. Butulezi agrees with me. He is as outraged as I am. He says he will take this to court and get it overturned and he even agrees to do it Pro Bono. He is so angry. He says it will take probably a year or so from the time he files before the government orders the bank to make the transfer, but if I am willing to wait, he is too. The hell with the interest that would be earned on $72,000,000 during that period and he says there is at least a 25% chance he can keep the government from taking the money themselves because the six year period will be over before the case is settled, but if I am willing to risk all to stand up for what is right, he will proudly stand next to me.

Now this gives me pause. That is a lot of interest and a lot of time away from the money. I take everything into consideration and reluctantly pay the $23,000 “transfer fee". (Bribe). Naturally, Mr. Butulezi is somewhat disappointed in me for my lack of fortitude, but he agrees. I look at my account as it goes from $23,008.73 to $8.73, but that is okay. Before this day is out, it will pop up to $72,000,000 (plus $8.73).

Now I have to tell you, this Mr. Butulezi is a fool. Does he actually believe I am going to send half of that money back to him? Maybe after Hell freezes over, but not before. This time tomorrow I will be telling my boss where he can stick it and go out and hire me a butler. Perhaps I might run into all you poor people around somewhere.

So long, see you on the beach.

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