A man must perform the best con ever to evade law enforcers for something he didn't do.
My heart is racing, my breathing rapid. Is this it? Is this the end? No, I can't give up now! I feel my chest with my right hand; it was still there. A sweat rolls down the side of my head as I try to look for the perfect escape route, before it's too late!
Ok, I don't have time for introductions, so just bear with me for a while. I promise, I'll tell you who I am and why you are here as soon as I escape, well, if I escape! All you have to know now is that I have been set up by a terrible man named Zeus. No, not the Greek God Zeus, the Zeus I'm talking about is very different. In fact, the Zeus I'm talking about is the complete opposite! And, thanks to him, now the museum alarms are set off and half the city's law enforcers are coming my way. So, Zeus, if you escape and ever get hold of this, I want to express my deepest gratitude to you for what you have put me into.
I reposition my spectacles as I scan my surroundings and I spot a group of French tourists rushing to leave the gallery. Well, looks like this would be the only way out of this mess. Yes, I'll just follow the crowd! Oh, do not underestimate me; I speak French pretty well, seriously. I am just not speaking it now just in case you say I'm boasting. The French tourists throw me an odd look but are too focused on getting out of the museum that they didn't care much about my presence. Oh, if only they knew that I was the cause of all this commotion, well, I mean, a small part of the cause.
Oh, boogers! The security guards are checking the visitors one by one, before they leave the museum. And the item is still on me! It's too late; it would be too conspicuous if I turned back now. I'll just have to wait for luck to come by my side, and I hoped it arrived, fast.
The guards are doing body checks and my turn in line is coming closer and closer. My heart hammers against my chest. This, does not look good. I have to think of a solution and trust me dear reader, a thousand things are zooming past my mind at this time. Come on; come on Nicholas, think of something! Aren't you always the one that found a flaw to everything? The one that proved there was a loophole to anything? The one that said there was always a weak spot? Well, hurry up and squeeze that brain of yours, before you land yourself behind bars, for something you didn't do!
I fidget with my spectacles as the person in front of me steps up for his body check. It is my turn next! Seriously, that's all you have in your brain, Nicholas? Nothing? Nothing at all to get your sorry self out of this one? Wait, maybe....
"You, the one with the funny spectacles, what are you waiting for? It's your turn."
What? My turn already? Too quick! I haven't even thought of anything yet. Maybe I'll just try to talk it out. Guards nowadays can be quite unfriendly and annoying though. This guard in particular was one of them with his bald head and bushy eyebrows. Oh, and the fact that he never smiles and shouts at everyone really is 'helping' my condition. Have I thanked you yet Zeus? This really is a wonderful situation you have put me into. I clear my throat, ready to begin my battle, my battle against luck, time and fate. And to be truthful, things are really not going my way.
"Sir, I know you haven't got all day and I can assure you there is nothing..."
"Just shut up and come over here." yells the guard impatiently. Dear reader, have I told you how unfriendly and annoying guards can be nowadays? And the thought that I'll be facing this one just deteriorates my situation.
"Alright, sorry I kept you waiting." Now I really felt uneasy, as the power of fear slowly engulfs me. My heart quickens its momentum. Oh boogers, this is really, really bad. I fidget with my spectacles again, something I always do when I'm nervous. Then, the moment of truth arrives, the body check.
The guard starts off with my shoulders, patting me with his hands, making sure I possessed nothing I shouldn't possess. More sweat starts slithering down the sides of my face but I was eager to stand still. He goes to the sides of my body, slowly and slowly patting downwards to my waists. This was seriously nerve-wracking! Couldn't he just get on with it? Just then, he attempts to pat my chest, the only place I feared he would check, for the item was there!
"Wait, you can't touch there," I said, covering my chest.
"What do you mean I can't touch there? You're a man aren't you?"
"Yes, I....I am. I'm a man indeed and I would love to show off my six packs to you. But....but the problem is...I have atopic dermatitis. Yes, atopic dermatitis! It's a very, very contagious skin disease and if you insist on touching there, it will spread to you," I said, as convincing as I could. Oh, now I was really, really scared. Deep down, I begged, please, please be a fool you seem you are. What if he didn't take the fake? To be truthful, I don't even know what atopic dermatitis is, nor have I heard of it! The guard looked at me suspiciously. This would not hold on for long and we both knew it.
"Look, I'm just trying to protect you. You know what, if you want to check it, fine. But don't come finding me with your lawyer once you start getting the rashes."
The look on his face, the fear he displayed was priceless.
"Rashes? Jeez, you should be quarantined!" The guard said, backing off a bit, in fear of being contaminated by the imaginary disease I had just made. Yes, this might actually work I thought. I decided to notch things up a little bit.
"Yes, big, red itchy rashes you wished you were dead. Then there will be the pimples and the pus and...."
"Alright, alright, I've heard enough," was all the guard said to end the torment of hearing on. Wow, I thought to myself, I didn't know I could lie so well. Despite the reduced fear in me now that he wouldn't be checking my chest, my body still refused to let go of the anxiety until the very last bit of the body check.
"Take off your shoes," he commands and I do so obediently, knowing there was nothing there. The body check was completed and I let go a sigh of relief. I am free! I finally can escape and when the museum management goes to look for the item and discover it missing, they would never know what hit them. I carved a smile as I walk joyfully toward the main doors, escape and success finally within my reach.
"Wait, funny spectacles guy." It is the same guard again. Something wasn't right and my body knew it. Fear erupted in my body again. What did he want now?
"What is that thing poking out of your shirt from your chest? I don't suppose your 'rashes' would be that big," he asks sarcastically.
Oh, boogers! I fidget with my spectacles again. How could I have been so careless? Of course the item was big enough to be poking out of my shirt. No wonder the French tourists gave me such an odd look just now. Well, looks like I lost. There was only one way now.
"You know what, you stupid, idiotic old fool of a guard? You got me," was all I replied and trust me dear reader, those were the very last words he would ever heard from me as I turned around and bolted straight for the main doors, running away as fast as my legs could carry me. I could hear the sound of sirens coming from outside, the police had arrived. Behind me, I could hear the security guards shouting for me to stop. This was really, really bad.