That one time I comically injured my wife.
|Most nights when I hop in the shower, it's somewhat of an escape from everything. Reality even. It's like the hot water acts as a misty shield, blocks out all the noise, washes away all the drama and manages to ease the headaches of the day. It's quite therapeutic - the sound of running water. This must be why I love the ocean and its crashing waves so much.
But surely I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm convinced people who do baths have similar results.
What the hot water does do for "me" though, is allow my mind to just wander more easily then normal. Sometimes I can relax and not think about anything, or reminisce about...stuff. I suppose this is why I sometimes seem to burst out in laughter when showering. And, maybe why I take such long showers as well. Hmm...revelation there.
Of course there were times before, when I looked back and, well, instantly fell victim to the dark of this affliction of mine (really trying not to use the word "depression" for the sake of moving on). But now, I can think of the past and smile. I mean, really smile. And yes even spit out an audible laugh or two.
Of the moments I look back upon and laugh like a lunatic, one that comes to mind now, is the time I accidentally bloodied my wife's face. No wait, that sounds way too sadistic and alarming. No, it was one of those freak things that seemed to happen to us through the course of our lives together. It was a total accident right. And the way I looked at it on the night, and a little bit to this day really, it wasn't even my fault that I gave my wife a bloody nose. She didn't see it that way, she thought it was broken. It wasn't. I mean, it was, but it wasn't, like, fully broken or dislocated. During the ride to the hospital, it did cross my mind though, that it's not even our full year of marriage yet, and I've already given her an excuse to call it spousal abuse. It wasn't though, it wasn't. Later on, she would bring herself to smirk at the occurrence and simply tell me I'm "an ass," as she then laughs along with me over it. Plus, in our second year of marriage, she would get me "back..."
...Okay, so on the night that this happened, I was laying down on our bed after having gotten back from Matt's place.
I had the day off from managing the bar and Matt was hesitant to head to work because we had most of the business items sorted the previous day. So, Matt and I were just hanging out at his place watching some hockey and being bros. He and I though, call it an immature thing or just college pranks, had this thing to hit each other in the, um, well, crotch region. Yeah, maybe it is just an immature thing. But regardless, we found ourselves doing it quite often.
If you have ever seen this act, it's kind of fun to watch. Taking part in it, well, slightly not so much, as it just hurts. Just boys being dumb, I guess. In some weird sort of fashion, when Matty whips his fingers backwards, this tends to sting more then if he were to hit me dead on. Too much information, I know...
When I arrived home, I gave kiss to the wife and just threw myself on the bed, clothes and all. Not shoes, of course, as you may have read before that Jessie goes psycho when I wear shoes in the bedroom.
It was only around nine thirty or ten at night, and Jess wasn't ready for bed yet. She was just sitting up and looking at some papers for work, still wearing a t-shirt and some casual pants - things she normally dawns on after getting home from work.
I was laying there next to her with my face up, eyes closed. A little bit tired, but still awake. Jessie was saying something about having people over, or going out to a friends house next weekend. I don't know, I was half listening and not paying much attention. I do remember hearing Lisa's name (one of our married friends that didn't particularly like me much) and thinking 'oh god no'. But I said "yeah" and "sure" and Jess seemed pleased with my agreement - though, I had no idea what I agreed to - and she noted that with an upbeat "cool."
My eyes were still closed, and I was beginning to dose off a little. There's just something about women and making a bed totally comfortable with giant throws and super soft linens and stuff. I heard Jessie say something like "that's it," or "that's that." There was a few quiet moments, as I felt her rustle with the papers and the bedside stand. All of a sudden, I felt this tap on my pants. You know, my crotch.
Like I said, I had been hanging out with Matt no longer then a half hour ago. So, instinctively I rush and sit up. Or try to. That's when I hit her in the nose with my forehead.
Jessie yells out "Owe! You idiot!" and shrieks like I've heard her do a couple of times in fright. She cups her nose as I fall back down on the bed and grab my forehead laughing, shouting to her "what was that for!?"
I had no idea that Jess was even that close to me. I mean, a second ago when I blinked my eyes open, she was still messing with her papers on the far side of the bed, and now she was almost on top of me.
For some reason, when I felt the tap on my pants, I thought that Matt was there in the room, getting me back for the last time I made him wince. It wasn't him though. Instead, it was Jessie, and her face was right there to meet my head as quickly I sat up.
If you've ever hit someone in the head with your own head (weather accidentally or on purpose), you know you get an instant and pounding headache.
With my hands on my forehead, I once again questioned the purpose of the headbutt - because I was still under the impression I hit her head, even thought her hands were on her nose - was for, and Jess responds by saying that she was just trying to get my attention. Usually she pats or tickles my stomach when she's feeling a little...you know. But yeah, I guess this time she was trying something new. Jessie didn't tell me though, and she picked a hell of a way to try for my attention.
Her eyes were all teary and red from the the strike on the nose - because when you've been hit on the nose, your eyes begin to leak, weather you want them to or not. Jessie pulled a hand away from her face and it was all red with blood. She remarks a loud "shit," as she gets up runs to the bathroom. Jess doesn't cuss that much, so I sort of thought that was funny. Though, I was still sort of giggling from the headache and the sting of the impact - really, just the whole act together. I didn't want to tell her this. She's already in a mood.
I tell Jessie that I didn't know she was going to do that, and that I thought Matt had come in. From the bathroom, I hear her comment another "shit," and reply to me "why would you think he would come into our bedroom?"
"I don't know. It was just the spontaneous response of the day. To protect my stuff," I retort as I get up and head to see how she's doing.
For some reason, Jessie's blood stained hand didn't really register to me at first. But yeah, one I saw her over the sick it came to me that she might need some care.
I see her looking in the mirror, her face is now all red and spotty a bit in the crimson color. "Look at my nose, it's swelling up!" Jessie comments. "You broke my nose you idiot!"
"Oh come on babe, it's not broken, it's just...bloody." I say.
Her nose didn't look dislocated or out of place or anything, but it was way swollen. I know that the couple of times I myself have actually and fully broken my nose, it's has swelled up like that. But I was trying to calm her down and lighten her worry. It didn't work so well.
"My nose is broken Oscar. You broke my nose, and I have to go to work tomorrow," Jessie exclaims as she looked on into the reflection.
Mind you, I'm still half biting my lip and trying to keep a straight face and not laugh at this. Not her, just the situation. Because I came to realize that here my wife was trying to...you know, and she ends up with a bloody nose.
"Alright. let's get you to the hospital then," I tell Jess. I grab my wife's coat, we head downstairs and out the door. Meanwhile, I still have a headache and she now holds a whole mess of tissue to her nose. I tell her to just grab the hand towel, but she doesn't listen. There's that mood again...
During the short drive to the ER, Jessie is just sitting there next to me, not saying much. Just holding the tissue to her nose, pulling it away - to see if her nose still bled, making this "eh" noise and then covering her face once more. Making this grimacing look everytime she did so.
I tell Jess to just keep the (now mostly red looking) tissue to her nose and not move it much. She doesn't say anything and keeps looking forward. Trying to...well, really, my intention was to make her feel better - but thinking about it later on, I knew the way going about it, wasn't suitable at the moment - I asked Jessie if her nose still hurt.
She just turns her head like if it was in slow motion and looks at me with this stare. I'm still driving, but I can tell she's now flex her eyebrows in a angry sort of way. I turn and look at Jess for a second, and I can't help it, I want to laugh because she's just so mad now, and has this angry face, but still holds the tissue to her nose. So it's only half an angry face. I want to laugh, but I don't. Not externally at least.
"Does it feel, like numb, or tingly?" I ask my wife. Because if she's going to be angry with me, I figure, I might as well get my money's worth. Jessie just faced forward again, and looked on as I drive to the hospital. The laughing inside was a bit too much to hold in, and a smirk slipped out as I turn to look out from the truck. I don't think she noticed. I put a hand to my mouth to cover any other lingering smiles, which would definitely lead to full on laughter, and looked straight ahead at the nighttime road...
Once at the hospital, we wait a little bit before they take her. The female doctor sees her for a minute or less and tells Jessie that it's just slightly broken, but should heal fast. Even though it wasn't too bad of news, I was still feeling a bit uneasy now. Concerned actually. "Slightly" and "should" are not things you want to hear from your wife's doctor, or any medical professional really.
She asks Jessie how she broke her nose and then it dawns on me. "Uh oh." If Jessie tells her I was the cause of it, the lady will view me as a wife beater or something. In a sort of instinctive way, the doctor stands in front of me while Jess answers. What's that about?
But no, Jessie just says that it was an accident in the course of initiating foreplay.
The doctor then stands to the side, looks at me and asks "with you?" Like she's still suspicious that I didn't just punch my wife in the face. Yeah, I nod, and say a simple "mmhmm." I didn't want to say much else, lest this doctor might think it anything more then simple clumsiness.
"Really!?" She exhales. And then I see see her lift her eyebrows in a surprised manner. 'What the hell is that', I annoyingly thought. Yeah, sure my wife is a total babe. I mean not now because she's all red, swollen and broken. But the way this doctor said that "really" remark, it's like she didn't expect me to be married to Jessie.
"Oh... Well, yeah we get 'sex injuries' in here several times a month," she went on to say, which sort of diffused my train of thought. "Just try to to keep it civil from now on, okay." She emphasized. I gave her one of those army salutes as acknowledgment and looked at Jessie. Though, I was now left thinking what she meant by "civil?"
Jess was going to wear a brace for several days while her nose healed enough. The doctor wrote something on the chart, looked once more at Jessie and told her to be careful from now on. She then looked and pointed at me, and said "you behave okay," and then left.
The whole time the doctor was in the room, Jessie was calm and collected. She didn't appear mad or over worried or anything. Once the physician was gone, she went back to her "mood."
"I have to wear a brace Oscar." Jessie comments with a half pissed off, half stern expression. "I have work tomorrow, and I have to wear a brace on my face."
I didn't want to tell her that she was rhyming a bit there, but I did say that she was going to be fine and that we should be glad she didn't require surgery or anything extensive. Jessie still wasn't pleased, and I kind of re-engaged her anger - that had faded a bit - when I said "it's kind of funny when you think about it. How it happened I mean."
"My nose is broken you idiot," she angrily said, and went back to staring straight in front of her as I stood by her side, once more trying not to laugh out loud. I just smiled.
When the nurse came in to patch Jessie up, and after filling out more papers, we headed back home.
Jess stayed mad at me for a couple of days after, but soon it gave way to smiles and a better mood. This was the longest time in our marriage that she would ever be mad at me for. When my wife would get angry, it quickly burned off after a couple of hours, or til I did something to make her smile again. It's one thing that I can now say, I was pretty good at. Making her smile again.
In a weird sort of way, making Jessie more angry, was the one sure way to break her spells. Especially when we fought over something that was my fault, which, by her logic, was all the time. When my wife would get angry, and creased her eyebrows, this little crescent shaped notch - or wrinkle or what-have-you - would appear on her left brow. I sort of thought it was cute, and would point it out to her. Yeah, she was mad, but this always disarmed her. She would playfully punch me in the stomach, call me and ass, and progressed to cheering up again...
It's weird though, recalling the impact, I didn't feel like my head hit Jessie that hard. I mean, sure it did feel like I headbutted someone, but to actually break her nose. That was just some weird, freaky bit of bad luck for us.
We didn't have sex for a week or two after the hospital...
I didn't mean to break my wife's nose. But, in fairness, she stabbed me the following year...