This is the intro to a story I'm writing...leave me some feedback?
|The strobe lights that were cascading down from the ceiling of the club were beginning to hurt Axle McNeal's eyes. Every time he closed them, he saw their colors in vibrant rays. Red. Blue. Green.Purple. Orange. Axle takes his hand off of his fourth - or was it fifth? - beer and rubs his eyes.When he opens them again, he glances around the room and looks at the ratty posters on the wall flashing the words: "WELCOME TO THE TOP FLOOR, IF YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME AND WANT MORE COME BACK UP TO THE TOP FLOOR!" Axle scoffs and continues sweeping his gaze to the catwalk in the middle of the room. The wasn't his usual hangout. He had been in the club for 3 hours now, watching and waiting. Axle has followed Jacob Alexander, a new and upcoming lawyer in Fernwell, from his office earlier that evening to the club. Axle watched as Jacob laughed with a group of his buddies and took a hearty chug of his freshest round of tequila. Jacob was a God-fearing family man that never cheated on his wife. Unless you counted his one-night stands with the strippers from the clubs all over town. 'Bastard,' Axle thinks to himself as he watches Jacob try to stand up from his chair. Too drunk to stand, he collapses right back down into his chair which causes another round of laughter to erupt from the table. Axle turns his head, whistles for his waitress, pays his tab, and vanishes out the door. It won't be long now.
Axle was awfully tired of standing next to the dumpster in the alleyway between The Top Floor and The Pig Pen Bar. Here is where Axle had changed out of his jeans and into a pair of running shorts. He had stuffed his jeans into a backpack and placed them in his car that was parked a few blocks over at the Midlothian Park. 'Damn, where is that bastard?' Axle thinks as he lights another cigarette and puts it to his lips. He shifts his weight to his right foot and exhales. He glances down at his watch. It had been nearly 2 hours since Axle had left the inside of the club. He had thought about returning inside, but the line that was wrapped around the block and growing made him rethink that idea. Finally, he heard the familiar stupid laughter. Axle paused and listened. He poked his head out of the alleyway just enough to give him a good view of the group of lawyers bidding their goodbyes and promises to get their work done over the weekend. Then, they all shook hands and went their separate ways. This was a slight surprise to Axle, he had expected to have to deal with more than just his prey. He shook the surprise off and threw his cigarette to the ground before stepping out on to the sidewalk to follow Jacob.
After following behind at a safe distance for several blocks, Axle can see Jacob stumbling around terribly and is having a difficult time to stay standing upright. 'How silly, he doesn't know what's right and left.' Axle thinks as he quickens his pace to a slow jog, knowing that his opportunity has come.
"Hello sir. What a lovely evening, don't you think?" Axle asks politely, slowing back down to a walk. Jacob stops for a minute before nodding slightly."Had a little too much to drink tonight with your buddies, huh?" Here. Let me help you to your car." Axle says, extending his had in hopes that Jacob will take a drunken chance a trust him. Jacob is hesitant, but grips Axle's forearm. Axle grins. "Come on pal, let's get you home." Jacob nods and walks at a drunken pace. They walk together like that, Jacob holding on to Axle for dear life, around the corner and a few blocks more. Jacob reaches into his pockets which causes Axle to take in a sharp breath, but exhales quietly when Jacob pulls his car keys out. He clicks a button on them and the car right next to them goes off. "Well, there she is. Thank you my friend. I am in your debt." Jacob slurs to Axle as he turns to reach for the car's driver door handle. Axle retrieves a knife he had slipped into the waistband of his shorts. He slips it out of its leather pouch and places it at the bottom of Jacob's spine. "You can repay your debt right now...with blood." Axle whispers as he slices into Jacob's back and up his spine. There is a loud cracking sound of bone and Axle closes his eyes from the pleasure of the sound. Oh, how he loves his hobby. Jacob begins to cry in fear, it's a pity Axle doesn't like criers. "Don't you know not to trust everyone?" Axle laughs as he slits Jacob;s throat. Axle stands there for a moment to get the full pleasure of watching the life drain our of his victim's eyes. When all is still, Axle wipes the knifes blade on Jacob's shirt, returns it to the leather pouch, and returns it back into the waistband of the jogging shorts. Still smiling, Axle returns to his jogging pace and disappears around the corner.