A fun little satire I wrote about zombies.
Why Zombie Movies Are Worse Than They Already Are
An Essay by Walker Andreasen
As everyone knows, vampires and zombies are all the rage these days. Vampires how ever have been demoralized into sparkling, soft, mushy romance creatures instead of they once scary aspect they used to be. But, gay vampires are not of this subject today.
Today we will talk about zombies, and why a zombie apocalypse is actually far worse than they already sound. First, I’d like to state that I am rather confused by all the zombie movies due to the fact that either the zombies are fast moving, murdering, brain eating machines-or they’re as slow as grandmother on a Sunday afternoon and pose no threat to the human race at all. Please Hollywood; come to a consensus on how zombies should act.
If zombies actually existed, and they were slow moving creatures having a high speed of a whopping .6 miles per hour, really there would be no threat and could be easily taken care of with the first person that was turned into a zombie. Example:
“Oh no! Johnson! You accidently inhaled the Petri dish with that new virus strain instead of the one with the artificial flower-scent spray! How the hell we have these two completely different things in the same lab, I will never know, but oh God your turning into a zombie!”
Johnson would then collapse onto the floor appearing dead, skin pale, blood draining from his mouth. At this point it would be a good time to 1) Destroying the brain BEFORE full zombie affect took over, 2) Burn said half- zombie body or 3) Stand there in complete and udder shock. According to Hollywood, EVERYONE goes for choice three. Seems legit.
After a few minutes Johnson would then stand up now with several large gashes on his body, eye hanging from socket, arm missing and clothes torn. It was evidently a VERY long fall to the floor. Now remember that we are in the scenario of SLOW ZOMBIES. At this point when the lab assistant has ANOTHER opportunity to execute options one or two, they decide to go with option three once more although this time saying, “Johnson, come on quit playing. Johnson come on man. Johnson! Johnson! Aaarrrgh!!” as if Johnson would fall to the floor, gouge out an eye, hack off an arm and lacerate himself severely just to say, “Just Kidding!” This is no doubt silly.
Slow zombies are also considered retarded since all they do is shuffle around and moan. This would have given the lab assistant more than enough time to execute options one or two or new option three: leave the room, lock the door and have security come in and shot the sorry fellow in the head. See? Zombie outbreak contained in five minutes from the start. But of course, this is Hollywood and everyone is stupid just for the enjoyment of the viewer.
Now let’s take the same scenario with FAST ZOMBIES. As I stated earlier these are usually man hunting, murdering machines. The zombie apocalypse is scarier and has the potential to get away faster. For example after Johnson had fallen to the floor the lab assistant has three options: 1) Destroy the brain with the few precious moments to do so, 2) Get the hell out of the lab and lock the door behind you and call the C.D.C or 3) Stand there in complete and udder shock. And of course, option three is the course of action taken.
At this point Johnson stands up only suffering red eyes and blood gushing from his mouth. He looks at the lab assistant wildly and growls fiercely. At this point the lab assistant starts to back up slowly at which Johnson charges and attacks the lab assistant and now there are two murderous zombies out on the loose. However, I imagine that the laboratory that they’re working at is rather large and another employee should have heard the shrieks from the lab assistant. Said employee has three choices now: 1) call security/ police, 2) warn all other staff and try to get everyone away from that section or 3) not say a word to anyone and go investigate for themselves. Of course, as always, option three is chosen.
At this point we now have three ravenous zombies on the loose. Very fixable. Yet somehow the same strain of virus was released in several parts of the state and everyone is too stupid to do anything about it until there is our 4-6 final survivors in a city in which: case 1: all of them die or case 2: one survives. I only have a few major problems with these movies though besides the obvious which I have stated above.
First off, in every zombie movie the government issues a warning saying, “fend for yourselves, we’re all screwed.” Usually this statement comes out HOURS after the infection has started. There are approximately 1.8 million service men and women in the United States and its territories. Am I really supposed to believe that after just a few hours of an outbreak, our nations ENTIRE military personnel is so hindered by this virus that it can’t fight the possible few thousand zombies currently in existence? If there is an outbreak in ONE spot of an airborne pathogen in a state, that after a couple of hours it has spread CLEAR across the country affecting all of our military personnel? This is very, very silly. There is no way that the infection would spread that far without anyone noticing. If anything the government would most likely have cleaned up the mess before the general public even found out about it.
Secondly, there are 104 operating nuclear reactor in the United States. Why has no one thought of this epidemic? If a zombie infection spread so bad that it was wiping out entire cities, within 4 or 5 days of going unmanned, these nuclear plants would go into meltdown and not only will we have mindless, brain eating zombies running around, we will have 3 armed mindless, brain eating zombies running around. Muted zombies sound far scarier then your average zombie. They should make a movie about that. The upside to mutated zombies is if Johnson lived close to a nuclear plant, after a few days, he’d grow his arm back.
There is also the small problem with decaying. In zombie movies, the zombies run around for days without decay. I declare shinanagins. This would be impossible especially in hot dry places. Hot wet or humid places would be far worse speeding up the rate of decay. So in all actuality, if you happened to survive a zombie apocalypse, after the first few days head down south (preferably hot humid states) and the zombie infestation will have cleaned its self up with all the zombies having been decaying to the point in which tendons and muscles would not hold them together anymore.
The movie “I Am Legend” had it going right too. If the virus was airborne, head north because the cooler climate would make the virus go dormant, thereby rendering it harmless until warmed up. Maybe Canada has a purpose after all.