I was asked to write about what inspires me. So I did.
What inspires me?
Well that is a good question. First off, Tracy did. That is what your name is in my story, well assignment.
Since I’m late with it, I thought I would make worth the wait. For my reader’s eye, this is the first assignment I have been given by another mind, other than my own. Being new to writing still, yes I will use that for as long as I can get away with it. I struggle often to find the right words, I wish not use a puzzle cliché, instead for me I need that custom made design.
For when I write, there are many things in mind, your mind, my mind, mind you I mean everyone. People are varied and not all the same, to say something but once, the wrong way often is felt with shame. I’ve heard “I wish I would have said this”, “Oh I should have said that”. It does get worse because many people have said to me “I shouldn’t have said that”
I inspire myself, often, if more than that? Yes, more often, then I realize I’ve inspired myself to do something nice. Without sounding egotistical and looking this way in my direction. I am partially uncertain as to how we came about this assignment. You see, Tracy is my stump remover. You know, when a tree has been destroyed by nature, and must be removed. Well I call Tracy, as I have lost a few trees over the years.
Before my lawn can look brand new again, or at least appealing to the eye. I have to remove these stumps, there are quite a few. Some have long been there, others like new, all in my way. Grooming a lawn with many obstacles in my path, slows me down. To do what I need to do, not only well but to gain momentum. I have to have these stumps removed.
One day we were talking and I boasted a little about my writing. Mostly that I have no idea what I am doing, many times no idea why. I do my best not to think about it because often the things I write with no filters on. Are the writings people find something they like the most. If I sat and wondered “why write that”, I wouldn’t get much writing done, I will tell you that.
Now that I’ve enjoyed a little writing tease. Let me try to answer her question, which now sits atop my mind. I will see her tomorrow, as the stumps are not all gone. But she’s doing a good job, I think. I’m no stump expert and I know that if they are not properly removed. Your lawn will grow mushrooms, regardless how well you groom.
With the future of my grass in her hands, I’ll now answer that question as it stands. People inspire me, each and every one. My inspiration is limited in no way I am aware of, well except when I look out the window and some of those stumps. Sort of like distractions, or another’s poor actions. Very little does not inspire me, I am happy to be alive. I am inspired by life, be it a warm summers day, or something non related I heard about from miles away. I’ve a curiosity not like that cat’s. One that draws answers through much research, it’s as simple as that. What I struggle with for a moment now, or two, I don’t recall the conversation that started it all. Was it simple? “What inspires you to write?” Or did she mean something more complex. All I remember is her looking at me asking me “what inspires you?”
When it comes to my writing, that action I cannot control. Once I’m on the highway it’s like an open road. Nothing in my way, nor around to distract me. It’s NASCAR baby, no one’s going to pass me. My mind, like the throttle, opens all the way. Sometimes I don’t know the words, I look at them on paper, and see what they say. Many times I have found messages, not meant for me. I began to publish them for all to see.
Often times I know, others I do not. I just know I can’t stop writing. For books to be created, I must first learn how to write them. Now I recall the conversation we did have, I was depressed, or was I just sad. I am not really certain, for it could have been both. You see if, you knew me, and knew everything in my scene. You yourself might wonder, how I do these things.
Many people before me in situations close to, but not exactly, one like mine. Made different choices, each by design. Some have taken their own lives, others ended in violent crimes. What happened to me, I did allow. To myself I did this, I let it go on. I have no one to blame, though being human, my first thought was to try. Which you all must know, the ‘Blame Game’, is a taught behavior, one I learned well. The person once behind me, was holding a knife. Blame me for this and blame me for that, she knew it all too well.
From her I could see it, how it was born. Whether it is a habit now or something else, I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I do know that when someone blames someone else for something that affects them. They have not matured, in a proper manner, at least not as of yet. The woman who once stood behind me holding that knife. Is the same woman who had me convinced, she would one day be my wife.
Though many things happened, I do not like to write about them. I can also promise, she’s afraid, one day I might. This was the matter that was circling through my mind. Tracy could see it, in every form of its kind. I was deeply affected, just as the stumps in my lawn block my lawn mowers path. The thoughts and memories of a fake life prevent me as well, from moving in the right directions, in this thing we call life.
The pain I endured in what’s commonly known as the “aftermath” , was felt by one who’s curiosity, could not understand. I tried and I tried, I cried and I cried “I can’t believe she lied”. I said it once, I will say it once more before I lay it to rest and move onto what it is now that I do best. Many before me have been through the same pain. Each with their own story with a beginning, and what happened until the end. It’s the choices we make now, that the ones that are difficult. Unlike before, when your mind was clear. All you would think about is how the hell did I end up here? In my case it’s simple, I allowed it to happen. Still to this day, I work at repairing the damage done unto me. For it is has not been that long now, since that series of events lead me to my point.
With a curiosity so great and desire such as mine. What I do, I do with passion, almost all the time. I like to help people, so much so, it became a fault of mine. To keep my assignment inline I will cut this short. To sum things up, what happened next, was of a divine nature of some sort. The last night I went to sleep with those questions in my head, something else had happened, that’s better left unsaid.
When I awoke the next day, twas one I will always remember, and will tell it the same. My heart is pure and my mind fierce. While still faulted, I could now see, things I allowed to be effected on me. I saw the journey, that lay before me. The ‘gift’ I was given, increased the power of my energy. Mind you I’m an Aries, proud and true.
What inspires me today, aside from more cliché’s? I have an ability to inspire others, sometimes merely with only a few words uttered. I’m proud of myself, for being a team player, with qualities like mine, as I put it all together. What truly inspires me knows the world a little better. I’ve learned to fill my fault. Not with ease of any kind, I work on it a little bit most days. I once thought helping people, was all that was needed to feel good about myself, I was wrong. That is OK. I have now learned how to teach others to help themselves, in my own special way.