raised by her father she faces her fears and her world is turned upside down
Tuesday 7th October 2014
Got woken up being screamed and shaken at yet again at 3A.M this morning, apparently I was screaming, sounding like I was being murdered or something. I swear that these dreams will cost me my sanity. I know they are just dreams but they seem so real. It was the same dream I have been having for years but they are becoming more frequent and feeling more real like they are a memory, but not my own. It's hard to explain but usually when I wake up after a few minutes I forget about it but lately even when I forget what's it's about I still feel all the emotions I dreamt about but this time, it was different. I remember, I remember the start, the middle but not the end. Well at least I don't think I remember. I am not sure, I am feeling very confused
I feel like I shouldn't write it down or something and that I shouldn't talk about it. Don't know why. I feel like it might make it real or something or that someone will read this and... I don't know... I am making no sense at all... Not even to myself... I am so confused... It's like something is interfering with my thought process or something, so that I cannot think straight... Maybe I am just paranoid or something... Yeah! That's it! That's all it is... I hope
Oh god am babbling again even while I write. Maybe it's just nerves. Yeah that's it, it's nerves about next week. Truth be told I don't want to go but my dad said it will be good for me and that it's a new adventure and that I should try new things more.
Try new things, pfft that's a laugh I have a panic attack when he gets the wrong toothpaste, I freak out if there is a loose thread on my clothing or anything of mine. Yeah I know I need professional help and I have been to many but they all just say it's in my head and I say duh that's why am here then comes the pills that I refuse to take since that experience a few years ago.
The one when after a week on meds I had nightmare so bad I couldn't stop crying for weeks and ended up suicidal. Ok confession time I have always had suicidal thought but never acted on it till I was on those meds. A few things have happened between me and a few doctors so right now I refuse to see any kind of doctor I don't trust them at all I don't care what kind of doctor they are they come near me and I will scream and take a chunk out of them with my teeth or what's left of my nails.
Oh god 9 days to go till I go in a metal thing that defies gravity and flies God knows how many miles to New York then another to California. He still says no to my request no matter how much I beg he refuses to leave me behind or to move to Russia or Alaska instead.
Doesn't he remember me and the sun don't mix and that I can't stand temperatures above 15 degrees Celsius and he expects me to live in some place I haven't heard of in California. I ask why everyday but he just says it will be good for me he ignores my replied when I tell him "yeah good for me like death is good for a teenagers self esteem"
Oh crap I have forgotten the dream now. Maybe that's a good thing I am doubting everything more than usual these days I dunno why maybe it's because I have a bad feeling about leaving and going over 'There' I am sure he is just doing this to get away from his ex, talk about clingy that lass really needs to get a back bone and an education I have only had one or two boyfriends, ok maybe a little bit more than that but even I know that guys, like us sometimes need space and doesn't want you all over them every second of everyday for years that is just down right desperate.
Maybe her 'clock' is ticking and she thought that my dad was the best way to get what she wanted and tried but I can happily say failed miserably. Oh god does that make me sound cruel? No offence to the 'Ginger Nut' but I didn't want her as my step mother and I sure as hell don't want a 'sibling'
Oh, um gotta go Mrs Matthers has caught me writing again and I am sure she will read it in front of the class again. She has no respect for anyone or anything.
Well that's me in detention again, I don't see the point in this, I really don't. I got in trouble for writing while I was meant to be watching a film. Even after I explained I have seen the film like a hundred time and that I have the book the dvd and the blue ray and could recite it at will she didn't believe me then she asked me to say a quote from the scene where the boy was found and when I said the entire scene word for word she just got angry and slammed the ruler on to her desk making everyone flinch.
I don't think it helped when I said "I thought we weren't allowed to be writing when the film was on yet you were writing and it wasn't marking. Looks like a shopping list to me" then as I turned to sit back down all I heard was heave foot steps behind me before I knew my stuff was removed from the desk my bag was gone and my name was screamed by her as she angrily shouted in my face to get out. Oh I definitely know that what I said next didn't help me the slightest I said "say it don't spray it!" I never seen some go that red before I thought she was going to explode.
The whole class sat in silence no one even dared to breath or blink to loudly as I walked past them and out the door.
I don't know what came over me. I am usually the good girl that does what she is told to do and does what is expected even without being told. Put the past several weeks since the dreams started to become more frequent I seemed to have lost the filter that I usually have when speaking to anyone and the filter that I put my thoughts through its like something is switched off or broken or something, but it does feel good to let go of some anger that I didn't realise I had.
I am meant be be copying the school rules this now but I have a few copies in my bag that I will swap over when the hour is up. I don't see the point in going to school anyway. It's my sixteenth in 5 days and am out of here and I will rather go to college or get a job that I can learn from scratch an work my way up. Instead of sitting in a class learning nothing and getting detention and copying the school rules. It's all a waste of time, energy, money and effort.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I am lucky to live in a country that has a decent education system and a father that pays for it too because he cares but I think he is over compensating. I really do, he thinks that money can fix anything, and I mean anything. A chipped bone he bought me a wheelchair because he knew I couldn't handle the crutches with my fear of falling he never even made me try. I broke up with my first boy friend he bought me a large fridge freezer for my room and stalked it up on ever flavour of Ben and Jerrys and Hagendaz that he could find and ice lollies and ice poles and everything else that I liked and could eat strait out the freezer he bought be about 60 boxes of tissues plus 10 eight packs of pocket tissues and a fridge full of juice, chocolate and milk to make my milkshakes with. Even though I broke up with him because I didn't feel that way about him and was opposite from being upset, I was actually relieved.
Don't get me started when I first got my period, that's just too awkward to think about... Too cringe worthy.
I think he wants to try and make up for the fact that I didn't have a mother growing up with or a female role model to talk to and that he was always working to provide for me and to give me what he never had growing up and the fact that he works so much that we are lucky if we see each other at all for months on end and that I hat to practically raise myself from the age of four.
Don't get me wrong I am not saying he is a bad father he is just... Absent... And way too reliant on money. Hence the new job that pays three hundred pounds more than this one and comes with a house and flat and company car with the fuel paid for every weekday and a place for me in their private school for their employees children and it's less hours so we would see each other more apparently. I will believe that when I see it!
To me this sounds too good to be true, and it probably is we just don't know the score yet, I can't even seem to think of what the catch might be its a 4 year contact and if his contract doesn't get renewed he gets a large amount of money to last him till he finds another job and place to stay but I still get to go to university, not that I am planing on going to university... Just saying the word makes me want to gag. They are full of snobs that would do anything to look like the "IT" crowed.
Well that's detention nearly over and looks like am getting the Evils from the so called teacher again. Did she really get qualified to be a teacher? Just saying, I mean I have learnt more about history watching TV and reading a book or two than what she has taught anyone., but no one dare say anything because she is a bit mental. She once shouted at a first year on their first day for sneezing too loudly. The first year broke down crying and peed themselves. No one dare stand up to her... Maybe am only doing it because it's my last week here and I won't see her again so basically it's talk back and run and hide. Haha
I got home some time after 5P.M. I felt so exhausted I thought I would fall asleep while feeding the strays. Gotta keep your wits with ya feeding the strays some are just so mean and will attack with no warning. I feed them cause it might not be their fault that they are homeless and even if it is they deserve better. Oh god what will happen to them when I leave... Maybe I can get someone else to do it? Or maybe if I can catch them I can get them into SSPCA with a donation to cover the costs of flea and tick treatment and maybe get them fixed and stuff with the costs of their food am sure they can help. Can't they? Should go and research that... Maybe after a nap or after some food, yummmmmm, fooooooood.
Yeah so nap then food then research while eating packing can wait. Yey am sorted for the night and maybe tomorrow too woohoo. Ok I am getting to over enthusiastic about this I hope they find them good homes I will send them money every month from where ever I end up.
He left another 3 voicemails again...
"Hi, sweetie sorry change of plans if you need a hand with your homework call me or FaceTime me am here but I can't leave the building there is another leak, yet again anyway I know you will be ok but remember daddy loves you see you soon. Sorry I know you are a little old for that I just sometimes forget how grown up you are but you will always be my little special girl"
"Oh I almost forgot there is veggie surprise in the freezer if you want it it only takes a few mins in the mic... I hope you're ok, because I missed a few calls the past week from school, should I be worried? Listen to me ramble it's almost like I think you can't look after yourself but I know you can. Oh gotta go Mr Bossman is giving me those eyes he gives when people do something ... Different from what he wants. Oh remember to pack love ya"
"Hi, just letting you know that I haven't been abducted by aliens or anything and that I am busy at work will try and make it back before you go to bed. Remember to start packing and that we have to go to the doctors tomorrow afternoon I know I know you are old enough to go alone but if you don't bite this one or hit them there will be a surprise for ya dad loves ha there is money in the usual place if you want to go shopping oh and remember no parties no drugs no alcohol no piercings and defiantly no tattoos and please no more horrors before bed we both need a good peaceful nights sleep with no... Disruptions love ya sweetie"
And that's my father ladies and gentlemen, pfft like am going to the doctors... Oooooh I wonder how much is left of the money or if he added to it... Pooh it back up to three hundred. I am tempted to take some of it like I usually do and hide it and pretend to of bought something expensive or a gift for a friends birthday... Little did he know I had no friends
Saying that I did and pretending to buy stuff for them meant that the past six years I have managed to save four thousand pounds. And right now with the mood I am in I fee like packing up and running away so I don't have to move. Saying that though... I don't know anything about running away or how to defend myself or what it's like in the real world I barely go out when am not at school and I do my shopping online I hate being around people... I prefer being on my own I don't even know why.
Oh god why am I still rambling... Anyone that reads this is going to think that at I am a spoilt rotten selfish stuck up eejit that needs a reality check and maybe I do. I seem to be rambling on more than usual though I don't usually write like this or write this much, wait a minute, thinking about it now I barely write at all.
Whatever I think I need to go for a walk clear my head and start saying goodbye to this city and maybe try and go to Glasgow this weekend to say goodbye to that city to and make take some pictures of my favourite places and of the things I will miss...
I have lived in Aberdeen for a few years now but I still miss Glasgow everyday like I just left it yesterday. I get too attached to things I think...
Maybe I will finally find out about my mother, I don't even remember her name. I don't remember her at all I don't even have a photo of her, I don't even know where or if she was buried.