The Wizard of Oz has announced his resignation, effective immediately.
|Standing in front of a hot-air balloon at a hastily put together press conference, The Wizard raised his hands to silence the virtually non-existent applause and began his farewell speech.
"Hello, Oz, I appreciate speaking TO you, the people I serve as your Wizard." With The Scarecrow, The Tin Man and The Cowardly Lion standing on one side and an unknown political analyst named Dorothy on the other, the Wizard claimed to be making good on a promise made before the Wicked Witch of the West had her untimely demise. "I promised to show MY independence... no more conventional 'politics as usual'", he said amid the holographic image of a giant menacing head surrounded by smoke and pyrotechnics.
"My administration's accomplishments speak for themselves," he announced. "There have been zero Witch related terrorist attacks in the past month. Furthermore, not only have housing prices fallen in Oz during my tenure...HOUSES are falling, fulfilling my promise of more housing for Munchkins. But, you don't hear much of the good stuff in the press, do you?"
The Wizard informed the people of Oz that his daily duties would be taken over by The Scarecrow and his posse. Stepping into the gondola beneath the balloon, The Wizard said it would be apathetic to just hunker down and go with the flow. "Nah, only dead fish go with the flow", he said as he drifted away on the breeze.
"But technically, aren't you going with the flow right now?" The Scarecrow pondered aloud to the Wizard.
"Silence, you imbecile!" shouted the Wizard. " I gave you a degree from a state school, not a doctorate!" The Wizard returned to his crowd waving as he drifted further and further away from any responsibility for Oz. Unfortunately, while waving to the crowd below, winds of change caught the Wizard's balloon, flowing it in the direction of The Haunted Forest. Careful to save face and put down rumors of his questionable navigational skills, he screamed from the distance, "I am not retreating. I am advancing in another direction!"
The crowd bought it. The special effects get them every time. The Wizard's political appointments, however, have resulted in an emerging "Oz Birther" controversy regarding where the Scarecrow and crew were born.
"Technically, the Scarecrow and Tin Man weren't born at all, they were BUILT!" said one angry Oz-er following the speech.
While it is apparent the Cowardly Lion was indeed "born", Birthers point out it was clearly outside the jurisdictional territory of Oz, making him ineligible to serve as Ruler. Thus far, while the Scarecrow and Tin Man have chosen to simply ignore the howling mobs, the Cowardly Lion has elected to just eat them. "What do I call a Town Hall meeting? A freaking buffet," snickered the Lion. "On the other hand, it's been a hell of a lot quieter lately. Ain't it the truth? Ain't it the truth?"
But, unsettling news about The Wizard's balloon being forced down by flying monkeys over The Haunted Forest surfaced a few hours later, casting normally festive Oz into an ideological funk. Dorothy, a political analyst from Kansas, apparently was also supposed to have been on the balloon. When asked if she felt fortunate to have missed the flight, she responded, "Missed it my ass. I wasn't going anywhere with that freak!"
Dorothy agreed to stay on in Oz as the Scarecrow's speech writer and the Lion's personal chef. Said the Tin Man, "She may be from Kansas, but turns out she's a pretty good judge of what people want".