by Erin Eddison
I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. This is what goes on in my head on a bad day.
|To anyone who dares to say I seem distant,|
You would know, if you could only listen
To the thoughts that rest in my depths
That I am very here and filled with unrest.
I am anxious and scared and sad
And I'm happy and kind and glad
But I am upset and mad that no one
Can understand what is going on.
What is silence?
What is quiet?
These things don't exist for me
I'm always moving, never at peace.
Every minute my mind is racing,
Racing, racing racing
With thoughts to set my body pacing.
And as I think I move and as I move
I think how much I've got to lose.
And these thoughts make me cry
These thoughts keep me up at night
I dream I'm awake and when I'm awake I dream
That my worries are smaller and bigger than they seem.
And though I try not to, I feel terrified
At what's going on in my busy mind.
Slowly, slowly, my motivation is dying
And though I swear to god I am trying
Less and less ever goes my way
And I cry out that someday, someday,
I'll be at peace I'll lay in silence,
But now I suffer through my mind's violence
Against myself as I fall through empty air
Bruising my hope but my mind doesn't care.
And as I sit down to write I think why?
Why am I here? Why worry? Why? Why?
Why do people not understand that I
Understand what they're saying even if they try
To be quiet about it when they insult me.
Why is it so hard for them to be able to see
That what they're saying is bothering me?
Tick, tock, goes the clock behind my head.
And the worries are scratching under my bed
As I crawl in to attempt to sleep tonight
So that they can slither deep into my mind
To make sure my mind stays awake
As the dark forces my eyes to strain
As I try to see the end to my time
As I try to get the answers I must find.
And some may find it very strange
That I must go through all this in my brain
Before I can write a single word on the page.
So to anyone who tries to claim I am distant
This is what goes on in my twisted, brilliant
Anxious mind, so I apologize
If I seem distracted at times.
You would feel this way, I know,
If you went through days with no hope
Of finding peace within your own head
Any peace short of falling dead.
I must ask those who think I'm distant:
Have you ever truly heard silence when you listen?