Raw, Mature theme on a Transgenders' issue of Love.and Cultural clashing. Character study.
|Desired and the Unspoken
by Dayna Ferguson
Preface: The term "EL" is a colloquial term used in many cities to mean Elevated Trains.
The young man jumping from his chair. Shocked and thinking aloud, "What, You want me to do what? I'm no..."
”She spoke, I know that John, and I've known you all my life and you've known me too. You looked into my eyes many years ago and said to me. 'You really are a girl inside'. You knew my heart then, you saw me, and you know me now. John, just for me, close your eyes and see the woman inside again. Just, love me, if only for tonight", pleading, "I will never speak of it again, please." John stared at Ricky as though her skin swelled of boils and grudge.
"Is that why you've called me over and got all dressed up?" Though his sense of friendship was being stretched , he caused his face and arms to relax, “Ricky, you're my friend, but, I can't do that, come'on. You've lived this way, as long as I've known you. But you can't ask me to pretend you're not (gesturing between Ricky's legs)... a man. I just can't."
Tears were filling her eyes, "John you know I'm not anybodies man. look, it is just you and me, just listen to me, sit! Please." Patting the couch next to her. Ignoring her silent request, he sat in the chair opposite her. Wiping her eyes, glancing down at her pink chiffon dress she picked out just for him. Tears well up in her eyes.
A moment passes then she confesses, "John...You know in my mind and heart I've never been a man a day in my life. You know this, Please don't look away from me John. Don't turn away. Don't do me like this. Please john, just listen please, I have a heart John and you have broken it already, now please don't ignore me and crush it," He postures that he's done and wants to leave.
Realizing this in a flash of panic she appeals to him again. "Please just stop a minute and listen please."
Arresting his bolt. He standing, pauses and begins to pace the floor. then says "OK, alright, relax.” John pulls up his chair closer and sitting just before, her smiles. “Ricky, It was Ok to be you're friend and all and your a good person I know, but you gotta find someone else who can do that for you. Someone you love and that loves....
Cutting him off, she answered immediately before he could say the word she knew was next and didn't want to hear, "I love you", and repeated it, as though he might not have heard her, "I love you John, I always have. I've dreamed from time to time of making love to you..."
He was jarred by this communication and said, “Stop, What are you saying? No, I'm not hearing this."
"Just Hold me", Ricky compromised, settling with him....
John jumping to his feet again said, “,Stop it“ Looking sternly at her now, he orated stong and clearly, No. Ugh uh, GOD and me have been pretty cool up to now, but making love to you, no that's never been in the cards for me! Shit, I don't want to find out what he'll have in store for me If I were to do that."
"You want to know what GOD has in store for you?" Turning his back to her as she answers, "I can tell you what he has in store for you."
Glancing into the ceiling he says, "How would you know?".
Ignoring him she replied, “He will reward you for the small moment of compassion you could show me, I know this in my heart. Glancing at Ricky on the edge of the couch slowly finding a fetal position as he grabs his jacket and heads for the door.
"I gotta go Ricky, this is too much for me."
"John! John!" The man leaves the apartment and down the wooden stairs retreating to the stoop outside the brownstone to have a smoke and think. Each puff carrying away a mixture of the strangeness of the conversation, and his fears. The familiar pulse of the city was calming and his uncomfortably was subsiding and giving way to the rhythm of the passing people, cars and the sound of the "EL" trains. Ricky needed comfort, when he thought on it, it was only natural, but.... All the rebuttals and reviews spoken and unspoken by the voices of friends and family he thought of having to deal with after, raced through his head.
Back in the apartment, she is now alone. She arose from the couch as one does when is time to leave a wake and went into her closet for her favorite silk robe. After removing the dress and letting it lie where it falls, She slowly pulling the robe over her shoulders, as if she could draw comfort in each caress of the soft fabric as it passed over her shoulders. She moved by her floor mirror by her bedroom door without looking. The negligee was cold on her body. She knew she looked a mess, but regardless. She began making her way out her apartment doorway and down the hall stairs where she could see his shadow through the frosted glass of the front door. She got halfway when she stopped and just stared at his fuzzy silhouette. She watched the way he moved. And just beyond the glass on the old stone red steps staring off into the street he sat smoking. She hesitated, too afraid of the unknown to go any further. They had always been close till then. She imagined for a moment she could magically pull him in, but instead she yielded to reality and turned around climbing the steps back up individually and intention-ed. At the top of the stairs she sighed as she re-enter into the dim silence of her space before closing the door behind her. Yielding to the thoughts and a new growing agony which came with the knowledge that she had destroyed their friendship and she was alone.
John meanwhile, outside, dropped the cigarette butt and stepped on it. Exhaled, and took a walk, saying, "Fuck this".
Exploratory writing in Character Development. Comments welcome.