Just a personal thing. Not looking for reviews, or tips. Just want to vent.
|For as long as I can remember, all I've wanted is friends.
When I was younger, I was so alone. I had one good friend, my first friend I ever made, and every day I am thankful for her existence (even though I don't like to admit it).
The thing is, I have friends now. I have so many great people who make my day better and surround me with their own dreams. And when I'm with them, I'm happy. But once they're all gone, once I'm home again on my computer or reading a book, I get this gnawing feeling inside my chest. Like I'm missing something. I feel so… Empty. Dead. Alone. As in, without those people, I'm nothing. I'm feeling it right now, and it grows and grows until I either a) burst into tears or b) I go to sleep. It's absolutely pathetic. Crying helps a little, but doesn't stop the feeling. Which is why I sleep -- It's the perfect release. In a dream, you're in a whole new world, a world you can mold to however you like. I can have friends, good grades, everything I've ever wanted. Then I wake up, and it hits me -- The loneliness. And here comes the worst part, my problem:
I feel this dread creep up on me and it grasps my whole body until I no longer feel like I can breathe. It squeezes my throat, numbs my legs, and stops my heart. It's like all my emotions have reached their peak, and then… Nothing. All of a sudden, there's a relief, and once again I feel empty. In those brief seconds being in the void, I am at peace. Then I start thinking again -- In one hour, I'll have to go to school. In half in hour, I'll have to do my hair, make my face. In one minute, my mom will come knocking on my door and yell at me to wake up. The stress is overwhelming, and has caused me more than once to stay home "sick" because I felt like I just couldn't handle it - life - anymore. Then, as the day after staying home, it's a whole new problem, because now my teachers are going to ask for a reason as to why I wasn't at school the other day. And what's my excuse?
"Sorry Mrs. __________. I just couldn't take it anymore."
I am a broken person. Everyone feels stress, but to feel it like this is to it's extreme. No one deserves to feel like this. Like they can never be truly happy, like they have to rely on others for their joy. I watch all my friends grow more independent, and I am truly happy for them. But I can't feel happy for myself.
I have so many great friends now, and if younger me were to see me today, I like to think she'd be happy. Yet she doesn't know just how lucky she is to be alone. Maybe, if I stayed the same and never attempted to socialize, maybe I'd actually be better off from it. Sure, I'd be lonely. But I could be independent. I could learn to love myself, not other people's love. I could finally become my own person, with my own rules, and my own life. I wouldn't have to face the fear I feel every day going to school, or the fear I feel when I walk down the hallways. If I were invisible, I could do whatever I wanted -- and no one would care about me. I would vanish, never to remembered, and I would die happy with myself.
But if I didn't have my friends, there's a chance I could be a whole different person altogether. So maybe, it's better to live with the fear. I'm not scared of them, I'm scared of who they think I am. I'm afraid that no one really wants to talk to me, but they do so out of pity of my own loneliness. But to have thoughts like these aren't healthy. If I always thought like this, I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have lived past 6th grade. These people who I've chosen to surround myself with are all fantastic in their own way, and if I were given the choice to swap them with another group of people, without any doubt I'd say "no". I love them all. Even if I can't ever be happy with myself, they can be happy with me, and that's what really matters isn't it? I love bringing smiles to their faces, making them laugh. It's the only thing that will brighten my day, even if only for a second. This is why I do the things I do.
This is why, at least once a week, I bring my friends favourite sweets and give it to them, and want nothing in return.
This is why, if I were given the choice to kill any of my friends, I would much prefer to kill myself.
This is why, on their birthdays, I always spend at least $50 on their gifts.
This is why, if they need help, I try my best to aid them.
This is why, if they're ever sad, I'll be there for them.
This is why, if a day ever comes where they feel the same way I do, I'll bring them into my arms and cry with them.
My friends are always trying to find ways to thank me by giving me gifts, but what they don't know is that the real gift is their friendship. They've chosen me to be with them, and in my opinion, that's the greatest gift you can get.
So be happy, younger me. You got your wish. I hope that, in my future, I can look back upon what I have written here and laugh at it. Dismiss it as teenage angst, which it may very well be. Please, I hope no one ever feels the way I do right now, not even myself. If you do, try doing something you like doing. And most importantly, hold onto your friends. They're the greatest gift you've got.