This essay discusses the incompetence of the panda and its worthiness of existence.
|Asserting that the panda hasn’t adapted efficiently, wildlife experts reported that the endangered mammal continues to decrease in numbers, which now rests at a depressing 1,864, due to the animal’s undeveloped instincts regarding diet and parenting. Since the panda lacks the intelligence to survive on its own, humans have a responsibility to prevent its extinction.
Researchers reported that the entire species must have been “dropped on the heads as babies”, or as Ailuro Poda, a panda expert, stated, “thrown in the air, kung fu kicked, hitting their heads, while their fat, sphere-shaped bodies bounced off the ground.” Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case. Instead, the species decided rolling on their cubs and crushing them to death was a better idea. No, the species isn’t violent or cruel, just embarrassingly stupid. The panda mother is sometimes incompetent enough to not realize she is pregnant or that she has given birth. Thus, in her lazy, worthless nature, she rolls over on her newborns while sleeping.
Or, if this is a too subtle way of verifying her species’ extinction, the panda may not recognize her cubs and murder the babies, since her newborns’ wailing must be too obnoxious to handle. In the case that the panda has an ounce of competence in that head full of air, the panda will recognize it’s young.
Although the animal evolved to birth 2 cubs, it remained too dumb to realize it also had to nurture both those cubs. Determining it was too late to evolve, the species decided to further hinder their potential to exist by allowing the weaker cub to starve to death. Apparently, allowing half of their species - their own children - to die is one way to deal with their issue of endangerment. I guess you have to relinquish a bit of credit to this scenario; the panda actually passed step one of the solution: recognizing her baby.
Just as the species evolved partially in parenting, they only musterd the energy to partially evolve their diet as well. The panda developed as a carnivore and thus maintains sharp teeth and an effective digestive system to eat meat. However, evolution did not adapt its mental cognition. Instead of making one intelligent decision in the species’ lifespan, the worthless excuse of a carnivore decided to go vegetarian. In their peanut brain, any way to lose sources of nutrition is the best way.
While evaluating how an animal can be lazy enough to sit on its ass all day, Ailuro Poda concluded, “The idiot creatures decided to eat nothing but bamboo: the least nutritious food they could find.” Lacking nutrients due to the panda’s inability to recognize that variety in diet is essential, the sitting victim of natural selection is even too lazy to mate, as it barely gathers enough energy for the activity once a year. Therefore, there is barely an opportunity to roll over on a cub or two.
“Pandas are possibly the most moronic creatures I’ve studied in my lifetime. However, that is why they need our help more than any other animal,” Ailuro Poda stated. The panda’s primary habitat, China’s Yangtze Basin region, remains destructed and fragmented due to human expansion, thus limiting their mating and food sources. Since we took responsibility for diminishing their capabilities even further, as we know they didn’t have many in the first place, we should also take responsibility to help them survive. The species is dying out, and although they are witless, they are worthy of life. Everyone can’t sit back and watch these helpless creatures become extinct, even if the panda sits back and does exactly that.
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"Species That Had 25 Million Years To Evolve Pathetically Snuffed Out In 8 Years." the Onion. Onion, Inc, 15 Sept. 2015. Web. 6 Oct. 2015.
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