newspaper investigative article regarding Santa's demise...
|23 December 2015
Santa Found Dead at North Pole
BY ALPHA B. ZED
NORTH POLE (AP) Sources at the North Pole Police Department (NPPD) confirmed today that the rumored death of Santa Claus is true. The jolly old elf and CEO of Santa’s Workshop, Inc. was found dead yesterday, sitting at a workbench in the toy production facility, by Mr. Jesse Timberline, the facility foreman.
Mr. Timberline stated that he found Mr. Claus slumped over the workbench when he arrived to open the plant at 8:00 AM. Mr. Timberline also stated that this was not the first time Mr. Claus had been found slumped over a workbench. Mr. Timberline is reported to have said, “This was, however, the first time I have ever found him dead.”
Apparently, other elves have found the CEO passed out with a pitcher of spiked egg nog. One elf was overheard to say, “This is the first time he [Santa Claus] had a strand of Christmas tree lights wrapped around his neck.”
An NPPD spokesman refused to comment on the cause of death pending notification of the next of kin, Rebecca Claus. “We are still trying to locate Mrs. Claus to notify her of her husband’s untimely death. We understand that she is on vacation somewhere in Florida,” the spokesman stated at a press conference yesterday. The spokesman added, “We hope you will hold off publishing this news until we can reach her.”
Today, this reporter had an exclusive telephone interview with a member of the Santa Marella Police Department (SMPD) who stated that a Mrs. Rebecca Claus was picked up as a person of interest in the unfortunate demise of Mr. Claus at the North Pole. The police reportedly found her at the Almosta Beachview Motel in Santa Marella.
Mr. Elffie Dumshitz, a toy making elf at Santa’s Workshop, Inc. was also picked up at the Elfin Delicatessen at 125 Seaview Boulevard, Santa Marella. According to motel records, Mr. Dumshitz and Rebecca Claus were registered as Mr. and Mrs. Smith of the Northwest Territory, Canada.
The police became suspicious of Mr. Dumshitz when he spoke to the police officer in a Hispanic accent. “I knew he wasn’t Canadian when he said ‘Ay, caramba’ when I identified myself as a police officer,” Officer Kennedy stated. He went on to say, “I believe that’s either Spanish or Portuguese. Either way, it’s not Canadian.”
When asked if Mrs. Claus or Mr. Dumshitz could be interviewed, the police spokesman said that any requests for interviews would have to be authorized by the NPPD. The Santa Marella police refused to speculate what Mrs. Claus and Mr. Dumshitz were doing at the motel.
According to the pizza delivery man, who declined to give his name, the couple had ordered two large pepperoni and anchovy pizzas and a twelve-pack of beer earlier in the evening. From what he could see of the room from the door, women’s and tiny elves’ clothing littered the floor around the bed. Mr. Smith came to the door wearing a tiny red and green robe. He went on to say that, both Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s hair was “a mess.”
Mr. Santa Claus has gone by several aliases during his lifetime. Born Stanislaus Klaus, he lived in Bavaria and Austria for most of his youth. He was raised by an extremely strict parent who refused to buy him anything except the necessities of life. There were no toys for him to play with during his formative years, which might explain his obsessiveness with giving away toys to children. Pediatric psychiatrist Dr. Helmut Lancaster observed, “It is during those formative years that the immature psyche develops all the rationalization of the adult mind. In a time of extreme severities, the eternal child either prospers or withers within this immature state, garnering many psychoses, phobias, and inability to move past this delicate state. It is my expert opinion that this Mr. Santa Claus has a suppressed Oedipus complex and has extreme anger issues in regards to his father, who may have been a cross-dresser.”
After this bleak youth, Stanislaus Klaus was sent to the St. Sephanius Monastery for his formal training. While there he learned the skills necessary to build toys to play with. Stanislaus took the overcooked rolls they served there and built carts and blocks from them. From time to time, he would steal a single sock from the drawers of the other monks and acolytes. From these, he would make puppets and dolls. This also gave rise to the belief that there existed sock stealing gremlins, a belief that still persists to this day.
After he left the monastery on a cold December day, he changed his name to Father Christmas, impersonating a priest. He would go from town to town convincing the populace that they should donate toys to him. Amazingly enough, no one questioned this strange behavior. He instituted the first Toys for Tots campaign anywhere in the world. Father Christmas had everyone convinced that he was redistributing the toys to needy children in the next town, but in fact, he kept the toys so that he could disassemble them later at his leisure. His good works earned him his next alias—Saint Nicholas.
Eventually, St. Nick’s thefts were discovered and he moved further and further north until he arrived at the North Pole where he honed his toy building skills. He discovered strange native beings at the North Pole he called elves and relegated them to a lifetime of slave-like servitude. These creatures native language was not of Germanic origin and they were unable to pronounce Saint Nicholas. What they called him was Santa Claus. Even though the two names sounded the same, ‘santa claus’ actually means ‘lard ass’ in Elvish. Regardless, the name stuck.
It has been reported by sources high in the corporation that there had been strained relations between Mrs. Claus and the deceased for many years. They began when Mr. Claus came home from the after-delivery party with hot chocolate in his mustache, sugar cookie crumbs in his beard, and elven lipstick on his collar. It was at about this same time that Mr. and Mrs. Claus began sleeping in separate rooms. About a year later, Mr. Claus began his heavy drinking of spiked egg nog.
We will bring you any new developments in the case, as the details become available.
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