When life turns on you in an instant, bringing you to a dark place
What happens beyond the realms of reasoning, where do the lines of reality blur, How close are the boundaries between light and dark, between dusk and dawn.
What takes us beyond the thresh hold, the point of sunlight and shadows, Are we lying in wait as our limitations are questioned? How many souls have been taken unwillingly to the depths .
Fall into a place, this chaos which so quickly crept into me, slipping away bringing me back to thoughts of sanity.
But tainted thoughts stain what innocence is left, making me vulnarble and weak.
Corruption is tempting you to just give into its wicked ways, influenced by bad habits unable to be dealt with, your surccumed to the sins.
Such problems now swallow you entirely. There is no cure to this disease, I'm fighting and pondering a hopeless battle, I see no victory for me in the end.
I will never win, I fear and know this now.
After the silence entered me,got inside rmy head ,the lack of sound drowned out all the outside noise . Oh so quiet my world became,except for a suttle humming,buzzing which echoed in my ears, I could only make it cease with the voices in my mind,my thoughts which I could now hear, and I heard them loud and clear. I heard fear, panic,uncertainty, so many questions I had no answers for. I told myself its just this happens,maybe its just age,it won't last, this silence won't last,right. Yet another voice told me that something has gone terribly wrong here,and that this is only the begging of my end. Along came the silence with it then came isolation, one by one everyone I loved let me and has not yet came back. Not even strangers met my path, instead I came across loneliness who now won't leave my side, all alone left to deal with me by myself.
It didn't take much time until the whispers began at first they only came with dusk,the end of day,when the sun sets taking the light from the world. The sky dims ,lower and lower until all is covered with a blanket of darkness. Shadows creep in slowly cascading across my walls, they remind me that something wicked this way comes,the essence of dread is in the air. An unsettling aura keeps me from sleep, as night falls my eyes grow heavy and my mind is so tattered. Yet slumber eludes me for the fear is much stronger. I lye awake yet another night. Up until yesterday only an unwelcoming silence suffocated me made my emptiness almost unbearable. Then,well then it was broken, in the 2am hour, a whisper entered my dreamless conscience mind,from no distinct place and yet from every direction both at once
With such length of time now with deaf ears, I instantly noticed the change of frequencies, though it spoke in a low,low pitch normally it would go unheard or simply mistaken as a gust of wind. But lying there uneasy amounst the darkness of solitude,lacking of sleep and being not of sound mind by this point, I had begun to speak my thoughts aloud, answering my own questions, listening to my own voice somehow gave me comfort when nothing else could. Whispers,quiet whispers echo into the night, for my ears only. I can't clearly understand what they tell me, but the tones of each word gave
off a unsettling undertones that sent chills through me, if only I could understand, but my translation of these whispers are inaudible, pinned down by a fear that I'm sinking in slowly,like quicksand,its slowing pulling me under. A catatonic scream paralyzes every part of me, and I can't stop this, this downward spiral into madness. A descent into insanity, I feel myself growing weaker as my mind struggles against chaos and the discontent , my dreams are dying before my eyes that will not close so I might rest, no no lately the days have brought me only misery,and a question of my faith, it will not give me a moment of ease cause every night has been just the same
Why is this happening to me, why won't this just stop, and let me be, this hope fades the longer I live this way, won't somebody come save me, I'm wasting away and I have no control , my will is broken now. How did I not see this coming, something wicked this way comes, it comes for my soul, every peice of me turns black, and it hurts until I'm numb, A sudden suffer rips over me just before dawn, I understood the whisperes after all ,go adead just give in, suffocation is near, taken into a sea of self despair, this life you live and breath isn't yours any longer, step by step you will stumble, until you fall, until your empty and hollow. Where can I go, where will I run, when there's nowhere to hide, nowhere at all. I thought i saw a glimpse of the mourning sun before I fainted from the weight of realizing that I am far from the better days ,tomorrow will lead me further, is this real, or I'm I only dreaming, is this reality or have I imagined all of this, I just don't know these days, time laughs in my face, and I sit silent and still. Watching myself fall,and fall and fall
Down in the dark, an endless night, keeps away the sunshine, cause lately I've been stuck in the shade, wishing for brighter days that are so faintly seen in the distance, I fear none of my wishes will be granted, now many of will be destroyed. I can not change this spiral into extinction, helplessly I watch myself stumbling, crumbling, and slowly coming apart.
As I live and breath, I see my life wasting away.
Choking on what is yet to come, everyday brings me another dose of misery and a lothing ache that spreads thru me , suffocation is draining me from the inside out, What is pain, I can't scream loud enough to express what has taken ahold of me these days
All this crept in on me like a cloud, why me I keep asking myself, won't this just go away, won't this just let me be, did I deserve this, well did i , nobody should ever know these wicked ways and all the inflict upon your soul.
Y So with my mind a mess so much so that my consintration strains each thought, I can barely function anymore, and sleep depervation blurs my vision,ive been seeing traces and objects that aren't really there. Plus add the pain, loneliness, and total breakdown of my will, the stress is more then I can handle, I bear a heavy burden, and the weight is crushing me, but what can I do, nothing, I can't run far enough,or hide where I can't be found, please save my soul I whisper aloud, to late the damage is done, this is how I will die, surcombed to a bittersweet end, one day at a time. Now adrift into the void that swallows me up ,and a darkness dissolved another
Within a few days I have managed to lose everything, All I am, all I gave and all I made of this life, Step by step I watched it taken from my grasp, I saw what I worked so hard for be stolen, so easily from me. Peice by price my very exsistance was shattering , All this has torn my world whole apart, it is being taken out from right underneath my feet.
Ya I've been experiencing some real trials and tribulations ,they say life isn't easy but they don't go into depths of how fucked up it can be, or how far down you can fall without any warnings or signs that you didn't realize until it was to late and the damage has been done. Oh no I've heard some really messed up stories about some of the shit some people have lived thru. But in my personal opinion my life started 2 days ago and it this life of mine since then has been slowly deterating,
ya I'm a sad sort who isn't alive in a sense but instead a slipping mindless lost soul, that has nothing to look forward to because tomorrow isn't going to be any better and it never will.
When the sun rises up from the darkness bringing you Into another morning your wishing harder and harder wouldn't come. That just one night would be your last and you wouldn't take another breath of the morning air. Why oh why can't you just fade out with the darkness, why oh why can't these misfourtonate events of lately end, I just want everything to just end. And if you Were in my shoes I know for certain you would feel the same way as I do now.
Y … Well I can not express these emotions that have, but they are intensely surging inside me. And I only wish I could share my pain, if only there was someone besides myself to share what I'm going through. It would make it a little easier, well probably not but at least someone else would understand,to feel what I do right now.
So it may seem like I'm droning on and on, Im probably not telling my story so anyone can make sense of it.
So sorry if I haven't made sense or if I've told this scattered all about. My thoughts aren't as sharp or clear as they were before this nightmare started, a few short no make that long,long days ago.
YThis verse keeps repeating in the back of my mind, kinda like a
song you hear somewhere but your not sure where, and can't get outta your head ,you find yourself humming it subconsciously ,and this is whats stuck in mine.
Here I am, Here in this place, Here in this state,Here I am a nowhere Wonderer.
This is me, This is all of me, This is what I've become, This is who you see now, LA LA LA LA
I hum this melancholy tune as sappy as it may be,all day long from morning to evening, 24 hours,no 48 hrs. , no 64 hrs. now. I guess I've lost count but it seems that there's been a broken record placed someplace inside my head.
YSo this brings me back to the present hour. And once again, yet one more day which hasnt let up on any of torment continuing to be inflicted upon my mind, body and soul. I struggled through the sunlight until the moonlight shone down upon me.
Naturally I find myself lying silent and still, insomnia plagues my weairy self , drained of any motivation. I really couldn't move or accomplish a single thing, I felt frozen inside myself, trapped in a almost vegetable state.
Dropped in the velvet shroud of darkness, night has placed a veil over the land, and it has me in its embrass but instead of a calming drowsiness as all others are effected, I instead have an allergic reaction. For sleep will not come to my tired restless soul, not when fear enters the mind and stirs up the worst of thoughts, how can I relax with such horrible not stations.
T Here I am starring into the air as the clock marks 3 in the am hour. I almost thought I might or that I could catch a few zzzzz's, a quick cat nap to recooperate,to regenerate my mind,oh yes my mind in such a desperate need of rest. As well as my body, my sore,aching bones, im throbing all the way to my very core. So when I felt at ease for how ever brief a moment it may last I willed sleep to come, sandman bring me to the land of nod, please oh please.
But of course as I shouldn't of expected much less, I blinked and my moment was gone, once more I wouldn't dream,wouldn't sleep, wouldn't find slumber or any escape from my new found reality,
In a land far far away, fantasy and make beleive are put on pause cause my presence has been marked absent
They started in a low low tone, the whispers.
Whisper,whisper,whisper, ascending louder with each tick tock of the clocks hands, clockwise,round and round the clocks face marking time, reminding me my life grows shorter with each tick and each tock.
Ya t-i-m-e isn't on my side, oh no its not, but it makes me feel lm gonna die, and I'll keep running back, yes I'll keep running back. Ya I can't stop even if I tried. N-o-o-o time isn't on my side, and that's a brutal fact.
Hhiisss, hiss, blahblahblah,yaddayaddayadda, mumbles of the incoherent voices, the voices I guess if that's what you want to call them, these whispers calling out to me, relentlessly tearing me down , thru all the twilight hours
of the night.
With the morning dawn, the whispers grow quite once more, disapating with the dark skies.
Im conflicted by the sight of the sun rising, not sure if I welcome the light of day or curse another day I find myself in it.
For one daybreak ends the whispers which I'm sssooo thankful for, but yet its another day I have to deal with the misery and pain that seems to intensify with every day that comes and gos and comes back for another round.
I got a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror today and I almost didn't recognize the stranger staring back at me me face had changed, my cheeks where sunken in, I didn't notice how much weight I had lost, but I guess I hadn't eaten a thing for days I just had no appetite the thought of food made me nausious, so I went without.
And my eyes they looked so vacant my pupils where so dialated like eyes gone black, to match the deep darkened circles under them.
Just a glance and you could tell ive been neglecting my health, I looked pretty banged up, a real mess. I didn't dare look to long cause my appearance made me sick to my stomach, in only 3 days going on 4 I seemed to have aged 10 years, and the deeping lines on my face showed it.
Oh what a sorry sight I am, and I'm glad no one will see me this way, even if someone did I had a feeling they wouldn't even care. I let out a depressing sigh I am damaged goods now, this black cloud that hangs over me has made sure to push and shove everything I had, all that I loved. Took my life right out of my hands and crushed it, so that piece by price my life wasn't my own anymore, I had nothing to link me to the life I once knew. Why me, I don't think I'll ever know. But what a tangled web they've wooven for me, and on that note I let out another mournful sigh.
YSo I push and shove well corruption bends my will, no matter what I do I can not make it still. Instead Im inflicted with a disease that there is known cure for, my diagnosis is a fatal one with a slim chance to nil that I'm gonna go into remission and win,having a full recovery, , I can feel it in my bones and I just know I will lose this battle,no matter how tough or how hard I fight against this,this bad bad thing, this destroyer of souls, this devourer of free will, this monster in my nightmares that has crawled out from my dreams to haunt me well I'm awake. I think I'm going crazy, but Im watching myself go insane and I have no control, how maddning this situation has reached, reaching out without reasoning.
So here I am still as another day finds the dawn and once more I watch the sun rise, but I can't see the beauty in this anymore.
Now I believe this makes day four without sleep, without rest, without happiness, without any emotion or feeling, except the constant dread and emptiness that has drained me dry.
I can tell this wickedness has grown a little stronger, its borrowing its way into my soul.
Alls I can do is helplessly sit back and and wait, to just let this happen to me, and realizing this only makes me weaker. Im becoming such a fragile being, I'm almost afraid to move from this spot, cause my brittle body will most likely shatter to peices.
Tick tock, tick tock the clock laughs in my face, it screams at me telling me that time has no meaning in my life from this moment on, and as the hands round the clocks face hour after hour, tick tock tick tock, your running out of time , your life is coming to an end sooner then later.
Amoungst the buzzing silence of the daytime, I hear the clock somewhere in the background, its becoming a nuisance, annoying me just enough to where I can't possibly try to ignore it.
I sit here silent and still, motionless , paralyzed from fear, stuck inside myself, trapped inside my mind. Which lately isn't any place I wish to be, A glance down inside myself shows me nothing nice, no nothing good at all.
I I can see the sun has reached its highest point in the sky, marking the noon hour. Once the clock read 12: 01 a sudden wave of pain struck me, it seeped through my skin burning so intensely until it entered my veins boiling my blood, replacing it with poison, that I feel spread up to my mind all the down to my toes. Such an immense pain that if I had an way to end my own life right now I would in a heartbeat, without hesitation, without a second thought. But alls I could do was screech and wail from the agony that seemed to go on and on and on, an eternity it felt like to me. I heard the clock announce the next min. which was 12:03, just as sudden as the pain came it ended.
As I had kept in during the sudden bursts of excrusiating pain thru the last few days, along with the stress of the unknown future and whats in store for me. I'm surprised I haven't given myself a stroke or a heart attack .Or slipped into a vegetable state, left lying paralyzed staring info space, trapped inside my mind.
Here I go again, going on and on with my incoherent babbling , talking to myself or as I like to think of it as I'm just talking out the problems,my problems. So that I can let it all out, instead of bottling up all of this maddness that splits my thoughts apart, deleting peices of my memory. So nonsense is the only words that now spill from my mouth, on and on and on, no rest for the wicked they say. And corruption is turning my sanity to bill. So if I seem like I've gone crazy, sitting alone,huddled in the shadows, mumbling to no one but myself. Well ya I'd have to agree, I don't know how much longer my mind can last until it cracks permently . But whatever has been tormenting me the last few days, is milking my misery for all it can. Doomed,damn,damned I am.
So here I am, stuck in thi s place,stuck in this state.
This is me, this is all of me,this is what I've become.
I gave all I had to give, every ounce of will, i will give and give till my last breath.
Sinister forces take, and take and take. Feeding off my pain,fear and misery. A parasite has attached itself to my soul, sucking the life from me, until im empty inside.
Welcome to my nightmare, trapped in a coma, It feels like. Im often questioning if I'm awake or if I'm only dreaming, maybe I'm in limbo,torn between the good and the evil eternities.
I have an empty place inside me, where my heart used to be. Only now its filled with pain. My misery and my sorrow ate away my happiness, leaving me sad and lonely. I've fallen into the mud, into a puddle. Slowly sinking deeper and deeper, the more it pulled me down, the more I felt my heart breaking, and my soul slipping away from me, fading away from me
They say its darkest before dawn, but these days for me its dark all the time. In the mist of all this darkness it could just be to hard for me to see the dawn, or any light for that matter. As pain and devestation ripple through me, over me, compassion and empathy become an emotional event.
Through powerful images untangeled, feelings causing instant fear.
Life is short and death is longer, but life is filled with misfortunes, so nothing you could say can be cruel enough. I'm forgotten as if I'm already a dead man. I am like a broken vessel, fear is all around me filling me up inside.
Running through my veins, making my blood run cold.
These days have brought about a wave of chaotic irrationalazations and an madness of the mind. The symptoms are my flaws, which I choose to deny any imperfections upon myself. I can almost watch it spread thru me like a sickness. Infecting my thoughts, making no sense, ryhme or reason . Change has come, I am spinning out of control, losing my morals,values and any dignity of self worth.
So as time drags on, the day withered into dusk, I was almost oblivious to what the rest of the world, as I fingered, the rest of the world didn't care about me no more, so I didn't care about the rest of the world. I had burrowed myself inside my abode, since this all began,this affliction upon my life. I have not ventured beyond my doorstep, I couldn't even if I wanted to, cause it wouldn't let me go, it wouldn't let me leave.
I have gone to places so far beyond the darkness, step by step through the hollow and the emptiness that also has found a way inside you. Turning your heart black, devouring your soul, after walking down that path, the path of the nothing, or whatever it is. But to you its been named the nothing, and step by step your being drug further and further into it.
Deep In the shadows of my tired mind. Down in the shallows of my pain. I look into the misty depths and see I remain in chains.
I will be the sinner
The liar, The taker
I will be the evil
The demon, The devil
I will hide the skeletons in my closet,
The secrets I'll never tell
I will bear the burdens,
Of the lost and unforgiven.
I will give you the truth
Beneath the layers of lies
I will make promises
That I can't keep
I will be the monster
The feared, The wicked
I will make nightmares
Out of all your dreams
I will so you the world
The reality, The nonfiction
I will reveal the wicked
The tricks, the illusions
I will be the redemer
Shedding denial from the minds of those who choose to open up theirs, and listen.
I will mention what everyone is thinking, but to scared to except.