Brief essay I wrote while laying in bed one night, contemplating love and past experience
I still miss her. Crying myself to sleep tonight because I can't forget how incredible that one day was. Cuddling on the couch, kissing her hair and cheeks, even our brief kiss on the lips. She told me to never leave, and wanted to just fall asleep in my arms. I wish it could've happened, but no, work came first. I should never have put anything before her. She deserved everything I could've given her. I whispered "I love you", but she either ignored it, or didn't hear me. I didn't care. I had said it, and it was then that I realized how I felt about her, and that it would be a long time before I ever found someone as stunningly similar to me. She was the epitome of what I wanted. I could laugh at Sherlock with her, but when the moment called for it, just let her sink into my arms, and close our eyes. We would've stayed there for hours. Intertwined. Under blankets, just because that was our thing. I miss her. And it hurts to know that someone else is making her happier than I ever could, or did. I tried to be perfect. She told me I was perfect. Perfection doesn't exist in our world. Just people. She's one of the ones that might take months or even years to forget. It was 4 months of knowing her, and then 8 weeks of being blocked out of her life. Hardest 8 weeks of my life. Pretending to not care anymore. Not care that she treats me as an infidel. Not care that I never see her. Not care that I know I will never hug her again. But of course I care. Love doesn't stop loving, just because people tell you it should. It's frustrating, understanding that she honestly thinks she was the victim. I don't know what I did wrong, what I didn't do which could've made her stay. Maybe it was mission impossible. Wow. Maybe our first date was a sign. Holding hands during mission impossible, it was foreshadowing how difficult the following weeks would be. How difficult the following months could be. Thanks for letting me have a small chance , thanks for showing me what love is. Even if I was the worst thing that happened to you, know that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thought we could last forever. I was thinking about the summer, all the times we'd have. I never thought we wouldn't make it to even the winter. Winter was going to be our season. Blankets non-stop. Nope. Not so easy. I've been writing for way too long now. I need to sleep. Someday I'll read this and cry again. But for now, it's back to trying to sleep, with the thought of you holding me back.