Shen is a sad young Asian girl with a mysterious disease that makes her need diapers.
Hi, I’m Shen. Most people don’t really know me as that, though. To most people around me, I’m “That weird tiny Asian girl that always smells like shit”. You see, I have a permanent infection in my digestive tract. It’s like I’m always sick. Always. I’ve been told it could spread and maybe kill me one day, but that shows no signs of happening, thankfully. I throw up sometimes, but, unfortunately, my disease usually manifests itself as explosive, uncontrollable diarrhea. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I need diapers.
I don’t really eat a lot because I’m sick all the time, so my growth was stunted a bit. I’m 15 years old (just had my birthday a couple months ago), but I’m only a little more than four feet tall. Not only that, but even for my size I’m very skinny and light. This also means my… bosoms came in small. I’m tiny and skinny and gross. No boy would ever want me.
Despite being sick all the time, I still manage to go to school consistently, not that I do well. I catch shit for being a dumb Asian. Well, I can be smart sometimes, but being depressed and unmotivated hampers me. I’m trying to get better, I really am. God, I hate that “Asians are smart” stereotype. Mama and Dad used to yell at me for failing a class, or even getting a C- in something that should be easy. Now, if they see I’m failing something, they just look at me all disappointed. They’ve given up on me. They’ve put all their hope in my older sister, Lin.
Lin is pretty much everything I wish I could be. She’s pretty and tall, six feet to be exact; tallest person in our entire family, actually. She’s smart too. Straight A’s all through high school, and just made the Dean’s list a couple months ago after her first semester at college. She still lives with us since the university is only fifteen minutes away. She has a boyfriend and a close group she hangs out with, although I’ve only seen pictures of them. She won’t let anyone she cares about near me, since I’m a walking embarrassment. She can drive a car too, something my dad doesn’t trust me with. I think it might be because of my… You know. He won’t even let me take the written exam. The worst part is, Lin knows how much I wish I could be like her, and she’s still kind of a bitch to me. She’s not obvious about it, but she’s very condescending and acts like I’m an invalid retard or something.
“Little Shen, wakey-wakey!” Lin yelled in my ear.
Ah, crap, I was having a nice sleep up until then.
“You forgot to set your alarm again. Now go take a shower. You smell.” Lin said as she exited my room.
I sat up and stretched a little. I looked down at my diaper, the only article of clothing I was wearing. I typically wear nothing but a diaper to bed. I like the feeling of the material my sheets are made of on my skin, and I don’t really care about modesty. My family has seen me naked enough that it doesn’t matter.
“Yep, I shit the bed again.” I nonchalantly said to myself.
I reached over to my nightstand for my pills, not that they ever helped much. Yep, anti-emetic, anti-diarrheal, and antibiotics; they’re all there. Weakly, I got to my feet and grabbed some clothes. Then I made my way to my bathroom. I got to have the bedroom with its own bathroom, the only one in the house. It’s the one thing Lin is jealous about me over, although she would never admit it. She has to share the main one with Mama and Dad.
After showering and drying off, I got dressed. I’ll admit, I die a little inside every time I have to put myself into a new diaper. I tend to wear sweat pants or very long ankle length skirts since they conceal it better. That and neutral colored shirts, like teal or dark green. I try not to stand out. This time I wore both sweatpants and a skirt over it because it was cold outside. Lin makes fun of me over it. She says I dress like an old lady.
For breakfast, I got myself a toasted bagel and a ginger ale. If I ate anything else that early in the morning it would have had a good chance of being vomited up later. My lunches I packed were similarly bland, often a package of chicken flavored ramen or another bagel that I can heat up at the lunchroom at school. Lin walked up to me again as I nibbled on my bagel. We were the only ones awake at the time Mama and Dad’s work didn’t start for a few couple hours, and they, especially Dad, tended to be late risers and scramble out the door at the last second. It was actually kind of funny to watch them when they were like that, especially since Lin and I liked to take things slow and easy.
“Little Shen,” she said.
She always called me “Little” all the time, and it got on my nerves, like she was mocking me for being so short and skinny.
“It’s very cold outside today. I’m giving you a ride to school.” She continued.
I usually walked myself since my school was only two blocks away. I looked at her like she was crazy.
“Why?” I said.
Normally she couldn’t stand me. Why would she suddenly want to give me ride?
“I’m trying to be nice, stupid. You don’t look so good, and I thought you might need it. Besides, I didn’t word it as a choice. I didn’t say, ‘Hey, Shen, want a ride?’ I said, ‘I’m giving you a ride.’” Lin stated.
Wow, even when she was nice, she was still a kind of a bitch. I slowly finished my bagel and sipped a little more ginger ale.
“Okay, fine.” I said, getting to my feet.
“What do you say?” Lin said, like I was a damn child.
“Thank you, Lin.” I said.
I grabbed my book bag and put on my coat. Lin led me out to her car. She handed me a snow brush.
“Help me brush it off.” She said.
Oh. It all made sense now. She wanted to make me brush off her car for her.
“I’ll go in and heat it up. I’ll run the wipers too, when you chip the ice off.” She added.
“Fine.” I said.
I spent about ten minutes wiping down Lin’s car in the freezing cold while she sat inside all warm and snug. I think she got some kind of sick pleasure from seeing me uncomfortable all the time. When I was done, she at least said,
“Thanks, little Shen.”
Almost as soon as we got on the road, Lin got to the first stop sign, hit a patch of black ice, and swerved into a “Pedestrian Crossing” sign. The sign was bent, and her right side mirror was destroyed.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” She screamed.
I didn’t want to be around for this. My symptoms get worse when I’m stressed out. I opened my door and slipped outside.
“Sorry about your car, Lin.” I meekly said.
She was already looking at the giant scratch in the paint on her fender and letting loose a stream of profanity that would make a truck driver blush. I don’t think she heard me. I turned around and walked the rest of my way to school.
I put my coat in my locker and went to my usual seat in home room in the back of the class near the door. I always sat in the back; the less people around me the better. The day went relatively smoothly up until third period when I felt a pain in my stomach. I bent down at my desk and clutched my body as Mr. Lawson, the history teacher droned on about The Great Depression. I knew what was coming, and knew that even if I got up and ran t the bathroom I could never make it. I could never stop it. It was times like this I hated myself, hated my cursed body, so very, very much.
I was able to keep it silent, thankfully. I had humiliated myself with the loud gas that often accompanied my diarrhea in the past enough times to train myself to make it silent… usually. Eliminating the sound was not really enough, though. It still smelled painfully obvious that I had shit myself. Just seconds afterwards, I could already see my classmates’ disgusted faces. Before anyone could say anything, I got up in the middle of the lecture and walked out to the nurse’s office.
I knew the school nurse well enough at this point. I had to see her almost every day. I don’t think she really liked me since she rarely tried to make any small talk when I was around. I think I might have just grossed her out too much. I was the same thing to almost everyone, a diseased disgusting freak. When I got there, I saw that I was not the only student seeing the nurse. A boy was there too, with a large bloody wound on his head. He looked like he had slipped and hit something from all the ice outside.
“Hi, Miss Cary.” I said.
That was our nurse, Miss Cary. Yes, it sounds like “Miscarry”, like when a pregnant woman’s baby dies. Yes, there were jokes about it going around the school, although they all seemed forced and didn’t really sound that funny.
“Oh, hi Shen.” She said, sounding bored, almost tired.
I stood next to a table and began stripping off my pants, skirt, and diaper. I gave no fucks over whether the boy with the head wound saw anything or not. It was already common knowledge that I shit myself all the time, and when you’ve lived my life, your “girly private areas” aren’t really so private. He stared at my crotch like he had never seen a shaved pussy before. I kept it shaved so I didn’t have to deal with shit-caked pubic hair. Actually, that boy seemed kinda nerdy. Maybe he really had never seen a shaved pussy before?
I took some wet wipes, which Mama made sure the nurse always had stocked up, as well as extra diapers, and started cleaning myself up over a slop sink in the corner. Miss Cary walked over and pulled out a diaper.
“I can help you when you’re done with that.” She said.
“Thanks.” I said.
Normally I diapered myself, but I don’t really turn it down when someone else offers to do it for me. I climbed up on the table and pushed my shirt up over my chest, revealing my small, nearly flat bra. I wanted to make it easy on her and not let it get in the way. I wore long T-shirts so that it covered everything up better so no one would immediately see my diapered waistline… Not that I would really care that much if I did, I just knew that if it was out in the open all the time it would invite even more mockery than I already had to endure.
I sat down and let Nurse Cary lift my feet and my butt up into the air. She had strong, firm, young hands. She was pretty young for a school nurse, probably just got out of nursing school not that long ago. She slid the clean diaper under my butt and sprayed a little bit of soapy scent on it and my crotch. I preferred that over powder. Powder just felt and smelled so childish. If I were diapering myself, I would have rubbed a little bit of baby oil on too, but Nurse Cary never did that. I think it was a little too much contact with her, even though she always wore gloves. I’m glad she didn’t do that, actually. I’m really, really sexually repressed, I’ll freely admit, and anyone other than me or immediate family touching me there makes me nervous.
When she was all done, Miss Cary helped me tape myself up and I put my sweat pants and skirt back on. The boy with the head wound looked at me funny.
“What the fuck?” He said to himself.
I gave him a dirty look, as if to say, “You know damned well what you just saw”, as I walked back to class.
After that, school was pretty uneventful up until lunch. Lunch was rarely pleasant for me, seeing as I was a social pariah that most people either hated or avoided. I only had two friends, a couple of other losers so socially inept that I they were the only ones who would tolerate me, because otherwise they would be just as lonely and sad as I was. I sat and ate lunch with my two friends Sarah and Luke.
Sarah was one of those nerdy girls that dyed her hair weird colors and was obsessed with anime and video games and stuff like that. A lot of boys would think that’s a turn on, but she’s a social retard who didn’t know when to shut up. She also had no filter and tended to say offensive or annoying things to people. Generally, most people hated her. Luke was a pathetic fat guy who wanted to be a goth or stoner or something really badly, but we didn’t actually have those kind of cliques in our school. I’ve seen him make goo-goo eyes at Sarah before, but she’s friendzoned him pretty hard. That doesn’t really stop him, though. The poor guy is also pretty out of touch with what’s cool. He gets made fun of a lot, and doesn’t really have any other friends. Like Sarah, he also has a tendency to mouth off and get into trouble that way. We were the socially inept freaks, the great losers of our school, and we knew it.
“Howdy, Shen. How you been?” Luke said as I sat down at our table.
Sarah was still going through the lunch line. I sighed.
“Okay, I guess.” I lied.
I wasn’t okay. I was never okay. I sat down and opened my bag with my cold toasted bagel and ginger ale in it.
“Well, I’m doing fantastic! Hey, did you ever think, if vampires eat nothing but blood, do they still have to pee, or does it, like, go into their blood vessels somehow?” Luke said.
“Honestly, Luke, I’ve never thought about it.” I said.
“Really? That’s what everyone says. Well, that and ‘Shut up, Luke!’, and ‘go to hell, Luke’. Why’s our school have to have so many mean bitches and bastards?” He said.
I let out a light giggle.
“Yeah, now that’s one I have thought about. I think maybe we’re here for a reason, though.” I said.
“Really? A reason? Like God put us here so we can be hated?” Luke said.
“I never said anything like. I mean that there’s a lot of pent up aggression in those other kids.” I said, pointing to a table full of assholes.
That table, which was mostly members of the basketball team, had a habit of putting chocolate pudding on my chair and then telling everyone it was shit.
I reiterated, “There’s a lot of pent up aggression out there, and they take it out on us because they know we won’t fight back, and if we weren’t here, they’d have to take it out on each other, and they’d eat each other alive.” I said.
“Aw, so you think the world needs losers or else it’d be chaos?” Luke said.
“Hm, yeah, pretty much.” I said.
It was something I often fantasized about; quitting school and seeing the place burn without poor little Shen for them to push around. Somehow, I knew that wasn’t really how it worked, though. Deep down I ever dropped out, no one would care and life would go on as usual… but it felt so good to think of myself as a martyr. It let me feel a sense of nobility, a sense of purpose that was otherwise absent from my life.
Sarah sat down next to us with a plate full of starchy things that passed for food around here.
“Oof, Shen, did you remember to wipe yourself? You stink toady.” She said.
“I used that soapy scent, damn it.” I said.
“Yeah, I smell soap, but you smell like soap mixed with poopy.” She said.
“I don’t smell anything.” Luke said.
“I didn’t ask you, hoe-bag.” Sarah said, nonchalantly.
She had this weird habit of always calling Luke “Hoe-bag”. I don’t think she actually knew what that meant.
“Well, ummmmmm, thanks for telling me, I guess?” I said.
There wasn’t really much I could do about it. What was I supposed to do, get in a shouting match with her? Fuck that. I just took her insult and liked it. I reached into my bag for my pills. I had to take them with every meal.
I popped my anti-emetic first. Just afterwards, Sarah asked,
“So I always see you with those pills, but do any of them get you high?”
I shook my head.
“No, they’re…” She cut me off.
“Never, mind, if they don’t get you high, I’m not interested. It’s just, I would fucking kill to get high right now. This day has just been so boring.” She said.
Luke chimed in, “Well, I’ve got a couple joints in my bag. Sarah, you want to go outside and…”
She interrupted him, “Shut the fuck up, hoe-bag.”
Luke looked saddened by this.
“Man, no one ever listens to me.” He said.
Sarah started to go on and on about her stupid, banal, personal dramas. I can’t say I gave a damn about any of it. I just nodded my head and pretended to pay attention. She was so self-absorbed in her stupid little rant that she didn’t even know I had zoned out completely.
The rest of school went nowhere. It was just a long uneventful slog. As soon as the last bell rang I went straight home. I was never into any clubs or activities or anything like that. I would probably get kicked out of one anyway if I tried to join. Right outside my front door, though, just inches from home, I felt a terrible pain in my stomach again.
“Oh god, not again…” I said to myself.
I fumbled for my keys in my pocket, but I doubled over in pain. A loud fart escaped me, and my diaper was soiled. I’ll sadly admit that I peed a little too. I pee in my diapers sometimes because it’s a pain to undo them when I’m going for the toilet, and if it’s already soiled anyway, what’s the harm, right?
Even though I had just shit myself, I still felt some pain in my stomach. Weakly, I reached my keys up to the door and crawled inside. I could barely walk with all the pain in my stomach. Thankfully I was the only one home this early. Lin wouldn’t be back from the university for a while and Mama and Dad got back from work even later. I made my way to my bathroom as I pulled my coat and shoes off, and closed the door. I took off all my clothes as quick as I could, and sat naked on the toilet. Then, I cried. I was so pathetic. I just sat there, hunched over and let it all out in little spurts for at least twenty minutes. Sometimes I would fart, but nothing came out. When that happened, I cried a little more, even though it relieved a little bit of the pain inside my body.
I eventually pulled myself together and got to cleaning up. I put my filthy, stupid butt in the bathtub and ran warm water over it. It was a nice and fast way to clean it when I was at home. I got the details with some wet wipes, and got back on the toilet. I tried to get some of the shit out of my body, but nothing really came out, even though I felt like there was probably more in there. After a while I gave up and put on a diaper. I didn’t put on anything else because I wanted to take a nap. I was feeling extra sick right now and I was exhausted. I crawled over to my bed and made a little nest out of my sheets. Then, I curled up, put a blanket over a large laundry basket and lifted that over top of me. I know it’s silly and childish, like building a pillow fort, but it somehow made me feel good, like I was retreating into a comfortable little shell where my problems would leave me alone for a bit. I fell asleep and went into a strange fever-dream about being naked and covered in mud at a waterpark. Funny, I can’t stand waterparks.
Sometime later, I was awakened when Lin lifted the laundry basket from on top of me and slapped my tummy. She hit me a couple times. It was hard enough to leave a reddish mark where she hit me.
“Ow…” I weakly said.
“Wake up, little Shenny-Shen!” Lin said in a sickeningly sweet voice.
“I need you to help me make dinner. Mom and Daddy will be home in half an hour.” Lin said.
“Oh, Lin, I’m not felling too good today.” I said.
Lin raised one of her eyebrows.
“Yeah, well you never feel good. You’re sick every day. Come on, you’re not ten anymore. Help me out.” She said.
Reluctantly, I got out of bed and put on a shirt. I didn’t put on any pants. When it was just me and Lin around, I often went without pants. It meant I could change myself a little easier if I had to and I could get to the bathroom quicker if I thought I could make it. Well, that and the fact that pants just aren’t really all that comfortable when you wear a diaper all the time.
I went into the kitchen, where Lin was already browning some meat.
“We’re making chicken soup. Here’s a knife, now cut some veggies.” She said.
My family had been trying to make an effort for the last few years to make food I was less likely to puke up most nights. It was something I appreciated greatly. I picked up the knife and started cutting into some celery.
“And don’t go all emo on me and cut yourself. I know you’re a sad sack, but if you got hurt Mom would fucking kill me.” Lin said.
Where the hell would she get that idea? Whatever.
I chopped up the vegetables well enough. I heard Mama’s car roll up right as I handed the last onion over to Lin, who was getting the broth simmering.
“I should probably go get some pants on.” I said.
“Yeah, you probably should.” Lin said, condescendingly.
Even though Mama was used to seeing me in all states of undress, she didn’t really approve of me walking around half-dressed during the day. At night, fine, she didn’t care, but if it was still daytime she’d bug me about it.
When I got back, Mama was pushing Lin aside and reaching for the spice rack.
“You’re doing it wrong, Lin. Use any more cumin and it’ll taste like armpit. Do you want it to taste like armpit?” Mama said.
Even Lin, their perfect golden daughter, still had to take shit from them sometimes. I walked over to them.
“Welcome home, Mama.” I said.
“Oh, Shen, good to see you! How was your day?” Mama said.
She gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the forehead.
“Fine.” I lied.
My days were almost never fine. I just didn’t want to talk about it.
“Oh, that’s good. Hey, Shen, Lin told me you cut up the onions. Why did you quarter them instead of slice them? Quarters are hard to fit in a spoon.” Mama said.
“Ah… Um… Sorry?” I said.
“It’s fine.” She said.
If Mama said it was fine, that meant it was anything but fine… but we couldn’t do anything about it. It seemed like no matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough for her.
Not long afterwards, Dad got home. Dad tried his best to seem like a smart and stylish leader type in public, but we all knew he was simply a loudmouthed buffoon who faked his way to victory. We loved him anyway. He was our loudmouthed buffoon, after all.
“Hey, I’m home. Aren’t you guys going to welcome me?” He said.
Lin and I turned around.
“Oh, welcome home, Dad.” I said.
“Yeah, welcome home.” Lin added.
Dad walked over to Mama, who was still trying to fix Lin’s mistakes on the soup.
“Honey, ask me how was work. Come on.” Dad said.
She didn’t even look up from the soup.
She just blankly said, “Right, how was…”
Dad didn’t even let her finish.
“Well, you know Johnson, that major league asshole in the corner office? Listen to this, he got all disgruntled and brought a gun today! Rumor was that he was going to shoot up the receptionists over some petty bullshit involving the snack machine! Well, Robbie saw the gun in the bathroom stall, because Johnson had to go take a dump, and Robbie asked Johnson about it. Get this, he told Johnson to go home before the carnage started, and Johnson left the shitter and called the cops. It was crazy!” Dad said.
“Did anyone get hurt?” Mama asked.
“Just Johnson. The cops hit him in the face with a nightstick when he reached for his bag! They thought he was going for his gun.” Dad said.
“Well, I’m glad everyone made it out okay.” Mama said.
By now Lin had set the table and the soup was close to done. We all sat down for dinner. It was pretty peaceful, overall. Mama and Dad talked about the news a little, Lin told them about her studies and all the research papers she would have to work on this semester. I stayed quiet most of the time. Then, Mama turned to me.
“Oh, Shen, don’t forget, tomorrow’s my day off and you have that doctor’s appointment after school.” She said.
Ah, I had almost forgot about that. It was just a routine checkup to see if I’m getting better or worse.
“Thanks, Mama.” I said.
“Okay, don’t forget.” Mama said.
The rest of the evening actually went pretty well. We all watched some TV together, just stupid reruns of the same sitcoms and reality shows that were always on. We didn’t care. We laughed along anyway. I felt the urge to poop later in the night, close to bedtime. I was able to rush to the toilet and rip my diaper off just in time. I always feel a little victory inside when I make it. It was still painful, though, like I had a monster in my tummy and it was rumbling around and making liquid shit fall out.
When it was finally time to go to sleep, I sat down on the changing mat in my bathroom and stripped naked. I got out a type of extra thick diaper I wear at night. Mama doesn’t want me to ruin my sheets by springing a leak. We called them “Night diapers”. It was so thick I often had trouble walking because it pushed my legs apart. I had to waddle when I wore it.
As I sat down beneath the diaper, Mama knocked on my door a couple times and came in. She insisted on helping me put it on, since she wanted to be sure I put it on right. When I was younger, I used to protest, and insist I’m not a baby and can diaper myself. No matter what I did, that never really stopped her, so I rarely protested it now. There was no use in arguing with her, ever. Mama was a stubborn woman.
I laid down with my legs spread wide.
“Ready?” Mama said.
I nodded my head, feeling a slight bit of shame that I was still being diapered by my mother well into adolescence. That kind of shame never really goes away, no matter how much you get used to it. Mama took some baby oil and rubbed it on my butt and my crotch. I blushed a little. Even though it was my mom, it still felt a little naughty. It was so shameful. She sprayed a little bit of soapy scent on me and pulled up the front of my diaper. She made sure it was nice and snug on my legs so it wouldn’t leak and made sure the front went all the way up past my bellybutton. I’ll shamefully admit, all that touching on my inner thigh made me blush a bit too. Mama noticed and shook her head.
Finally, I waddled over to bed and got under the covers. Those sheets felt so good against my bare skin. Mama turned out my light and left my room. I silently drifted to sleep. My dream was unimportant, although I remembered it well enough. It was a dream I had often. I was covered in sludge, and no matter how much I washed it off, I would never be clean. These dreams were once terrible nightmares when I was younger. Now, I just sort of go along with it. I guess you get used to some things over time, and some things you can never handle.