Off-the-cuff intro about the thing that affects me most - not meant to be great!
|"Same old shit, different day... "
That's not the way I feel.
Life for me is amazing, yet so cruel.
The sun perforates through the windows, yet my blinds keep me within the privacy and safety of my room. And I love my room, full of all the creature comforts that I can practically afford, such as music, an en suite shower,
She's missing. Missing for almost four years, since we walked away at the airport. Oh no, don't get me wrong, I know where she is. At the other end of my emails. Yet she had moved on, as I couldn't. It was so different for me; before her, love was an alien which went off to conquer another territory after it rejected me, its inadequate host. I realised that wasn't love. For her, if it didn't work out one moved on and tried again.
Oh I absolutely agree with that philosophy, but some of us just really aren't wanted by many, are we?
I am so lucky these days. My childhood was so devoid of affection, as my family just tore lumps out of each other. I wasn't selfish until I became a teenager. My childhood dream was to leave my home and get married with kids :) , to a sweet loving girlfriend. And when I was let down for the first time, the lonely void just encouraged me to give up. Until my thirties.
As said before, I AM SO LUCKY! My stress disorder which made me a stranger to myself and her went almost two years ago. Yet my soulmate is missing. I thought she wanted me again last year, but she wanted only to be friends... and then a week or so ago she emailed me asking if my "days were painted with effort still". I joked it off, and tried to make light of things without talking about the past. And then she send me a picture of a street where she was, which is so far away from her new partner's street... some would urge me to ask her if she's single again, but any disappointment
I knew I would be with her before she was born. I still recall the day as a child that something higher told me so. That's part of the pain, being told about your soulmate, going through decades of strife and then ruining it because my brain just wanted me to be alone and safe. I'm so safe now, after training in self-defence. My diet of low wage casual jobs is so hard to follow, I get paid and come home to absence.
Why did she email me again? Longing for the invisible girl day and night, again. How. Many. Years. Of. This?
If she was with her boyfriend, then why email me?
She's told me that she doesn't know what love is, last year. Wow they must be really close.
Sometimes my body senses her close to me again. Either its my mind playing tricks to stop me getting too low, or she is thinking about me.
A friend of mine says she wouldn't email unless she wants something from me, another friend says surely she is single and misses me. If so, I want her so to tell me - being rejected again... I did try to move on but I'm not the tastiest morsel on the market and it all seems so tasteless to me too. Being alone is usually ok, being in company reminds me of who is missing. Its like whatever I do in social situations is irrelevant, its like any risk to myself taken is okay because there is nothing left for me to lose in life. I've done everything that I can do now, in may respects. Just words in a message.
Where are the children that I always wanted?
As I like to be creative, I'd thought that I'd write online. There has to be a good story out of this, but right now its too raw.
My life feels so in vain and tortured. This love won't die, and it certainly won't be replaced. I can't let go, love is so strange.
My kingdom to the person who tells me we will be together again. Unbelievably, I think we will. She knows where I am
The sun is shining through my blinds still, keeping me slightly warm and cheery.