An independent woman and a controlling man. Where will it end?
|All becomes a blur around me.
The room starts slowly to spin around and I'm lost for balance.
I don't say anything, so I don't get him worried.
I sat on the sofa, next to my daughter, try to figure out what she's watching on tv, but the gizmo is spinning as well.
I think I'm too tired, stress and more stress is not doing me any good.
I hear my child's laughter, far far away, although she's sitting next to me. Her father is pointing out how clueless I am, falling asleep sitting up. I decide I need to rest and make a giant effort to stand on my legs and go to bed.
My legs are week; I tumble across the living room and make it to the stairs. He noticed something was wrong and asks if I need help. I say I'm ok and just need to rest.
He follows me upstairs, concerned and keeps asking if I'm ok.
I make it to bed and pass out. I can't still feel him stroking my hair and saying to call him if I feel I unwell. It's all black and I'm gone.
My clothes are not fitting well. Must be eating too much. Am I getting chubby??
I need to do something about this! This thoughts are bubbling in my head, as I drive to work.
I don't think about it again during the day and soon it's time to get back home. When I sit at the wheel, I notice that my stomach hurts, it's kind of a familiar pain. I think again, there was only other time I felt like this and I come to the the realization I must be pregnant with my second child.
I stop at the supermarket and buy three pregnancy tests.Yes, three.
You never know, first may have a false result. I always do three. But I knew it in my soul, I was carrying my angel in me.
I get home and go to the bathroom in excitement. First test. Wait. Result... The other two say exactly the same. Positive. I'm having a baby! I knew it! My second child.
I am exuberant with happiness! I call my husband and let him know.
On the other side of the line there's a silence and then: Is it mine?
I'm too happy to let me annoy me. I am laughing and saying, Don't be silly!
He asks again if I'm sure.
We live together. Sort of. It's one more of those marriages. A few of months ago, he accepted a new job abroad and comes over the weekend. To be with the our child. We just share a house and a bed at night. There's not even a friendship. Nothing is left. There's sadness and awkwardness. We spoke about divorce and are planning to do it soon. We tried for the last 8 years and is not working. We agreed we could be civil, for our daughter's sake. I have a bad back. He complains about the same and none of us gives in to sleep on the sofa. So we also agreed, that we could just be civilized and share the bed, that is big enough for us to sleep and don't get on each other's space.
But one drunken afternoon, after lunch, we gave in our needs and found ourselves in bed, having sex. The one time. One time only. And I got my baby.
I wasn't taking the pill, was not having sex anyway, so I stopped a couple of years ago.
I wanted to have a second child. Specially after realising the divorce was eminent. My eldest, now 9, has a half-sister from her father's first marriage, but I though I would like to have two kids and my daughter would love to have a sister living with us.
I was ecstatic with the news. My husband showed no emotion at all. For him this baby doesn't exist.
Throughout the pregnancy, there was never a helping hand. I did everything in the house; worked full time and looked after my daughter. The times he was around, he was always absent and never done a thing.
I felt exhausted but empowered at the same time. I started to see, that I could actually manage everything on my own and didn't need him at all.
But he carried on coming around at the weekend and we continued going to events and family parties as a family. To the world we were just another happy couple.
I ,many times, confided with one of my friends. I could see her concern in her kind eyes. But she never dared to say it: Leave him. I started to say it was about to happen, although I was so pregnant. She said that, maybe the baby would bring us together. I didn't want to be brought together. I didn't love him anymore and I wanted to carry on with my life.
I was never afraid of being by myself.
I was always the main earner in the house. And to a certain point he didn't seem to have a problem with it. We soon started to have issues, short after marrying. He would accuse me of affairs, his confidence was drifting away; he became more and more controlling and obsessive. Even my cousins were game. For him, every man that I talked to, was a high prospect for an affair. That controlling behavior was getting too much for me to bear.
Heavily pregnant and with all the work I had on me, I just fantasised with some me time. At the weekend he'd close himself in his laptop and did nothing.
That Saturday, I was particularly tired and asked him to take the kid to the park, so I could have some quiet time.
He started to say no, but then he agreed to it; if you drive me there and pick me up, he said.
There was a park nearby, 5 minutes walk, but he wanted to take our daughter to another further away. It was still walking distance, but he insisted I drove them.
I left them at the park. My daughter was super happy. She hardly seen or spend any time with dad and was looking forward to it. As I left he gave me an angry look. As if I was making him do, the worst thing ever. And told me, we'll be here 2 hours tops. Come and get us by then.
I didn't reply. Didn't want to start yet another fight. I needed my alone time and that was all I could think of.
I got back home smiling and relived. Put the tv on. Sat on the sofa and got the laptop out. I went on the browsing history and could see a load of porn pages. I clicked on a couple of them. What has he been watching? I let the video run and went to get some water. Looked out in the garden and lost myself in my thoughts. I will it be amazing the day we divorce. I don't know how much more time I'll be able to take this. I could hear the porn still going on in the living room. The phone rung.
I closed the laptop and answered the call. Can you come and get us? She wants to go home. I could not believe it. But you've been there for less than an hour? I said. Come and get us now, and he finished the call abruptly.
I just got the keys and went out to get them. When I got to the park, my little girl had tears in her eyes. I could see she didn't want to come home so soon. I just put up with it. He would be gone the following morning. One more day and we'd be happy again.
When we got home he disappeared for a while, with the phone and the ipad. For me it was a bliss. As long as I didn't have to see him I was fine.
About an hour later he came around fuming. Who was in the house, while I was gone? he spat between his teeth. I looked at him, in a very calm way and turn away saying I'm not even going to answer. I'll pretend you didn't even ask me that. But he would not have it. He grabbed my arm and said I have proof you had a man in the house, while I was gone. What went on here, do you want to tell me, or should I put this recording on?
That's when I understood what happened. He had left a device recording the sounds in the house, while he was away with the kid at the park. He had been recording me. I felt so offended, my privacy so invaded! How dared him!
He put the recording on. On the background I could hear the porn videos I found in the laptop's history. I was very cross. I also didn't want to admit, I had a look at the browser history. That made me as stupid as him. Checking out what he'd been browsing. I opted to just say it should have been something on TV, I didn't know what that was. I was also focusing that the main issue: he left a device recording me! We didn't get to an agreement. It was the ugliest argument we had and it brought more anger to our already damaged relationship. I didn't know by then, but he was also grooming a desire of revenge.
The day after he wasn't speaking to me and remained like that until he left to the airport, on Monday. He was then a couple of weeks without coming back. Too much work, he said. I was enjoying my new found freedom, more and more. December came and my baby was due any day. My mum came to be with me. He came home as well. On the 13th I woke up around 4am. I was in pain. I wasn't sure if that was labor.I kept drifting in and out of sleep. At 8am I knew I was in labor. The waters broke. My husband drove my kid to school. When he came back I told him and my mum the baby is coming today, lets go. You're not driving are you darling?, asked my mother. Why not? I am driving, I still can, don't worry. I would not have that idiot driving me, on one of the most important days of my life.
On my way to the hospital, the pain starts to get strong. I almost have to stop. I try to put on a brave face. My mum sees I'm struggling. It's nothing mum, I'm absolutely fine.
I managed to get to the hospital. It was around ten in the morning. I walked in and was told I needed to go to the examination room. A nurse asked me to lay down and had a look. The labor started, but it's very early. I would say for you to go home and come back in the afternoon. I looked at her in doubt I am having regular contractions. I don't think going home would be wise... The nurse looked away and said, if you want to go for a walk, around the hospital, is fine. But it's still going to take a while. As I walk out of the nurse's room, I feel an intense pain and the next step is almost impossible. I turn my head and say, excuse me, I can't even walk; I need to be admitted to the labor ward. With the same complacent smirk, pointed to the lifts, said 2nd floor and take a can of lucozade with you. I dragged my feet, in a lot of pain, and made my way to the lift.
As I came out of the lift, I saw the labor ward reception. There was a tiny waiting room. The receptionist didn't even look at me and asked me to sit and wait, even before I could say anything. I said, I can't sit I need a bed. There are no beds available now, we are very busy today!. I replied and this time, not in a very friendly manner, If you don't get me a bed, I'm going to lay down here on the floor, because I can't stand and I surely can't sit! She lifted her eyes from the computer screen and looked at me alarmed. Got up and in seconds came back saying they had a bed for me. I had to walk to the delivery room, in a lot of pain, but I got there. I had my mum and my daughter's dad with me. As soon as I laid down, I felt a relief but then the labor really started. It was like I was dying and there was not end to that hell. I started to say I wanted an epidural and quick. I had suffered a lot with my eldest and was not ready to have all of that pain again. Almost an hour passed, after I got into the delivery room. The anesthetist came in, got close to my bed and introduced himself: Hi, I'm the anesthetist... Seeing him finally there, brought me hope but at the precise same time I feel a huge pressure and let go a scream she's coming out! She's coming out!!