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Rated: 18+ · Chapter · Romance/Love · #2078670
Girl with anxiety and depression deals with life changes and falling in love.
Chapter 3:  Stella, ~1~ Extra Extra

“I can’t believe I’m here, look at all these peo-ple, I don’t know what I was thinking agreeing to this Pink, we’ll never get picked. ~2~” 

“Good Lord, will you shut up already, we’re the hottest ones here, there is no way they’ll pass us up for a nightclub scene.  We are A number one, hot chics, you are an American classic beauty. I’m surprised you haven’t been tagged already by some modeling agency or talent scout and me, well, I’m easy on the eyes, if I do say so myself. ~3~” 

She’s a gorgeous beotch with a smokin’ bod, and these abs that you could wash clothes on.  Her eyes are like a deep blue ocean that hyp-notize you.  She’s medium height and muscu-lar, but in a feminine way. I love her hair, she keeps it short and white blonde. I never real-ized how much you can do with short hair, she styles it differently all the time.  Obv I have a serious girl crush on her. ~4~

She always tries to get me to believe I am all that, but while I’m not unpleasant, I’m short.  I don’t mind being short, in fact, I like it, but men tend to go for taller women. I think they like the thought of those long legs wrapping around them, I guess I can’t blame ‘em, I pre-fer tall blokes too. ~5~

Self-confidence isn’t my strong suit.  I’ve got stinkin’ thinkin’ nailed down to a tee and tear myself apart all the time.  It just doesn’t seem like people have any interest in me, like I wouldn’t be missed if I fell off the planet.  My biggest fear, being judged, second biggest, ending up alone. ~6~ 

That fear of being alone is why I have stayed with Steve so long, it’s certainly not because I love him.  That and I’m terrified he’ll hurt Sylvia or my family in some way if I do breakup with him. ~7~

Shaking me out of my daydream I hear, “pin the number that was given to you to the front of your clothes,” someone yelled, “if you hear your number, go stand behind that red line. ~8~” 

Earlier peeps from the production company walked through those of us who were trying to get a spot as an extra.  They were taking our pictures as they were passing out our corre-sponding number.  Strangely, they’d taken a couple of me, Pinky, and a few other people, but they didn’t seem to be taking more than one of everyone, this minor detail had me freaking out.  But that’s nothing new, I’m a nervous nelly. ~9~

As we stood there, both of us were looking at our phones, Pinky was texting and I was busy playing a game to take my mind off where I was. ~10~ 

Off in the distance I could hear numbers being called, I was only half paying attention, the half that wasn’t listening nearly shit itself when Pinky screamed, “Oh my god, that’s your num-ber – 79, that’s you Stell,” I looked down at my number and sure enough – it was me.  I couldn’t believe it, I stood there stunned. ~11~

Pinky screamed again, “OH MY GOD, that’s me, we both got called.”  Pinky was jogging in place, I’d bet it’s her bodies way of burning off some of the adrenaline she was feeling, I guess she was excited. ~12~   

Did I say stunned, that doesn’t even come close to how I was feeling.  I could feel my chest tightening, my palms were sweating, my stomach sloshing and gurgling, and my butt, well, my butt was somewhere between numb and tingling, you know the feeling, right? ~13~

Get a grip Stell, I was thinking, the last thing you need is a panic attack.  I was getting all wonky so I knelt down hoping I wouldn’t fall over and hurt myself. ~14~ 

Looking down at me, Pinky asked if I was ok.  I gave her a thumbs up, but apparently the lack of blood in my face said something else alto-gether, “do you need some help, are you hav-ing a panic attack,” she whispered. ~15~

After some deep breathing, I managed to get myself under control.  Taking a PRN (aka chill pill) prior to coming here must have helped, I’ve never been able to fend off a panic attack that quickly before.  I finally got back up and Pinky and I walked to the red line. ~16~ 

“Behind the red line people, did you not hear the directions?  If you don’t get better at lis-tening people, you’ll never go further than an extra in this business. ~17~” 

The snotty, nasal voiced assistant corrected those of us who weren’t behind the red line.  In our defense, there wasn’t really room, eve-ryone was crowding the front and pushing back wasn’t an option. ~18~ 

Looking around, I was surprised I didn’t see anyone I recognized.  Mount Pleasant was small enough that everyone pretty much knew everyone else, where the hell did all these people come from? ~19~

“10, 79, 80,” I tuned out as they read the rest of the numbers, my butt was doing that tingling thing again, “please make your way to the door of the nightclub.”  I wonder if she has to prac-tice talking like that?  I roll my eyes at myself, I hate when I judge people, a large part of my anxiety is focused on how people are judging me, I certainly shouldn’t be doing that to oth-ers.  I feel like a horrible person.  Tuning back in, I look to Pinky to guide me. ~20~ 

“Why do we have to go to the nightclub door Pinky?  Have you ever been here before?  Don’t leave me!  Are they going to tell us we didn’t make the cut?  What did we do?  Do I look ok?  Why are those people over there looking at us?  What’s going on? ~21~

“Seriously Stella, calm down, I know as much as you do, let’s just go to the door and find out,” Pinky said as she tried to stifle my questions.  “We’ll find out soon enough, Hun. ~22~

Some of the other numbers got there before we did, I could hear the snarky assistant ex-plaining that we were chosen to have speaking lines, just one or two.  The director wanted us to read the lines before finalizing his decision about who he was going to keep. ~23~

Adrenaline started coursing through my body, I started sweating, I could feel sweat soaking my armpits.  “Pinky, I don’t know if I can do this.  It’s one thing to stand around acting like I’ve been drinking, or even cutting a rug on the dance floor, but a whole other thing to speak lines. ~24~

“You’ve wanted to be an actress for as long as I’ve known you, and you think you can’t speak a few lines?  Silent films are long gone my friend.  It’s not like they’re asking you to be in an entire scene, or do some kind of mono-logue, just take things as they come and you’ll be alright, don’t borrow trouble,” Pinky fin-ished scolding me. No sooner did she finish and we were led into the club. ~25~

“Number 79, where are you?  79….79?”  Nasal Nettie was belting out my number like her life depended on it.  I walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. ~26~ 

“Oh, there you are, can you come over here, I’ll show you the lines we want you to read.  If you could just turn this way and read what is on this page, we’ll get this done.  Don’t be overly dramatic, just act out the lines like you would if you were actually in this situation. ~27~ 

I read what I was supposed to say, it was easy to memorize, it was only two lines and they weren’t even full sentences. ~28~

“Look, I assed for a Cosmo.”  I immediately stopped my reading, oh…my…god, I ‘assed’ for a Cosmo, really?  I can’t believe I just did that.  Look at all those people staring at me.  I know they think I’m some kind of bonehead.  Dam-mit!  I looked at Pinky and she gave me her “calm the fuck down” face.  Easy for her to mime. ~29~

Still looking at Pinky I asked, “can I start over, I’m just a little nervous.  I never thought I’d be asked to read something.  My friend and I just came here to be a part of the extras, you know, like maybe dancing or sitting at the bar. ~30~  I didn’t…” 

I was interrupted from spewing my nonsensi-cal, nervous twitter when a person in the dark said, “its ok, just start over.  Relax, have fun, it’s your chance to be in a movie, millions of people will see you. ~31~

Gunk, millions of people?  My mind started racing and my head was spinning and suddenly everything was black.  When I came to, Pinky was standing over me with a look of ‘what the hell’ on her face, mixed with concern of course. ~32~ 

“Is she alright, will she be ok?” the voice from beyond asked. ~33~ 

“Ya, I’m ok, I haven’t eaten yet and got a little dizzy, can we start over again? ~34~” 

The same voice said, “Why don’t you take five and we’ll see you back after a couple other people have read.  Can we have number 80 next? ~35~” 

Oh bloody hell, I said to myself, they are going to send me back to the regular extra pool. I guess that’s not necessarily a bad thing at this point, it seems I can’t deal with the pressure. ~36~

After Pinky was done with her reading, she cruised over to me, “Are you sure you are okay Stell, you took a pretty hard digger up there. ~37~” 

“Ya, I’m fine, how did you do?  Did you get through the whole 10 words without looking like an idiot? ~38~” 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, you always do that, you are harder on yourself than Steve is and that is saying a lot.  I did fine, I think I did better than fine actually, if they don’t give me a reading part, it’s simply because they’re twits. ~39~” 

Pinky never had self-esteem issues, I’m pretty fucking jealous.  I’d love nothing more than to not be a bumbling idiot all the time. ~40~

“Okay, who’s left...ahhh, that’s right we need to see number 79 again, is she better?”  I heard the voice ask trying to be hushed but failing miserably. ~41~ 

Giving myself a pep talk has helped in the past, so I gave that a go.  K - you’re an actress, ACT like you are okay with this.  Be strong, you can do this, you can rock this whole actress thing, you know you can. ~42~ 

I scramble up to the spot where they asked me to stand before, muttering the lines over and over to myself so I wouldn’t forget.  I was going to recite those damn lines to perfection if it killed me. ~43~ 

“Look, I assed,” O…M…G, I can’t believe I just did that again, what is my problem? ~44~ 

“Start over, let’s change asked to ordered and see how that goes,” the voice said. ~45~ 

Nodding my head, I started again, “Look, I or-dered a Cosmo, this is not a Cosmo,” I said, with my hand on my hip and rolling my eyes like the imaginary bartender was stupid. ~46~ 

YES, I nailed it.  I nearly did a little jig, but stopped myself in the nick of time. ~47~

“That’s great, can we have you read the next lines on the page? ~48~” 

“Oh, ummm, did I read the wrong lines, did I do something wrong, I haven’t practiced the next lines, is that ok?” I asked wondering why they were asking me to read more. ~49~ 

“No, you did everything fine, I’d just like to see you in a different type of character,” the voice said. ~50~

Reading the new lines and committing them to memory, I started.  “Hey girlfriend, let’s go dance.  Let’s get our groove on.  Let’s go heat up the dance floor,” I exclaimed as I was mov-ing my hips and arms to non-existent music. ~51~ 

Again I felt really good about how I delivered the lines and was proud of myself for overcom-ing my fears and showing I could do it.  Even if I don’t get “it”, I’m still coming away proud of my accomplishments today. ~52~ 

Per his request, I called Steve periodically throughout the day.  We played 20 questions every time I called, “how many guys are there, is anyone hitting on you, what does the direc-tor look like, are there any actors there right now,” it’s annoying, but I know it makes him feel better, and as long as it keeps him off my back, I’ll do it. ~53~

I didn’t tell him that they took my picture or that they asked me to read, he’d think I was sleeping with someone and probably come down here to stand by my side until I was done, then kick my ass when we got home. ~54~

After a short time, they told us we could go and that chosen extras with lines would be contacted by the end of the day.  I hated that we weren’t going to know right away, but I didn’t have time to think about it, I needed and honestly wanted to get to work, it was a com-fort zone for me, and Lordy I needed some comfort. ~55~ 

After going home to change and spending some time with Sylvia, I went to work and got engrossed in walking, watering and playing with the animals.  I felt at home here.  Knowing all the animals we had wouldn’t be destroyed made me feel good about my career choice. ~56~

Just before I was heading home, my cell phone rang, “hello? ~57~” 

The voice on the other end of the phone said, “I’m looking for Stella Boogard, is she availa-ble? ~58~” 

Forgetting all about this morning, my memory sucks ass, that is, until it was bedtime, then everything came rushing back to me all at once.  I ruminate over things for any number of days, pointing out to myself how stupid I am, or wor-rying about what people thought about me, or how I could be so idiotic, “speaking. ~59~

“Hi Stella, this is Jay, from today’s shoot.  We’d like to have you as an extra with few lines.  You had a couple minor setbacks, but we were im-pressed with your ability to take the words and create a scene.  Most people who read just read the lines, you made them your own.  Are you still interested? ~60~

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  Is this a prank?  I don’t think anyone who knew I did this would prank me. ~61~ 

“Umm, okay, are you sure you wanted Stella Boogard?” thinking maybe they made a mis-take and there had been more than one Stella reading. ~62~ 

“Yes, I’m certain.  We’ll start filming in two weeks, you’ll be paid $100 a day.  It shouldn’t take longer than one day, but we’ll see how the day goes.  Please wear the same clothing you had on today, arrive at the club at 7am.  We’ll take care of hair and make-up for you as you will be on camera, we’ll also provide lunch for you and the other speaking extras,” Jay said. ~63~

“Yah, sure, I’m still interested, I guess I’ll see you in two weeks. ~64~

I hung up the phone and sat at my desk, my body humming.  Was it excitement?  I mean, for crying out loud, two lines never made any-one a shining star.  Was it nervousness?  I’m going to have to tell Steve that I’ll be on set all day, he’s not going to like that.  What have I gotten myself into?  After about 15 minutes, my phone chirped, it was Pinky texting me. ~65~ 

Pinky - STELLA! ~66~

Me - Hey yah, ~67~ what’s up 

Pinky - Have u heard frm the movie people yet, ~68~ did u get a speaking part

Me - Yes and yes

Pinky - OMG, so did I!!! R u so excited? ~69~  I’m freaking out I’m so happy

Me - Ya, I guess I’m happy, ~70~ just nervous

Pinky - I think u r the only person in the world who can turn this in2 a bad thing. ~71~  Enjoy it will ya

Me - We can talk about the later, ~72~ I’m on my way home

I don’t think I can deal with her when I get home.  I’ll feign sickness and stay in my room. ~73~ 

We’ve all pretty much agreed that our rooms are off limits unless invited, just out of respect to each other and so we don’t come in to something we shouldn’t wanna see.  Some people have no boundaries, I wanted to make sure I’d have mine, I’m the one who requested the rule.  I’m really lucky they love me. ~74~ 

The arrangement works great for me when I’m going through a bout of depression, but I don’t really have to hide it, they understand.  Some-times I just don’t feel like dealing with any one and that includes my two bff’s.  Sylvia is the only one I always want by my side. ~75~ 

We have a nice size place.  We’re renting it from Pinky’s parents.  It’s got three nice size bedrooms, a great kitchen, dining room, laun-dry room – which is the ultimate, and even a yard out back that has a beautiful deck.    Pinky loves the yard.  She’s a flower nerd, the house has great curb appeal thanks to her. ~76~ 

After talking with Pinky, I decided I wasn’t go-ing to tell Steve I got a reading part at all.  He thinks we’re just going to be extras and likely won’t end up on camera.  I had to tell him that people who weren’t extras couldn’t be on the set, he wanted to come down and watch.  What that really meant is that he wanted to come down and make sure I wasn’t doing any-thing wrong, according to his standards, which could really be anything given the mood he’s in at the time.  I’ll take the heat some other time, I just don’t want to deal with it now. ~77~

I couldn’t wrap my mind around everything that happened today, I’m going to be in a mov-ie! People are going to see me in a movie!  Oh, I’ve gotta call Kay, she’s gonna flip! ~78~ 

“I was just thinking about you,” Kay said when she answered the phone, “what are you doing this weekend? ~79~” 

“Oh!” catching me off guard, “geesh, I wasn’t expecting you to answer so quickly.  Not much I don’t think, but I have something to tell you. ~80~

“You sound excited, what is it? ~81~

“I am!  There’s a production company in town and they had a casting call in the paper today to get extras for a big screen movie. Pinky begged me to go with her to try.  Seester, you know me – NO WAY, right?  She pushed and, ~82~ on a whim I agreed and you’ll never guess what happened…”

Interrupting me she said, “oh my God, you met a mega hot actor? ~83~

“Nope, better. ~84~” 

“You met a crazy cool actress?” she continued. ~85~ 

“Nooooo, better!! ~86~” 

“I give up Stell, hit me with it.” she grumbled. ~87~

Still having a hard time believing what was about to come out of my mouth, I slowly ex-plained what happened. ~88~

“I not only got a spot as an extra, they gave me lines to say and said I’ll be on camera for sure.  They will even be doing my hair and make-up for me!  Pinky got a part too!  Our parts are be-ing filmed in two weeks from today!  Can you believe it? ~89~

Silence. ~90~ 

“Hello, Sister, are you there?”  Kay and I called each other Sister, Seester and lastly by our giv-en names.  They were endearments. ~91~ 

You know how when you were young, you knew you were in trouble when your parents yelled and middle named you.  “Stella Paige” or worse, when you got the full name with the middle name, “Estella Paige”, that’s when you knew it was time to go hide under the bed. ~92~ 

If Kay and I used our names with each other it usually meant an argument was being cued up. ~93~ 

After a few more seconds I heard her in the background, “Stella, are you sure this is safe?  How did you hear about this?  Where are you going to be filming?”  Sister has always worried about me, given my mental health issues, and my ability to let people walk all over me. ~94~ 

“Yes, it’s safe, I read about it in the paper on Sunday.  Pinky and I decided to go and the film-ing will be taking place at The Firehouse dance club”, I explained. ~95~ 

My sister was a couple years older than me and I appreciated her looking out for me, but sometimes I wanted to just live my life without being questioned, I am an adult after all. ~96~ 

After I gave her the low down, she seemed to be ok with the whole thing.  If she felt nervous about the filming, I really dreaded calling my parents to share with them what I was doing.  Maybe I’ll wait until filming is done, if they don’t know what’s going on, they won’t need to worry. ~97~ 

Chapter 4: ~98~  On set

The two weeks went by in a flash.  I talked to the board members at the shelter.  I told them I needed to take a couple days off.  I explained I was going to have Carey take care of things for me while I was gone and I didn’t feel there would be any issues.  I promised them I’d be available via the telephone in case of an emer-gency.  They didn’t even second guess me.  It’s so nice having a job where I am trusted and not questioned about everything I do. ~99~

The Sunday before we were due at the set I couldn’t even begin to think about getting some z’s.  The last time I looked at the clock it was 2am; getting up at 5am, was going to be a problem.  Coffee is going to be my salvation tomorrow, I’ll have the jitters and I’ll have to pee, but it’s the price you pay to be a star, which is what I am now.  Yah, right, even I rolled my eyes at myself. ~100~ 

“Please let Pinky and I be together today,” I said out loud looking up to the ceiling.  I was always more comfortable if I had someone I trusted with me, this was true for everywhere I went. ~101~

After taking a shower, I felt more awake than I thought I would, though my stomach was a bit woozy.  I gathered my long blonde hair and put it in a loose pony just to keep it out of my eyes. ~102~

“Knock knock, knock knock, check out the time on the clock, it’s time we rock on down the block,” Pinky sings to no particular beat, getting my attention. ~103~ 

Carey also got up to wish us luck, “break a leg,” he shouted.  Awww nuts, did he have to go and say that, of all things!  Knowing me, I prob-ably will. ~104~

“I know, I know, let’s get on the ball and start bouncing our way outta here, c’mon Pinky.  We should stop and get some coffee. I wish I could hook up an IV and have a coffee drip while we are waiting to start filming.  Wahhhh, listen to me, ‘waiting to start filming’ I sound like I’m an actress or something. ~105~

It doesn’t take us long to get to the site of the filming. I’m in shock and awe at the number of vehicles, different props and people running around.  There were more cords, machines I didn’t recognize, lighting stands and random racks of clothes all around everywhere than I’ve ever seen in my life, it was so cool. ~106~

We see the other extras standing around the corner from the door to the club.  I have a myr-iad of butterflies in my stomach. I send up a short prayer to God asking to get me through this day without going ass-over-tea-kettle or ralphing up the coffee-scented butterflies cur-rently taking over my insides. ~107~

We park and walk up to the security stand.  “Hi, I’m Stella Boogard and this is Pinky, I mean Pe-tunia Stephenopolis,” I said to the guard, “we’re here to film today. ~108~” 

He looked up our names on the clip board he had with him, “Oh yah, I have you right here.  You are both expected to meet inside the club.  Just go through the front door and another guard will tell you where you need to go next. ~109~

Pinky and I find the next guard and he directs us to the far back corner where they have some stations set up.  I’m assuming this is where we will have hair and make-up done.  I’m so freaking excited about this part.  I’ve always wanted to have myself all dolled up by someone professionally. ~110~ 

We just about get to the area we were di-rected to and this dude comes out of one of the cubes and points his finger at me, “you, you’re Stella, you come with me.  And who are you doll?” pointing his finger at Pinky. ~111~

“I’m Pinky, you might have Petunia down.” Dude tells her to go down three stations and tells her that is where she will be made up. ~112~ 

I give a lot of people nick names or assign names of endearment.  I’m terrible at remem-bering everything, but sooo bad at names, it’s just easier for me to name people as I see them.  Right now, the make-up person is Dude because I don’t really know him, but some-thing tells me I’m not going to dig this guy. ~113~

“Okay Stella, let’s see what we have here.  I got the pic’s taken the day of the cattle call, but the pictures don’t really give you an idea of the person.  My, my, my, I didn’t realize you were knee high to a grasshopper and I certainly wouldn’t have known how absolutely breath-taking your eyes were if I hadn’t seen them for myself.  What are they, green, what kind of green are you graced with,” bending at his knees, he got up close and personal to exam-ine my eyes, “….light EMERALD, it’s like light it shining from behind them!  Fantastic, wow.”  Dudes facial expressions were killing me.  I have to admit, even to myself, I did have nice eyes. ~114~

“This hair, amazing, do you have extensions or anything else fake going on in there?”  He takes my hair out of the tie and lets it cascade down my back, “well, kick me in the balls and call me Shirley, this is all you, no bleach, no tone – yet full of different colors.  Schnikey, the Lord broke the mold when he fashioned you together. ~115~

I sat there staring at this man in wonder.  I couldn’t get a word in edgewise even when he asked me a question.  His hands flew around like they had a life of their own and I swear, I’m pretty sure I saw his eyes blur with tears when he felt my hair.  I was freaking out a little bit, but managed to smile and thank him for the compliments. ~116~ 

I’ve never thought much of myself, I did like the color of my eyes, but hair is just hair.  There are plenty of people in the world with hair just like mine.  I rarely did anything but wash it and let it dry on its own.  Whatev’s, I’m just going to sit back and let him take care of everything. ~117~

About an hour later, Pinky came rushing into my station, “Stella, look at me, I’m simply gor-geous dahling.”  My make-up person, who rested long enough to tell me his name was Raul, stopped primping my hair and looked at her.  “You really do look fabulous, but both of you girls started out F…I…N…E, fine, so it’s easy to enhance your beauty.  I’ve had to work with some real…heff…I mean, tragedies. ~118~” 

He took a few more swipes at my hair and said, “Voila, my work here is done,” then turned my chair around so I could see myself. ~119~

Both Pinky and I took a deep breath.  I wasn’t one for wearing much make-up and rarely did anything with my hair.  When I looked in that mirror, I didn’t even recognize myself, it was like something out of a movie.  I guess that’s kinda fitting. ~120~ 

“Holy shitake mushrooms, how did you do that?  I look like a model,” turning my head one way and then the next admiring Raul’s work.  “I’ve never been so pretty in all my life, thank you.”  And my hair, I’d never seen so many curls on my head.  It really didn’t feel like it took all that long, but I was completely trans-formed.  Maybe I should start taking better care of my appearance. ~121~

“Oh – don’t talk like that, you’re breath taking without make up, this just enhances what you already got girlfriend,” snapping his fingers in the air, “now go out there and show ‘em how it’s done Sweetlings.”  Turns out, I will remem-ber Raul’s name, no wonder! ~122~

Practically skipping away from hair and make-up, we were directed to the second floor of the club.  As we’re walking up the stairs, I hear people milling about, talking about this and that, not hushed, but not loud enough to make out what anyone was saying.  Peeking through the railing I see so many feet, but more than that, cords, cameras, some kind of rolly ma-chine thingie with another camera positioned on it.  How many cameras do they need? ~123~

We get to the top of the stairs, I turn my head and look directly into the most piercing blue eyes I have ever seen.  “Sweet Georgia Peach-es, holy shit Pinky, that’s Matt Johnson,” I whisper as she’s plowing into me.  She not only didn’t hear me, but she didn’t realize I had stopped walking either, and bounced into me nearly knocking herself down the stairs and me right into, Matt Johnson, one of the if not THE hottest male actor in films right now. ~124~

Thankfully Matt was there to prevent me from tumbling over.  Taking a deep breath and sigh-ing I say, “You’re Matt Johnson!!! ~125~” 

He just smiled, you know that righteous lop-sided smile where only one corner of a man’s lips turn up?  His eyes were twinkling as he was probably laughing to himself. ~126~ 

Embarrassingly enough, but not out of the realm of being me, I just stared, I think I might have been drooling.  Froogles, what a great first impression. ~127~

By this time Pinky has become aware of the human masterpiece holding me up and starts shaking her hands, nearly jumping up and down and squeels, “you’re Matt Johnson.  Leeex, do you know who is holding you right now?  That’s none other than THE Matt John-son, the actor!  Hi Matt, I’m Pinky.  It’s such a pleasure to see you, I mean meet you.”  This exaggerated introduction must be a regular occurrence for him, he just smiled. ~128~

“Hi Pinky, I’m Matt, it’s nice to meet you. ~129~

I don’t know why I didn’t move away, and I’m not sure why he was still holding me, but I felt so warm and comfortable, I was never this comfortable with anyone.  Electricity coursed through his hands down my arms all the way to my girly bits.  I realized I was blushing, but truly there was no hope for it, I could barely catch my breath. ~130~ 

Matt Johnson is a dream.  Tall and broad, black curly hair, electric blue eyes with traces of greens that you can’t help but stare at and a mouth that just begs to be kissed.  His cupid’s bow was perfect and his bottom lip would be awesome to suck on.  His chest was ooohhh so tight, I knew this because my hands were sub-consciously rubbing it.  I was just about to move my hands lower when I realized what I was doing, I was fricken feeling Matt Johnson up, right here, in front of everyone. ~131~ 

Recognizing I was embarrassing myself, I start to pull myself away hoping to jump start my breathing again.  I feel like I’ve been suspend-ed in time and suddenly everything was com-ing back into focus.  The entire time Matt held me, it was like everything else just went away.  Upon moving Matt looked down at me and asked if I was ok. ~132~

“Ya, you’re good, I mean, hot, fine, dammit it, I’m fine.  I can stand on my own.”  Pinky was staring at me wide eyed and started to snicker when I gave her the ‘Stella stink eye’. ~133~ 

The Stella stink eye has been known to force people to their knees.  I’m sure it’s because I usually look so sweet and innocent, the stink eye takes people by surprise, freezing them into a state of shock.  I inherited this from my mom, she was good at ‘the eye’. ~134~

Matt released me from his grip and I immedi-ately felt a loss.  I got shivers and I wondered what the hell happened to me.  Was it obvious to others, did Pinky notice it, more over did Matt? ~135~ 

Uggg, this was so me, I never set out to make an ass of myself, I’m one of the lucky ones that it just happens to naturally. ~136~

Pinky and I made our apologies for gushing all over him, I thanked him for saving my dignity and turned around to go to the bar we were supposed to meet with the production team. ~137~ 

“Oh my shit Stell, you were practically dry-humping his leg, what the hell was that? ~138~

Sweet, so she DID notice, which means Matt noticed.  I’m a blithering idiot.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Chill, relaxed and excited like eve-ryone else, instead I nearly fall over Matt John-son, who is so dreamy and then drool all over him.  Pinky is right, I practically humped his leg, I wonder if that would have been less embar-rassing than what I did? ~139~

We reach the bar and there are a couple other people waiting, a girl and two guys.  I pray the director or whoever assigns people to roles don’t ask me to be in a scene with those guys.  Steve would have my hide if he thought I was ‘inappropriate’ with anyone.  He’d naturally assume I was since I was within five feet of some dude, I mean I obviously must have slept with him because I apparently have no morals or self-control.  I’m so tired of trying to find ways to live my life normally when I’m in such a fucked up relationship.  I wish I knew a way I could protect everyone from his wrath if I broke up with him.  It would be so much easier if he’d just breakup with me. ~140~

So deep in thought I don’t notice when Jay came over to talk to us.  Pinky snaps her fingers to get my attention and points to him.  When I go into my secret worlds and I’m busy judging myself, I rarely pay attention to what is going on around me. ~141~ 

He starts by calling people’s names and hand-ing out their lines.  He finally calls me, I go get my script and about fall over when it’s two pages!  My chin started quivering and I’m pit-ting out again!  I mouthed to Pinky, “two pag-es? WTH?”  She just shrugs her shoulders as her name is called and she went to get her script. ~142~

“What the hell, Pink,” looking over my sheets to see if she has any lines with me, “I thought this would just be a quick two word shot? ~143~

“I don’t know Stella, but it’s great, this is your dream, you are going to be amazing, I know you will. ~144~

“Pinky, I have whole paragraphs for crying out loud.  Am I talking to other extras or real life characters that will have credits and shit?  Do you think I’m going to screw up?  I’m going to screw up, I know I am.  They are going to regret asking me to do this.  OMG, they are going to ask me to leave in front of everyone and I’m going to be the laughing stock of all these peo-ple.  Pinky, why did you bring me here, I’m such a loser.  Listen, I am going to hold YOU responsible for my failure here!  This is all your fault. ~145~  If I were normal…”

Pinky interrupted my rant, put her hand on my shoulder and looked me square in the eyes, “Girlfriend, chillax, everything will be fine.  You may screw up your lines, but even the best actors and actresses do, that’s how we get blooper reels.  You’ll just start over and move forward.  Don’t start questioning yourself, just breathe deep and move forward. ~146~

“Did you really just say chillax to me? ~147~

I know she’s right, but we’re talking about me here, if I were given a nickel for every time I did something embarrassing I would be a mil-lionaire.  I’m so not kidding.  The only good thing that comes from being me is that my shenanigans make people laugh.  Most of the time it’s at me, but hey, if they’re laughing, I’ll take the credit. ~148~

I spend some time sitting on a bar stool work-ing my lines, picturing in my head how I should use my hands and other body language.  I guess it’s not so bad, there is dialogue, but some of what I freaked about are scene direc-tions, like where I should walk, what kind of emotion I should have and/or lighting notes for the crew.  I’m sharing the scene with some chic named Charley, the sheets don’t give me any other information than that. ~149~

Jay said when it was time for us to film, he’d have his assistant come and get us and they will show us where we should go for our scenes to begin.  I’m still in shock and wouldn’t be surprised if this was all a dream.  Wait, if you are dreaming, do you say things like that to yourself?  Does the whole, pinch me, thing work?  I manage to get myself worked up with this thought process when suddenly the snarky assistant from yesterday taps me on the shoulder. ~150~ 

“You’re Stella, right? ~151~

I jump up, surprising Nasal Nellie and she stumbles back.  I surprising myself too, where did that splurt of energy come from?  I smile some cheesy ass grin and practically shout, “Ya, that’s me!”  She didn’t even try to hide her contempt for me, someone just put me out of my misery now. ~152~

“You’ll start here by the bar, then walk toward those booths over there.  Stop walking as soon as you notice Shae in the booth.  You guys strike up a convo when her boyfriend steps up, line line line, then you’ll walk away, the same direction you came from.  Be sure to listen for the action and cut cues from the director.  Pay-ing attention to those will make this go a lot smoother and you’ll be out of here in no time.  You are working with professionals, so you don’t have to worry about them.  Just do what you’re told and things will be fine.”  Nellie then took off and left me standing there.  Aw fuck!  Give me some Calgon and take me away! ~153~

Jay asks me to go to the bar that I’m starting at, there are lots of extra’s standing around at that time.  I felt so completely out of place, I can’t believe this is happening.  Jay seems distract-ed, but I guess he probably has a lot going on.  “Where the hell is Shae?”  I didn’t know if he was asking me, or someone else, so I just lifted my shoulders and shyly looked away. ~154~ 

“Get the hell in that booth, start acting like the professional actress that you are and let’s get this done.  I don’t want to spend any more time on this than we have to.”  Jay didn’t seem happy with the chica he was talking to.  She was standing with her arms crossed and leg jutted out like she was impatient with him.  I don’t know a fricken fracken thing about how this works, so I look away as soon as I see her turn toward me, then I did a double take. ~155~ 

Holy shit on a shingle that is Shae Adams!!  I think I am in a scene with Shae Adams??? ~156~

Shae was as hot right now as Matt Johnson.  I guess that’s why they are headlining this movie together.  I wonder what the movie is about. ~157~ 

Right now I’m being stared down by someone I looked up to.  If Carey was here he’d say that I pretty much look up to everyone, he’s so origi-nal, but that’s not what I mean at all. ~158~ 

She’s a great actress, I adore her.  She’s as tall as Matt, or close to it, she’s rail thin and the exact opposite of me.  I’m blonde to her dark, green eyes to her dark brown, she even has an olive skin tone, where mine is Scottish pale.  In my excitement, I immediately walk to the booth she’s been directed to and sit down so my knees don’t cave in under me. ~159~

She’s just about to the table and as I start to stand up my foot gets stuck on the table leg.  My arms start swinging backwards, doing little to no good, and I fall back onto the seat of the booth, my legs flailing in the air and suddenly, yup, everyone is getting a booty show. ~160~ 

Seriously, one thing, just one thing needs to go right today.  Lord, give me a break, I need your help here. ~161~

Recovering and trying to regain my composure while everyone who saw what happened is trying to stifle their laughter, I stand up and walk over to Shae.  “Hi, I can’t believe it’s you.  I can’t believe I’m in a scene with you.  You are such a great actress, I’ve seen all your movies, except the last one, I’ve just been too busy, oh and the one before that, I haven’t liked the actor in the movie since he cheated on his wife with that skank, so I won’t see any movies with either of them in it. ~162~

“Then you’ve really only seen two of my mov-ies,” she said while she was giving me the once over. ~163~

Feeling uncomfortable, I just smiled and said, “I’m sorry, I’m just nervous and my mouth tends to get away from me.  It’s really very nice to meet you. ~164~

“Yah, whatever,” changing her glare from me to the booth, she walks over and sits down. ~165~

Walking back to the bar I was thinking about what happened.  Then I was thinking, man someone obviously has an ego problem, it’s a shame, without people like me, people like her wouldn’t exist.  I sit back down and wait for further instructions from Jay. ~166~

After a couple minutes he walks over to me.  “Hi there Stella, how are you doing?  You look great, are you relaxed?  Don’t pay any atten-tion to Shae there, she’s having a bad day and is hocking up her attitude all over us, it’s noth-ing personal, or new.  Ok, with that being said,” he claps, “do you know your lines? ~167~

“Yep, I got my lines down, feeling good and ready to hit the ground running.”  Trying to sound more confident than I am, I smile and add, “I think I got this all under control.”  Yah, famous last words. ~168~

“Ok, then listen for my cue’s – Shae will start the scene, you just follow the script.  If you have any questions, let me know, if you can’t remember a line, call out LINE and it will be provided to you.  Ready? ~169~” 

I nod and immediately I feel my head start sweating, oh noooo, my beautiful hair!!!! ~170~
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