by Mari McKee
Comedy- A true recounting of my only internet date
|My Only Internet Date
Following a long divorce, it was time to resume living my life. Well-intention friends arranged some “blind dates” that left me wanting to be blind. I did not want to go to bars to meet men who were nearly in a drunken stupor. So I did something totally foreign to me; I visited a dating web site. I was wary because I had been warned that most people lie on those sites. I began looking at men who had posted photos and came across a slightly familiar face. His profile stated that he was the tennis pro at a nearby country club. I was on a tennis team and I remembered playing against one of his teams. I saw him only briefly, but he was cute and had appeared to be nice and normal. So we began an internet relationship. The more we chatted, the more interested I became. After a short while, he asked me on a date. I was excited to go out with him. Even though I knew he was real, and I knew members of his tennis teams, I was still cautious. I agreed to meet him in a very public coffee house. We would drive separately because I was not about to get into the car of a virtual stranger.
I arrived at the coffee house fifteen minutes early at 7:45 PM for our 8:00 PM meeting. I sat at a table not far from the door so that I could make a fast get-away, if needed. At 8:20 PM, I was getting ready to leave and not too happy at being “stood up” by this guy. My phone rang and it was him, apologizing for being late and giving me some long-winded excuse. He would be there in ten minutes. I ordered a coffee that came in a cup the size of a soup bowl. It was delicious and I ordered another when he walked in the door. I instantly did calculations on him as to his height, weight, age, and grooming. He was shorter than I remembered, but physically fit. He appeared his stated age but his grooming was not what I expected. He was wearing sweaty tennis clothes, stinky tennis shoes, and he had bad breath. But to his credit, he was cute and possessed all of his teeth.
We chatted amiably over more coffee (3rd giant cup for me), and I could feel my pulse racing. I became hyper-aware of everything he said and while he did not specifically say anything that put up a warning flag, my intuition was telling me to run. He, on the other hand, appeared smitten with me. After about an hour, I was speeding on a caffeine overdose and wanted to go home so that I could run around the block a few times. As we were leaving, he asked me for a real date. I gave him my best smile and lying, told him to call me about a date. I did not know what to tell him. I couldn’t tell him the truth that I did not want a date for some reason. Well, I had time to figure out how to turn him down when he called.
It took me ten minutes to get to the coffee house, but, for some reason, I got home within five minutes. Instead of running around the block, I did some vigorous exercises then settled into bed with remote control in hand. Then it happened. My cell phone began ringing and before I looked at it I knew it was him. Annoyed that he was calling too soon and too late, I, being a hypocrite, politely answered. He told me he forgot to ask me something earlier. Following is our conversation:
Him: What do you wear when you play tennis?
Me: Tennis clothes (trying to refrain from being a smart ass)
Him: What kind of tennis clothes?
Me: A tennis skirt, a tennis top and tennis shoes. Why?
Him: I was hoping you said a skirt and not shorts. You are hot and have great looking legs. I want to give you some free tennis lessons.
Me: That’s nice. Maybe in a few months from now? I wanted to say, “Maybe never”
Him: How long is your tennis skirt?
Me: Regulation length (What the hell?)
Him: I know you are so hot and sexy in your tennis skirt! You have beautiful legs and the hottest butt!
Let me interject, that at this point, I was sitting straight up in bed and had gotten paper and pen from my nightstand to take notes.
Him: And you know what would turn me on even more?
Me: What? (I HAD to ask)
I began to hear faint slapping sounds from his phone. What is that?
Him: I want to dress in your tennis skirt and have you straddle me as I (use your imagination) your eyeballs out of your head.
I am writing as fast as I can while biting my lip to keep from screaming with laughter.
Me: silence (I mean, really, how do you respond to that comment?)
Him: After that, I am going to put on high heels to go with your tennis skirt and bend you over and and do "it" again.
That slapping sound picked up tempo and it finally dawned on me what he was doing. I felt like I was the Neanderthal that had discovered fire.
Him: Oh, babyyyyy (audible groan)
Me: I have to go now. Have a good night. (click)
I disconnected and immediately called one of my friends. I was dying to tell her about this “date”. We howled with laughter for nearly an hour. Believe it or not, he called me the next morning and acted as if everything was normal. Snickering, I told him that I hoped he found the tennis skirt of his dreams and to never call me again or I would tell everyone I knew at the country club, where he was the tennis pro, about what a pervert he was.
He never called again and I never looked for a date on the internet again.