A nurse, now a patient in a coma, experiences life on the other side of things.
| What is happening here? I cannot seem to move though I want to. I can't even open my mouth to speak.|
And yet, I hear my family and friends talking to me and to each other. I can hear the doctors and nurses too. They don't know I am alive inside here and just trapped. It seems as if I can only listen for a few moments before this deep sleep envelopes me again, taking me back to the solemn darkness.
A slim ray of light peering in the window wakes me again. I can't open my eyes but I can see the shades in front of me lightening. I hear a young voice say good morning to me. I can smell her freshness in the perfume she is wearing, and the clean smell of her presence. It must be a new day, the start of a new shift. She is gently touching my arm and telling me that she will freshen me up. Thank God for an angel like her. She shares her words aloud, though she knows there will be no response to them. She gives me the benefit of the doubt and I ponder for a moment to think if she knows how monumental that is to me right now.
I think back to all the people I took care of in my career as a nurse and wonder if I gave them this ounce of respect. It seems like an olive branch right now...one I want to grab on to with every part of me. And yet, I cannot. I cannot move. I cannot get my words out of my still body.
She is moving my lifeless limbs as she bathes me. Seems so strange to be on this side of things and I wonder how I got here. I can't remember how. My sister's loud voice breaks the silence now and I hear her asking how I am doing today. The sweet nurse replies that things are âbout the same. What does that mean , I wonder. Denise says that my color looks like it is improving and I can feel a spark of hope ignite in my own heart as the words leave her lips, hoping it means I will be out of this limbo I am caught in soon.
I fade some with the heavy fatigue this foggy space brings and drift off again, only to be awakened by the sweet voice of my daughter now who is talking with my sister. She picks up my hand and I can feel her lovely fingers holding mine. I visualize them as I remember them...so tan and pretty, soft,like her. I hear her crying now and a very deep ache sets into me to think of her being so sad. I want with every part of me to let her know I am okay.
I decide to fight with all the strength I can summon to squeeze her finger. I focus intently on this minute gesture which seems insurmountable. Again and again..and suddenly I hear her shout out. She is telling them that she felt me squeeze her hand. The nurse quickly tells her it may just be a reaction of my nervous system but I am determined to let Sofia know it's not and I do it again! She is so excited and she is asking me to show them...to do it again under her direction. I am feeling my heart pounding as this electricity builds and I try so hard that I actually force my eyes open with the push.
There she is..my Peach,looking back at me with those big beautiful brown eyes,smiling. My own stare back into them and it is as if they, themselves, with all the years of her love and grace in them , have unlocked the door. I am back. The darkness has set me free.