by Mari McKee
A comic look at some basic rules for riding elevators
Comedy: June 15, 2016 Issue [#7690]Writers / Writer / Creative Writing
Enclosed in a 6’ x 6’ box with up to 8 other people requires etiquette rules in order to ensure a safe and happy ride to your destination. Not strictly adhering to elevator etiquette can lead to serious repercussions. Ranked in importance, these are the top elevator etiquette rules, which must be observed at all times.
*Noises produced by bodily functions are absolutely forbidden. A noise-producing, malodorous escape of intestinal methane gas will ban you from any future elevator rides. I am referring to the gag-producing, tear-producing, and God- awful- smelling- expulsions that are audible and speak with syllables. In such a small space, it is nearly impossible to blame it on someone else in the same elevator. There is nowhere to run and hide, so the other occupants are held hostage to the cabbage and liver with onions you ate last night.
*Eructation in a co-occupant’s face is also forbidden. First of all, you have invaded their personal space. Americans require approximately 18 inches of space to not feel threatened. Trying to stifle a belch 4 inches from someone’s face, following the rapid ingestion of a hot dog with onions and kraut, and a large Pepsi, is physiologically impossible.
*Proper form is required in an elevator car. As you enter the elevator, make no eye contact with others on the elevator. Immediately turn to face the door, and stare at the numbers. Your eyes must not wander. If you get on an elevator and stand in the corner with your back to the door, the others will be convinced you are a victim of “The Blair Witch Project”.
* Do not use your cell phone to talk, unless you are receiving an urgent incoming call. Please be sure the speaker is not on during your conversation. No one wants to hear yo’ baby daddy screaming drug - hazed obscenities at decibels high enough to cause hearing loss. Texting, while annoying, is acceptable.
*Wear deodorant, brush your teeth, wash your hair and wear clean clothes. Body odor and halitosis could induce gagging or actual emesis among your co-riders in a tiny enclosed space where everyone is held prisoner until at least the next floor.
*Use aftershave and perfumes with a modicum of restraint. Humans become desensitized to fragrance over time. Then it takes more of the product for you to smell it. People 20 feet away can smell you. In an elevator, the amount of scent you use can cause the others to suddenly look for tissue to stem the relentless tears streaming from their eyes, down their faces. Change your fragrance every 6 months.
*In the event your elevator malfunctions and stops between floors, do not begin to panic about your extreme claustrophobia making the other occupants want to hurt you. Do not give a critique about the movie where a group of strangers get stuck in an elevator for hours with someone on the elevator murdering the other occupants in the dark.
By following these etiquette rules, you will be able to board any elevator with confidence and enjoy a safe ride to your destined floor. If you break any of the rules, you will probably find yourself riding the elevator alone as everyone else gets off and patiently waits for the next elevator to avoid riding with you.