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Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Comedy · #2087126
A nuclear blast can be bad, even worse if your spouse survives too. Dialogue 500 June '16
Note: This story was a submission for the June, 2016 Dialogue 500 Contest. To view the contest rules, click on Contest Rules:

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D-Cups Runneth Over

Indeliblu Ink


"Milton, will you stop looking at your stupid dials and gauges long enough to listen to me?"

"What is it this time, Bernice?"

"We've been down here for umpteen years now. When do we escape from this Hell-hole and go back outside?"

"The radiation levels are marginal, Bernice, and we've been down here six years." Although it feels like a lot more than 'umpteen' years after being married to you, you nagging, psychotic witch. Beside, after being with you, going to Hell couldn't possibly be much more than a 'lateral move'. "It shouldn't be too long before we can go up, my love."

"I hope you're right, because we only have about 3 months' worth of food, pal."

There'd be a lot more food right now if you didn't eat like a human trash compactor, dear. Wait, did she say three months? Oh crap, that might not be enough to get us to the 'totally-safe-to-go-out' level. Hmmmm....unless.... "You know, Bernice, I must have misread the air quality index meter before. I think it's safe for you to go out and take a quick look-see."

"Are you sure, Milton?"

"Absolutely, Bernice. Have I ever lied to you..." Recently, that is? "Go out for five minutes, and then I'll go out for five minutes. Fair enough?"

"I guess so. Well, here goes. I love you, Miltie..."

"Yeah...whatever." Wow, that was easy. I shoulda tried that a few years ago. Now, there's a six month supply of food. Well played, Miltie my boy, well played.

"Milton! Oh my God -- you should see this: It appears all the men have died off, and there's nothing but women left on earth. And it's just hideous, Milton, because all of the women seem to have developed oversized breasts from the radiation. Not only that, but the only store that survived must have been a Victoria's Secret, because all of these 'deformed' women are running around in barely nothing. Oh Milton, it's terrible. Some of these women were even chanting something about 'procreation', if you can believe that. Thank God you're not here to see any of this. Let me back in so we can wait until this strange, horny species dies off. Wow, you sure opened that time lock door mighty fast!"

"Bernice, get back in here. It doesn't sound safe for you out there. I think I'd better look for signs of life; maybe even try to exterminate those savage women."

"But Milton, you don't even have your gun. And why do you have your camera?"

"I, uh, need a record for future generations, Bernice, in case we don't make it." Yeah, that's the ticket...'future generations'.

"Be careful, Milton. You don't know what those women can do to you."

"I have a very good idea, Bernice. I promise to be careful. Now lock the door behind me..." And don't wait up...

"Good luck, Miltie..." As in 'good luck finding any of those fictitious women', you imbecile. NOW there's a six month supply of food.

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Words: 500





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