A short story (satire), about Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang as adults.
|Charlie Brown, The Adult
Have you ever wondered how life would be for Charlie Brown at age thirty? Perhaps it would be something like this ...
Charlie Brown was always exhausted after a hard days work. He'd been cleaning portable outhouses (part time), for five years now. It was the only job that he qualified for after finally flunking out of high school at age twenty one.
Charlie and his pal, Pigpen, clocked into work every morning at around eight fifteen, which was fifteen minutes later than their required schedules demanded. Their boss, Lucy, would throw a hissy fit at them that went something like this; "*&%%%@@@^^% YOU BLOCKHEADS!" Lucy's hands were tied when it came to having the means to fire them, since no one else in Sebastopol wanted their jobs; which were far beneath anything Lucy would ever be willing to do.
Mr. Brown ... being a bachelor, had very little going for him. He had really let himself go, now weighing two hundred and seventy five pounds at the height of five foot and one inch. His only successful dates were with "Little Debby", and he dated her often; at least thirteen times a day.
Charlie suffered with incontinence, so he had to wear adult diapers all day and all night. None of the old gang would invite him over for holidays because he was a leaker, so his only real friend was Snoopy and his housemate Pigpen, who, (believe it or not) had actually cleaned up his act at age eighteen when he attended the prom with Peppermint Patty. He'd lost forty two pounds and started working out, which captured the attention of many of the single ladies in town. But his new (clean and fit) look, quickly turned him into an egotistical "player", whom Patty and every other available girl in Sebastopol despised. Marcie later moved in with Patty who had become her "VERY BEST" friend.
Pigpen remained a good friend to Charlie. He was the only one who would visit him when he was incarcerated at age 23. Charlie went to prison for two years after having been convicted of involuntary manslaughter for accidentally backing over his good friend (Franklin), while driving his AMC Pacer. When his prison time was up, Charlie's probation required that he attend AA meetings twice a week for five years.
Linus wrote to Charlie Brown on occasion after moving to Sri Lanka to join a cultist organization ... his baby blanket, now wrapped artistically around his mohawk shaved head, he spent hours a day chanting and singing praises to an invisible deity.
Schroeder moved to Russia at the age of twenty two after being hired to play piano for the Bolshoi Ballet Company and was never heard from again.
Sally, (Charley's little sister), at age 16, Joined a Hungarian circus, where she met and married a clown named Marco Bolito. They had three children who later became the "Flying Bolito Brothers", (a trapeze act), that went on to win an "America's Got Talent" finale.
It seemed the only thing that remained the same in Sebastopol was the friendship between Snoopy and his little yellow bird friend Woodstock, who enjoyed sitting atop Snoopy's shoulder, while Snoopy daydreamed of brutal airplane battles with the infamous Red Baron.
All of the events portrayed in this story are absolutely untrue. Luckily, the Peanuts gang will never grow up, which protects them from almost every horrible circumstance that we adults have to face, with the exception of having a "holder" suddenly remove a football that is just about to be kicked.
This story is not meant to offend anyone in the portable potty business, the circus, the Bolshoi Ballet, trapeze artists, the gay community, Little Debby fans, fat people, ex cons, cult members, Mohicans, air plane pilots, daydreamers, AA members, people on probation, or people who wear their baby blankets on their heads.