by Mari McKee
Are you a Crazy Cat Lady?
|Signs and Symptoms of the Crazy Cat Lady Syndrome
There are several ways to determine if you are becoming a crazy cat lady. One of the main signs for making this diagnosis is when you ask your cats questions, and you understand their answers. First of all, why would you ask cats anything? Cats are opinionated, biased, selfish and quite frankly, they don’t give a damn about your questions unless it involves them personally. Cats are, however, multilingual communicators through their meows and body language. They also are talented in cultural diversity. They know which cultures eat cats so they stay away from those people. Cat communications include tail swishes, squinted eyes full of disdain, different pitched meows, nipping, clawing and pawing.
Following is a list of symptoms for self-diagnosis:
- If you ask your cat if your new pants make your butt look big, he will give you an affirmative answer with a disdainful look and then walking away with his tail straight up in the air as an exclamation point so that you get a good look at his backside. Cats, at least, are honest. If you are so lonely you are resorting to having conversations with your cats, call a physic or sex line where they will be delighted to talk to you.
- If your wardrobe consists of over seventy five percent of “cute” cat clothes you may be becoming a crazy cat lady. Cat underwear, cat pajamas, cat sweaters, cat purses, cat socks, and cat jewelry fall under the category of a cat wardrobe. If you have sexy cat lingerie from Frederick’s of Hollywood, you have officially attained the status of “Crazy Cat Lady”.
- Yearly photos of your cats sitting on Santa’s lap proudly displayed on the mantel, cat dishes and mugs, and cat curtains on your kitchen windows are all indicators of this disorder. Buying kitty outfits and costumes to dress-up your cats is definitely a sign, requiring immediate help from a psychiatrist.
- Having a row of cat litter boxes and a mini-silo of cat litter is not a good sign. If your tiny cans of gourmet cat food out-number cans of people food in your pantry then you might need help. If your clothes and furniture and everything else you own, are covered with cat hair despite your vacuuming them, this is a sign you have too many cats. If you have more than one or two cats consider having them shaved monthly. Your clothes and furniture will thank you.
- If you repeatedly ask family and friends to come visit and no one ever comes, this could be because you are becoming a crazy cat lady or have already attained that status. The last visitor, over three years ago, was attacked by a swarm of cats in your living room. Their feline intuition told them the visitor was allergic to cats so they wanted her to feel welcome in their world. She left within ten minutes gulping a handful of Benadryl. She began having trouble breathing on the way home and barely made it to the hospital for an injection of adrenaline to keep her from going into anaphylaxis.
- If you have more cats than you do windowsills or if you can hear your cats upstairs chasing each other, sounding like a herd of elephants trampling in panic, you have too many cats.
If all your designer wallpaper is shredded into straight lines, not only do you have too many cats, you have too many bad cats. If you have three different books on your night stand about how to toilet train your cats as your bedtime reading material, you are in danger.
- Spending hours online looking for perfect cat beds or scratching posts indicates a problem. Many cats of normal owners sleep in an empty cardboard box and also use it as a scratching post. When the box has collapsed, they throw it away, stop at the grocery store and get a “new” box.
If any of the above situations apply to you, seek help immediately as you are well on your way to becoming a Crazy Cat Lady. If you have already achieved that status, God help you.