|This is about my life that I strive each moment in a recursive mental strife with just a few moments of solace. The expression is of defeat and vulnerability.
I live with my wife and a child. And my relationship with my wife is simply dysfunctional - and that has been since the day of our wedding. There has been a conspicuous vacuum in our relationship, which I admit, I realize but not as often as it used to be. Seems normal the way it has been for us from these very long three-four years.
Some hit-or-miss sparks of romance thrive this enslaved union of ours and gives us puny hope of a better future one day.
Few days ago I saw her chattering to a guy outside our house. Her gestures were agile while he sat inclined on his red bike. Must have been her colleague who dropped her from office. She naively bounced back into the house completely ignorant about my presence.
Few days later it became a regular fashion for her to be dropped by this guy, the chattering, and giggling, and then bouncing back to the house and completely unaware of my presence. I began wondering why does she not account the fact that I may be watching her and later question her.
One day when I returned from my job I saw this man in my house, facing opposite to me, sitting on the rug with toys dispersed all over it and playing with my child. And my child who disapproves a stranger is, in fact, playing calmly. Funny it may sound, but this guy emits calmness. His presence in my house just doesn't affect me.
But day by day he was getting close to my wife as if they were made for each other. they chatted long nights as if they did not care about the world and I was invisible to them. My presence didn't matter to them at all.
Initially, I made a few objections by taunting her but it made no effect on her. She was indifferent to me and seeming quite happy. I tried talking to this guy, but he said that I was thinking all in wrong directions, and there is nothing as such to read. It's normal.
I was getting mad day by day, what was happening. I lost trust in my feelings; the way I should react to a situation. I started shouting to myself.
I confronted them when one night they were lying close to each other arms-in-arms. I cried, yelled but they did not deter. they remained lay and talking to each other as if nothing else in the world ever mattered.
I lost all hopes. And I knew this relationship had no meaning at all.
And she seemed really engaged and happy.
I packed my bags and with tears I left the house. And wished them good luck. Walked on the silent street and never felt so lonely in the world.
Only that there was no vacuum left. I was however filled with anguish and pain.
And then I woke up and everything was in place. It was a dream.
On further introspection on my dream, I found that the same friend of hers was me, a part of me. And if I become one I would loose the other. My dream was inspired by abandonment - fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed.