exit stage left or right, you decide
| The Making of a Movie - A Ham Sandwich After Dark
I am very pleased to be invited to the set of this particular movie production, as I feel certain I can offer excellent advice on what should and should not be done on such a movie set as this.
My lack of knowledge, experience and expertise in the endeavor of movie making or film production is of no relevance to me as I consider it a mere trifling, an insignificant fact at best!
I know what parallax, f- stop, diopter adjustment and action mean. Truthfully what else is there? I'm sophisticated and technical to an incomparable degree, not to mention magnanimous and accommodating.
As twilight falls in delicate purple, I notice someone talking frantically on a pay telephone, the door of the booth being left partially ajar, (for the purpose of ventilation, I assume) as I can discern, only intermittent tidbits of his urgent conversation, punctuated from time to time by loud unrestrained, bursts of robust flatulence.
I find this tableau of a frantic call from a phone booth especially odd as I assume phone booths to be obsolete or otherwise passe, except for maybe Superman or possibly Humphrey Bogart .
Suddenly approaching sirens wail urgently, bright red flashing lights illuminate the fading twilight, announcing an emergency as an ambulance arrives on the scene.
As I walk towards this severely distressed caller I see he is becoming more animated and desperate, now trying to provide his location to the ambulance driver. Is there any way that I can possibly be of assistance I agonize ?
I now become aware that he is placing his call from the corner of a very large building constructed very similar to a warehouse which appears to have been converted into a night club, I see the neon lights of the night club come to life as the fleeting dusk of a summer night evaporates and nightfall settles in.
I assume he is calling for someone that has been severely injured or somehow gravely stricken in the night club, surely it must be a close friend or perhaps even a relative, as his sincere and frantic pleading continues!
However to my profound astonishment I discover that this is certainly not the case, as he suddenly redirects his conversation towards me only, fiercely shouting and with great passion, a countenance of stark desperation, his voice cracking with just an ever so slight nuance of despair, Please, please help me I need an ambulance immediately, immediately!
I offer, "there is an ambulance just around the corner from you this very moment that has just arrived, as it was dispatched in response to your urgent phone call! All you have to do is just step over there around the corner, do you think you can make it?... If not I will be glad to help you, or I will go tell them myself you need an ambulance immediately, it being such a dire emergency. "
" Why should I do that? They know I don't really need an ambulance, you bungling novice," he snaps with great exasperation and anger, " it's not in the script!"