A comedy satire about gangsters are how they take over society.
|The Poo Poo Head Gangsters by Rory Smith
Chapter One - The Man Of Summer.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tom Iron Duke. I am a monster, in human skin. I am what you fear most in the world. No one can take me on. For I have the power over this world by words.
Let me tell you the story of how I got here. But I warn you there is a twist at the end.
I was seventeen at the time, and had just left school for the big bad world of adult life. A life where only the sharks can swim without fear of conquest. I needed to make a name for myself. So I took on the local tough guy.
I saw that Barry Failey was the local bad boy with a name for terrifying locals with his threats and terror campaigns on local green grocers. So I saw him, and his gang of 5 hoodlums walking along the street in sight of three police women and a female librarian called Justine.
I decided to put down a marker. I stood in the street in front of a crowd of passers by, and then I pulled out my biggest weapon. I shouted at the gang, ‘You are a bunch of poo poo heads, and you smell terrible.’
Three of the gang fainted at the severity of the insults. Barry Failey got down on his knees and cried in humiliation, ‘No. Someone tell that bad boy to stop. It is ruining my reputation. And now you come to mention, I do smell something terrible.’
The police women and the librarian immediately ran over to me. The librarian gave me a firm stare, and the 3 police women arrested me.
Barry Failey lay on the ground in shock at the insults, while his gang ran for it, apart from the 3 who fainted who waited for medical help.
Chapter Two - Who Is The Daddy?
I was sentenced to 16 weeks in the Cheeseingloch Borstal, a young offenders home for the most dangerous of all people. Being the new boy, everyone expected me to be the big woosy in the prison. They expected everyone to take me on all over the place. But I was tougher than they expected. I remember on my first day, the Daddy of the prison, the toughest prisoner in prison in other words, called Tank Winstone, aged 21 years old, who had been arrested for beating up some old ladies, walks up to me and tells me to my face, ‘You are the ugliest creep I have ever seen. You are a weirdo.’
He just stared into my eyes and expected me to crumble. He had me surrounded by 6 big thugs, who were expecting me to start crying.
But, I remember, I knew they would buckle when I gave them my big reply.
I stared back at Tank, and stated, ‘You are a poo poo head, and you eat cat poo for breakfast, and when you go to bed at night, you cry like a baby.’
Tank did not know what had hit him, and started to cry his eyes out.
Tank stated, ‘No one has ever said anything like that to me before.’
One of the thugs looked furiously at me, then put his arms around Tank, who was weeping like a baby.’
Then I gave my ultimate comment, ‘By the way what is that terrible smell? Is it you Tank? Did you make that terrible smell?’
Tank, cried and then farted in so much fear.’
Over the next few weeks my reputation grew. I became the Daddy of the prison with my terrifying insults of calling anyone who I wanted to insult, a poo poo head, and pointing out they smelled terrible. I had an uncanny habit of noticing the smell before anyone else.
One day the prison warden, General Morton, a fifty year old army veteran, with experience of some of the toughest war zones on the planet, pulled me up to his office and told me to stop insulting everyone.
General Morton was expecting me to buckle under the intense pressure.
But I had news for him, I replied, ‘Ooh what is that terrible smell General Morton?’
He blushed, and stuttered out, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
Then I went for the killer blow, ‘You are a poo poo head. I think you are a poo poo head who eats cat poo for breakfast.’
General Morton looked terrified, ‘Look! I think we can come to some sort of agreement. How about I give you, your own room with a TV, internet access, food from the finest restaurants?’
I replied coolly, ‘Not good enough. I want more or else I will call you poo poo head again. To your face, behind your back and in print.’
General Morton replied, ‘Oh my God. I have been on war zones, and seen my own men die at the hands of torture, but this is the most terrifying spectacle I have ever met. No one has ever called me poo poo head to my face before.’
General Morton agreed that I should spend the rest of my sentence in his house in his guest room with satellite and cable TV, exercise machines, free food, and the right to wander his town with no inspections. And that General Morton would take my place in the prison, on condition that I would not call him poo poo head again during the sentence.’
From this I learned the easy way, that I had people in palm of my hands. I had a power over people that they could not fight. I had charisma, bravery, strength, incredible IQ and emotional intelligence. I could man manage anyone.
I said to myself that I would never bow down to anyone again. People would bow down to me, even the Queen herself or else I would call her poo poo head.
Chapter Three - Pay Homage To Me.
On the outside within months I became the most powerful criminal in the land. A criminal mastermind. I would walk up to the local gangster in every neighbourhood and call him a poo poo head, then I would take over his criminal businesses on the threat of calling him a poo poo head to him, and his wife, and children.
Only one gangster across the entire country stood up to me. His name was Fat Mursiro. He was the biggest gangster in the country, and had built up a multi million pound criminal industry.
He thought he could stand up to me. But I walked past his guards by ripping them apart by calling them poo poo heads. Then I wandered into his mansion, and up to his office where he was getting sucked up to by some corrupt politicians. I remember talking to them, calling them corrupt poo poo heads, they sat, terrified of my way with words. Then I said to Fat Mursiro, ‘Look poo poo head. I am taking over your entire business, and there is nothing you can do about that. And by the way. What is that smell?’
Fat Mursiro started screaming in terror, and begged me not to call him poo poo head again, or to point out the funny smell.’
I agreed, but only on condition that he gave his 20 year old pet cat to me, and let me take over his business.
With that I was now the most powerful gangster in the country. Politicians of all parties would suck up to me, and give me 10% of every tax collected, and kick backs on construction projects to me.
I was told every crooked way to make money, and to take over other criminal master plans.
I even met the Queen, who I said to her that I was a law abiding businessman. She was forced to knight me, and appoint me to the privy council.
My main henchmen, were John Gayley, a 27 year old strong fat muscle man renowned throughout the country for being my counsel.
Then Jason Farrar, a twenty nine year old former military soldier who had been arrested for calling people morons, and was sent to work in my firm.
Another henchman was Aled Defeat, a skinny short bloke who had one leg shorter than other. He was a divorced father of three.
But to my chagrin, I heard of one man in the capital who was refusing to pay protection money to me. His name was Clyde Cumbernauld, a key cutter in the small town of Llanbryn.
I went round with my 3 main henchmen to the
key cutter shop.
When Clyde saw me, he looked terrified, so I walked up to him and said, ‘What is this? I hear you are not paying protection money to my business. Are you, a lowly key cutter, seriously imagining you can take me on? I will destroy you.’
The key cutters children and wife came down to see what the commotion was about.
Then I let go of my reticence, and insulted him to his face, ‘You are a poo poo head, and what is that funny smell, in here?’
Clyde Cumbernauld fell down to his knees, and started to cry, ‘No, no. Do not call me poo poo head in front of my children and wife. No the humiliation is too much to handle. I will do anything to make you stop.’
With that I forced him to pay me the protection money, on threat of calling him poo poo head again.
I was the de facto secret ruler of the country, and it seemed to me everyone was to do my bidding.
But to my horror there were some people not prepared to do my bidding.
Chapter Four - The Cod Of War.
The nation’s first woman President Nicola Cod, had learnt of my criminal escapades and decided to challenge my control. She knew the justice system was stacked in my favour with people too scared to send me to prison, to arrest me, to sentence me to any sort pf punishment, and only Nicola Cod, and a close cortege of aides were prepared to stand up to me.
She invited me to the President’s official residence, then
lectured me that I should not use my power to abuse people. But I did not care, I shouted at her that she was an insolent poo poo head who ate cat poo for breakfast. Then I questioned what that funny smell in the mansion was, ‘Was it you?’
Nicola Cod replied back, ‘I do not smell, and you are a poo poo head, not me.’
I was furious and screamed over and over again that she was a poo poo head, and smelt terrible. Then I threatened her. I would humiliate her in front of everyone.
Nicola stated she would stand up to me, no matter what I threw at her.
Chapter Five - The Conference Of Poo Poo.
Two weeks later Nicola Cod stood at the podium of her party’s national conference, when important members of her party would make speeches to a national TV audience to encourage people to vote for the party.
The previous 3 days had seen speeches by the departmental heads of the treasury department, justice department, environmental department, transport department, foreign affairs department, and the various devolved departments.
But as Nicola made her speech, something terrible for her happened. Half way through her speech could be heard from the podium the sound of breaking wind. Nicola tried to explain that it was not her. Then a voice spoke over her, doing an impression of her. It was obviously Aled Defeat doing a woman’s voice, saying, ‘I am a poo poo head. No one should vote for a poo poo head like me.’
The audience started laughing in hysterics at their party leader being humiliated. She was virtually destroyed.
Back in my mansion I laughed with Aled, Jason, and John at how we had humiliated our main rival.
Nicola fell down massively in the opinion polls, at people deciding that she smelled, and that she had been called a poo poo head, with my hilarious practical joke.
Chapter Six - The Fight Back Begins.
But unbeknownst to me the secret police, and the government decided to fight back.
President Nicola Cod decided I was a major threat to national security.
She got her biggest supporters, the Police Head Chief Inspectoress Telephone, a 52 year old female head of the National Police Department. She also invited in the Chief of Secret Intelligence Julian Forest, to plan how to get back at me.
Nicola Cod met with Telephone, and Forest in the Rectangle Office.
Telephone suggested, ‘Look we need to take the kit gloves off, and challenge this evil for what it is. Fight fire with fire.’
Julian Forest exclaimed, ‘I can’t believe you are seriously suggesting that we carry out extrajudicial means of targeting this threat to national security. It is unconstitutional.’
President Cod stood up to her full height and said, ‘We will have to. Or else this evil will take over this nation and destroy our institutions. Sometimes the state has to fight back with extrajudicial powers, and I expect you to carry out these means.’
Julian Forest was sweating profusely at these demands and mopped his brow with a small towel, ‘Are you seriously suggesting that we respond to this man calling everyone poo poo head, by the state calling him a poo poo head? Do you realise how serious that is to democracy? Once the state has that power who knows where it could end.’
President Cod nodded and replied, ‘I am asking you to carry out a suitable punishment on this evil, or else the entire country will fall apart.’
Inspectoress Telephone replied, ‘We need to fight fire with worse than fire. We need to absolutely humiliate this man, and destroy his criminal empire.’
President Cod suggested, ‘I am giving you all the resources you need to carry out this mission. Whoopee cushions, fake poo, fart machines, smell detection devices, and hidden cameras. You name it. We will humiliate him big time.’
Just then the telephone rang.
President Cod, said, ‘Excuse me the telephone is ringing.’
Inspectoress Telephone said, ‘No I am not.’
President Cod replied, ‘No I was talking about my telephone on the desk.’
Just then Inspectoress Telephone thought she was being ordered to get on the desk, so she got on the desk, and started dancing.
President Cod commented, ‘I meant my telephone was ringing, not for you to get on the desk.’
Julian Forest joked, ‘I suppose embarrassing incidents when people confuse your name with the actual telephone happen all the time. This is mountlarious, not just hilarious, but mountlarious.’
Inspectoress Telephone replied, ‘Yes they do actually. But I suppose that is the problem with having such an unusual, but modern name.’
Chapter Seven - The Boom Boom Time.
I was in my ever expanding mansion with my butlers, maids, and bodyguards. I had even bought a tank for the mansion to protect me.
My most trusted butler Hewitt walked into the room, then I commented, ‘Hello poo poo head. You smell like poo.’
The rest of the people in the room laughed and commented on again how I noticed the smell before everyone else.
I decided I needed to go outside to my expensive luxury car, to cruise around the town. My car was manufactured by the best car makers in the world. It was the fastest of the luxurious cars. It had a bed, a sofa, two sun roofs, luxury TV, radio and access to the internet. As well as an ejector seat for the driver.
I decided to drive the car myself. I really needed to.
I got into the car, and took my keys out to put them into the ignition. Just then there was a loud boom. The loudest sound you would have heard from inside a car.
Yes, that was it. The government had got back at me.
Chapter Nine - The Shocking Truth Revealed.
You see the boom was the sound of me farting, and creating a terrible smell in the car, then when I thought no one could hear me I laughed and said, ‘I am the real poo poo head. I have created the smell to every place I go, and then I blame it on everyone else. He who dealt it, smelt it. The reason I smell terrible smells, when I meet people, is because I am farting silently, and then blaming the smell on everyone else. And no one will ever know. I am a criminal mastermind, a genius of evil.’
But to my horror, this was my end, because Nicola Cod had planted hidden cameras in my car with smell meters, and sound recording, and what I had just said and wafted went out across the internet, to every corner of the globe.
Now everyone knew the truth.
Within minutes newscasters all over the world were reporting that I was the real poo poo head.
Nicola Cod made an announcement live from the Rectangle Office announcing that, ‘My secret intelligent agents saw a threat to national security, and decided to act. We realised that Sir Tom Iron Duke was the real poo poo head. That his empire had been built on a lie where he claimed that other people smelled terrible, when in reality he smelled terrible. He pretended that he was the voice of normality, when he called other people poo poo head, when he knew he was the real poo poo head.’
Well Nicola Cod had defeated me. My corrupt empire crumbled within seconds as all my employees decided they could no longer work for someone so hypocritical and lying. Their entire faith in me had been based on the idea that I called other people poo poo head, now they knew I was the poo poo head.
Aled, Jason, and John were sent to prison for working with me.
Every property, car and possession I had was taken away from me. I was, by community pay back orders, to visit the library where I would boast to readers in the library, of the life I had lived, but then they would laugh at me and tell me I was a poo poo head and smelled terrible.
My knighthood was taken away from me.
I remember talking about how criminals nowadays were nothing, they were just hicks, who thought they were tough, but were nothing to me in my prime when I ruled the land with a tongue of fear. The things I did to the people in power were everything, and the crimes they did nowadays were nothing. No one could every take away from me what a master criminal I had been. I had ruled the land, and it took all the actions of the state to take me down.
You see who is the real poo poo head them, or me? Will anyone ever know?