Saturday November 12 transcript for NON
|Just write. As if I knew what I'm supposed to write. I am told "Just write."
But I want to know. You know, I'm not sure I just want to dump stuff onto a page without knowing what comes next. But that's what I'm being expected to do. Just write it all out.
That's fine in theory, but what exactly am I letting out? Will I like it? Hate it? Recognize it? I don't know. There is no knowing, really. Life continues, it moves forward, and we can plan what we want to come next, but there is no knowing.
I guess what it comes down to is trust. I have to trust that .His voice is nt only the one telling me to write, but guiding what comes out when I do. It's a bit unnerving, this kind of trust, but not actually difficult(Reading my handwriting, now that's difficult!). I like to write, so being prompted to do something I enjoy meets with token resistance. It's easy to acquiesce when there's no hardship involved.But what about when we don't want to? That's a real problem for me.
Obedience is often uncomfortable, inconvenient, or both. I resist giving up my comfort and convenience, even if it is the best choice.
He told me one time to go down the street to my neighbor and apologize to her for my bad attitude toward her. I couldn't believe it. Apologize to her? I barely liked her. She wasn't especially pleasant to me, and I had tried to be nice to her. Her child was demanding and out of control and needed much more supervision. My children were suffering at her hands. Yet, I was expected---no, told---no commanded---to apologize to her.
I did not want to. I argued. I pleaded. I didn't want to humble myself in front of this neighbor. Ever.
I finally capitulated and walked down the street, hesitated, then knocked on the door. I stood there, embarrassed I was doing this, nervous of her reaction, and ashamed that the correction was necessary. I waited for her to come to the door, then I knocked again. After several attempts at knocking, I realized the house was empty.
I went home. That was what God wanted from me---to go and do that whether I wanted to or not. He wanted my obedience, not my humiliation. He wanted to correct me, not shame me. God wanted to cleanse me of my poisonous attitude, not damage my willingness to listen to Him.
I never went back. God required me to go down to her house then, willing to humble myself and apologize. He did not require me to actually carry it out. The willingness was forced, but it was real.
And that was the lesson. Be willing. Willingness is key to obedience, to humility, to service, and to love.
I'd like to say that every time I resist, I remember that lesson and submit, but I don't. I still fight, still resist, still pout and whine. But little by little, I get better at doing what He wants.
And that's the point. If God wants it, it's good for us, it makes us closer to who He wants us to be. We may be asked to do things we don't like, but only because it does something to improve us. And all He wants is to love us. Why do I refuse this and refuse His love? Is it really worth it?