Loss

I am watching his lips move, hearing sounds from his throat yet I can’t concentrate on what he is saying. Trying hard to refrain from a simply stare but to show emotion as if I comprehend and care about this talk. Instead I am lost in my own thoughts.

There was a time when everything he did commanded my absolute attention. Even the slightest hint of a need or desire had me stop in my tracks to serve him. My career meant nothing, my marriage became secondary, even that nebulous “me” disappeared when he called.

Initially, he didn’t realize the power he had over me but slowly he used it. He began to understand that his smile was a drug to me and withholding that symbol of happiness, made me obsessive and desperate. As he grew in age, he grew in venom. Destroying me bit-by-bit, lie-by-lie. It became unbearable as I tried to get back to the age of love, innocence and happiness. Instead I used tears to speak to his softer side. I used angry yells to get him to submit. I appealed to logic, even tried bribes but somehow I had lost. At the point of hopelessness and despair, I would submit and accept the inevitability of the end. Precisely at that moment, he would share a bit of light – an honest smile, a loving look, even a hug and just like that I would open myself for more abuse.

Now I continue to watch him speak with a glimmer of hope that he will bring us back to those blissful days and with a head full of dread; wishing for authenticity and love, dreading manipulation and need.