|Truth or Lie
Does my bottom look big in this? She asks while stretching her neck awkwardly trying to view her rather large rear from over her right shoulder. Sorry what did you say I quizzed pretending not to have heard knowing I need more time, more time to think as the answer requires or should I say ‘the right answer’ requires a great amount of thought before answering, one stupid comment could change my life forever, not to sound too dramatic but one slip of the tongue can mean the difference between having a happy life and one of complete misery. “My bottom, does it look big in this dress” again she enquires while running both her hands over her rather inflated buttocks trying to smooth out the material while believing as if by magic her delusional efforts can make cellulite disappear.
Now the sentence that leaves my mouth in the next 30 seconds has the ability to make everyone in the family happy but if handled without due care and attention it also has the ability to have a significant effect on the family’s wellbeing especially my own. The question is do I tell the truth or do I lie? Although the truth may hurt surely it’s better than lying which is something I have always told my children and I would hate to think they thought I was a hypocrite but I’m sure they would be suitably impressed if I was to consider the feelings of another human being, surely there is room in life for a well-orchestrated little white lie. I suppose the answer to my own question is what is the definition of big? At what point does big turn into huge or worse still massive surely it all depends on what you are comparing ‘big’ to. For example someone who has a big heart is welcomed were someone who has a massive ego is not and I am unsure to where along the scale a big bottom fits. (If you pardon the expression)
Could there be a compromise? Could I avoid a direct response by deflecting the question like a well drilled Ninja? If I shifted the blame from the size of my true loves torso and her inability to slip comfortably into her new purchased garment and onto the incompetent dressmaking skills of the juvenile ‘Sweat Shop’ employees who have been working 20 hours a day for a few shillings while turning out obviously poorly labeled garments. Then I’m sure my true loves demise can be explained away by the size 10 label attached to her new acquisition being a misrepresentation of the dresses actual size which without the help of a shoe horn could never accommodate her perfectly formed and maintained derriere’
After all humans and especially married men are programmed to survive it’s built in to our psyche, thousands of years of hunting and gathering have taught us that survival is our primary goal so a few sacrifices may have to be made to assure the continuous march of mankind and the throwing of a few slaved underprivileged Asian kids into the jaws of my wife’s anger is a small price to pay for my sanity.