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Rated: E · Column · Political · #2111069
A satirical mirrored view of Trump's wall as it could work along our northern border
According to the Pew Research Center, the illegal immigrant population from Mexico in the United States declined by over 1 million people since 2007 due to stricter enforcement of illegal immigration and rising relative wages in Mexico. With that being the case, why not just beef up what's already working and shift our attention to the three times longer border with Canada and stop their silent war with America.
Most famously, Canada infected happily paying Americans with a desire for free health care. This is now clearly out of hand, with a rising demand among Americans for a similar system, but with faster service and free narcotics. None of this would have been necessary if Canadians hadn't been coming down here on vacation for years, all the while bragging that their healthcare system is so great that people get sick on purpose and cut off their own limbs just to enjoy using it.
It is the Canadians who caused our alcohol problems in America. With the northern half of their country frozen solid from September to June, there is nothing to do, as they wait in their igloos for summer, but drink. The highest alcohol content of their beverages is a whopping 6.1%, which they claim is necessary for increased body warmth, while ours is a mere 5.9%. Once they began exporting Canadian beverages to the U.S., where we don't need body warmth, we were doomed.
Canada is also responsible for increasing American death rates arising from our addiction to pancakes, maple syrup and bacon, all invented by Canadians. Over the years they have quietly built endless chains of pancake houses throughout America where these deadly foods are consumed by the metric ton at each table each day. Canadian-owned pancake houses are probably the leading cause of death in America, while there are no pancake houses in Canada, where they are illegal. As more Americans are killed off through overconsumption of carbohydrates, fat and alcohol, the more the property they crave will become available for them to purchase. If you look at a map of Canada, you'll understand their craving for land, since they clearly have so little of it, and what they have is so overpopulated.
Rather than the expense of a 5,500-mile wall, we could help our entrepreneurs build an endless line of tacky tourist stops and waffle houses along the border, creating untold numbers of American jobs. Canadians can't resist cheap tourist mementos from America, and since they don't have pancakes in Canada, they would be sitting ducks for waffles. By the time they got halfway through our wall of border shops, they would be stuffed with waffles, and their cars would be overflowing with our products. It would be pointless to travel further south in search of more souvenirs, and we would be safe.
And Canada would have paid for all of it.

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