by John S
Want to get published? Try changing your name.
There it was staring me right in the freaking face. The answer to my many years of struggle as a writer had been right in front of me for years and I hadn’t seen it until today. Every morning as I sat with my coffee and turned on my computer for the news of the day it was there hiding in plain sight. There were the usual headlines blaring that today was definitely the day Trump would be impeached, because of whatever. The articles would have more legitimacy if the same writers hadn’t been writing the same drivel everyday for a year now. There between quotes from noted nut-job Maxine Walters were just as many articles that had the name Kardashian attached. I have to admit I’d been ignoring these articles for the longest time because I didn’t know exactly what a Kardashian did. One of the daughters, the one that looked like the milkman and didn’t resemble the rest had a pimple on her gigantic ass and it might turn out to be terminal. Got to have that drama.
I read a few of the articles and even made it through about 10 minutes of their TV show that was advertised in the articles and I still don’t know what they do. Maybe I’m too dumb to see what all the hoopla is about. I do see an opportunity to get my writing career out of hell though. Meet Johnny Kardashian, clarity is a beautiful thing. Of course, my relatives will disown me and my ancestors will be doing cartwheels in their graves but a man got to do what a man has to do.
The mechanics of this name change did raise some questions. Should I legally change my name to Johnny Kardashian or use it as a nom-de-plume. I read somewhere that years ago Stephen King used a fake name because his publisher thought he had too many books in circulation. James Patterson’s publisher doesn’t see the same problem. The guy publishes about ten books a week and they’re all good.
It appears to me that the mother of these woman was some kind of marketing genius. The daughters spent their days and nights dating NBA stars and rappers. They show up at events dressed like hookers and the magazines and papers can’t get enough of them. When ratings go down they know how to get them back up there. Poor Bruce Jenner, a man who has actually accomplished something in his life, sometimes gets caught up in all the craziness. He is married to the genius mother and sometimes has to take one for the family.
When ratings for their TV show tanked someone, I believe it was the mother, came up with the brilliant idea of cutting off her husband’s dick. I know it sounds crazy but that’s what happened. I can see the meeting with the TV executives now. The mother and all her daughters sitting at the board-room table across from the producers of their show.
“So, any ideas on how to get these ratings up ladies?” No. 1 executive asks.
“I think I have a solution.” The mother states. “I propose we cut off my husband’s penis and turn him into a woman.”
The four executives sit there in stunned silence. If anyone but the Kardashians were sitting across from them they might think it was a joke. No 1 asks, “Are you serious?”
The mother looks at him like he’s crazy, “Of course, why would I kid about my daughter’s future?”
No1 asks, “and how does Bruce feel about this?”
“I haven’t asked him yet. I could call him in I think he’s in the lobby, probably doing push-ups or something.”
The unsuspecting Olympic hero walks in and takes a seat. He smiles and says hello to all at the table. His wife wastes no time and tells him what has been decided about his genitalia. Bruce responds, “You want to cut off what?” It’s decided by a family vote. All jewel covered arms are raised to vote yes and Mr. Jenner will now be known as Ms. Jenner.
A word of advice for Mr. Jenner who seems to be a decent guy, even though he killed a woman with his car, please get the hell out of there. What will these women want to lop off next when the ratings go down? It might be an arm a leg or a vital organ of some kind.
So, I call my lawyer to ask about my name change. He’s not really my lawyer, not like rich guys have a lawyer, he represented me for a DWI last year and got me off with probation. He refuses to give me any advice, screaming something about me not paying his bill for the DWI. When I tell him about how I will become rich and famous with my name change he calls me a nut and hangs up. Just for that I won’t pay his bill even when I have the money.
Next, I call my agent she hasn’t sold either of my books in the three years she has represented me so she won’t take my call. I leave a message and she gets back to me three days later. Doris, the agent, tells me how busy she is with her very successful clients and tries to squeeze me in when possible. I thank her for returning my call when I really want to tell her to kiss my Irish ass. I pitch my idea to her and can’t believe it when she tells me I might be on to something. She says the best seller lists are full of celebrity ghost written garbage. A name might just sell books. We talk for at least an hour, that’s longer than all our previous conversations combined. We agree that with the name change we should also change the title of my first book. After some discussion we agree that instead of The Summer of Felix and Lou the new title will be The Summer of My Huge Fat Ass.
Doris called early the following day. Three big deal publishing houses were suddenly interested in my book. Of course, no one from these houses had read the book but it had that magic name attached. I got a nice deal and Doris got a good commission. Times were good. My next book did even better. I was asked to do many interviews, but I knew I couldn’t. As soon as an interviewer asked me how I was related to the real Kardashian clan I would be finished. I was half expecting to hear from the Kardashians by lawsuit. I never did.
The accolades were becoming a bit embarrassing, the more I refused to do any advertising for my books the better the reviews. The Times called me “The Hemingway of the Buttocks”. Amazon advertised my books by calling me the James Joyce of Junk in the Trunk. The whole thing was exhausting. The checks keep coming to this day. I’m rich and almost famous.
Instead of continuing with the Kardashian scam I started writing under my real name. I’ve had some success but nothing compared to what I had, but at least I can sleep at night.