Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's Day! I miss you so much! They said I could write all the letters I want but you would never receive them. I said I'd deliver it to you myself but all they said was, "Well, you can try. "Of course I can! But anyway, how are you? I miss you so very very much! How are the kids? Has Simon been doing fine in school? I heard he got into a fight? He was a bit of a handful when he was younger. I can only count on you, Sarah, please watch our kids! Oh, how about Sam? She doing good? I heard from her teachers that she's top student in class. I'm sure she's gonna be valedictorian. Speaking of which, her graduation's coming up, right? I can't wait. How about the neighborhood--still quiet, huh? I heard it got quieter last week. Ms. Evans, the grocery store owner died in her sleep, her son told me. I still remember her when I was just a kid. Still, 89 years. What a life she must've lived. Hmmm, I miss her.
God, I miss home. I miss you. I miss the kids. I miss wrapping you in my arms as we slowly drift to sleep in bed, when we suddenly wake up at the same time and smile at each other, look into each other's eyes. I miss the kids, back then when they were just 3 feet tall. They'd always cling to us when the thunder roared, and they never wanted to leave our side. Now, they're going to leave us and start to live their life--much like how we lived our life. I miss everything there. I really miss you. I miss you so much. I miss you so very very much. I can't stress it enough, I can't help it. Ditto, I hope you still remember that Ghost reference. Sometimes I go between staying home and going abroad. Sure, it was two years ago; I know I made the right choice but, I still go back. But I do this for our family. And I don't want you to cry again like I am crying now. It's just that--I just miss you so much. When I deliver this to you, I just want to see your face again.
Well, I don't want to cry all night. In its upsides, America's pretty great. Practically, all that sayings about how great America is generally true. The firm I work in gives me those big checks I send to you and the kids so that's nice. My friends at work are nice; some of them suffer the same problem I have. We all miss home. The economy is better than back home, and overall, it's just great. Everything's just great. Well . . . maybe not everything.
Sarah, I have to tell you something. I did something. I thought it was a good idea; it was practically spontaneous, what I did. But I suffered the consequences of my actions. I . . . it all just happened so fast, I couldn't--I didn't have time to think. Before I tell you, I just want you to know, Ditto. Please remember what it means. You may never forgive me for what I did. It happened today, at noon. I went to the bank. You know me and my stupid decisions. I'm just so sorry. But I went in line, and when I was already in front of the desk, I felt tense. The banker behind the desk asked me my transaction, but I couldn't answer him. Then suddenly, a pull of a gun out of nowhere. Everyone screamed and backed away from me. The banker widened his eyes and raised his arms. I was paralyzed. My eyes slowly shifted to the right, and my head turned. A gun was aimed at the banker, right beside me.
I was terrified. A robbery! Someone could die! It was--everything happened so fast. I couldn't let someone die. I grabbed the robber's hand and he jerked around. The guard near the entrance aimed his gun at the robber but there were too many people near us. The guard moved a bit closer, slowly, I could tell he was afraid. Then--one thing led to another and I heard two shots. We both fell to the floor. I couldn't breathe. My eyes were tearing up, my vision was becoming blurry; the noise of the people was beginning to fade. Then I saw our house, the kids, I saw them running around outside playing in the street. And I felt that longing . . . Oh god do I miss them. And then I saw you. I saw you. My last sight was that I saw you. And I miss you so much. I miss you so very very much. I was reckless, I was stupid. I wasn't thinking! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Now I can never go home. I can never see you, the kids, everyone. I'm sorry I won't be there at the parents' conference with Simon. I'm sorry I won't be there for Sam's graduation. I'm sorry, I won't be there for their weddings, become a grandfather, and look into my grandchildren's eyes for the first time. I'm sorry I was stupid. So stupid.
But I'm sorry, most of all, that I didn't even say goodbye. And I still can't say goodbye. They won't let me give this letter to you. They said I could write all I want but you would never receive anything. You'll be left clueless, wondering, where I am now. I am here! I am here with you. I will always be with you, Sarah! Always. And I miss you. I miss you so very very much. And it breaks my heart knowing that you'll never read this. I'm sorry, Sarah.
Thank you for everything.
Still, 42 years. What a life I've lived.
Yours forever truly,