I NEED TO SURVIVE.
The phrase that I always told myself whenever I'm tired, giving up and thought of dying. The phrase that really inspired me to strive hard and still hold on to a little hope that still exists in my heart and mind. The phrase that lifts me up and brings me back to reality that this is the essence of life, struggles, and I just have to pass all of these things and everything would be fine.
But it happened one time...when every time I try to close my exhausted eyes I can't see anything but darkness. No light, no hope. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of believing. I'm tired of hoping for something to happen when as I know there's none anymore. At first, I'm drowning but now... I'm DROWNED. I don't want to strive anymore. I don't want to survive. I want to die.
As the deep water of life's challenges was pulling me deeper and deeper, as I was slowly closing my eyes watching the diminishing light above this blue ocean, darkness slowly covers me and cold, cold, cold feelings were entering my whole body. NO! I don't want to. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to see this horror world again. NO!
The world is evil. Everything in it. Never will I live in there again!
Those things flashed back in my mind, the joy, the pain, the laughter, the hurt - blessings - love - consequences - THE CHANCE. I remember how I am saved. It's not by my own strength, not by my own will, not by my own might but by His life! SELFISHNESS...SELF! - is the reason why I'm drowned. I strive for myself. I aimed by myself. Have you ever asked Him, "why me?", "why this?"?...but, it's not Him but ourselves, it's not Him but my own will.
I still closed my eyes and refused to open it, not because I still want to get drowned but because I'm guilty and I don't have any courage to face Him.
A scene gradually flashed. A father crying, hugging his child and patting his/her head, saying, "My child, I love you, and I will always love you. I love you more than you can imagine. I've always cared for you even in those moments when you want to do things on your own, you never listened to me. I still care for you even if you never remember me and never honored me as your father. I know what's best for you. TRUST ME."
My heart was crumpled and tears run down in my face, as I hugged Him and feel assured on the warmth of his arms. I tried to open my eyes and I saw a sky so clear and the sunlight kisses my cheeks. A new hope. New CHANCE. New journey ahead.
I NEED TO SURVIVE.
But this time, not for my own, not for anyone else but for Him. For His life to be revealed. For his chance to be glorified. For Him to be praised. For the hope he gave. FOR HIS LOVE THAT NEVER FAILS.