|Being alone and feeling loneliness are two different things. I am used to being alone. Spending time with myself, my thoughts, my feelings. Until today, it's been a long time since I've felt alone. The feeling of not having anyone to turn to, no one to talk things through, no one that can understand how you're feeling.
It's odd that humans can be so disconnected from each other. How is it that you can feel one thing and know one thing, but are unable to fully portray it? We can only assume how someone feels or thinks. There's no truth that can be uncovered unless everyone is there in that moment. Perhaps that's why the saying, "If I could be a fly on the wall..." is so popular.
Even then, the truth is what each person perceives and feels in that moment. I may think that what I am seeing and feeling is comedic where-as the other person in that same moment may view the same thing as something completely different. I suppose that's how "misunderstandings" happen?
There are days when I laugh at the thought of love. Perhaps growing up on fairy tales made me believe that love was magical and forever. My mother loved my father. He passed away when I was young and she never remarried. I know that she still thinks of him often, and I hope that when it is her time, he will be there to welcome her.
I always thought that perhaps I would be lucky enough to find a love like that. However, sometimes I do look at her though and wonder if she feels that loneliness that I am now feeling. Would she be happier if she had remarried? Or even dated after my father passed away?
I don't think that's the kind of life that I could live with. I admire my mother for her choices, but they are not mine. I know that I need and require someone to feel close to, share my inner thoughts with. I need that connection.
Love however is complicated. Two people can love each other, but not feel loved by one another. Shouldn't love be simple? I love you, you love me - we are happy. That kind of simple? Yet every day we find ourselves questioning if the other person truly loves us. We ask ourselves, what can I do to make the other person understand?
Talking seems to go nowhere. If changes do happen, they are short term and old habits quickly come back. How do you make love last? How do you make these changes stay? How do you make someone understand how much you care and love them so that they no longer question it?
How do I get myself out of this loneliness? I guess tonight these are the things that I will contemplate, knowing that I most likely won't find an answer for them. Tonight, loneliness will be my guest. I won't be alone, but I will continue to feel that loneliness.