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Rated: E · Script/Play · Comedy · #2118636
Where does he come from and who does He believe in? All the answers are here!
The scene: A live interview is about to take place in a studio at a radio station. The announcer, Sandy McFab, introduces his guest.

Sandy McFab: "Hi everyone, welcome to the Science Show. Tonight we have a very special guest who we hope will clear up some questions that humankind has been pondering for thousands of years. My guest has quite an impressive CV - he claims to have created the Heavens and the Earth. Thanks for coming...ummm...God - it feels a bit blasphemous calling you that - I do hope it's OK!"

God: (American accent) "No prob! But you can call me George if it makes you feel better. I quite like George."

Sandy McFab: "Well.. um, God, er … George, I really appreciate you coming here tonight because we all know you don't make many public appearances."

God: "It's true, I am a bit of a recluse these days, but now I'm here. Hi everyone! God save America!"

Sandy McFab: "Uh...what did you say?"

God: "God save America? It's just a political joke I thought you would like! I was taking off that other George – Bush! I miss him, oh my God, he took himself so seriously - made me laugh."

Sandy McFab: "But, that was not what I meant. It was the way you referred to 'God', as if he was someone else!"

God: "Did you think I was an atheist? I have beliefs, you know, just like you!"

Sandy McFab: "Wow! While I'm trying to get my head around that, you've brought me to one of the things I wanted to ask you, where did you come from?"

God: "Most people seem to think I suddenly popped up, fully formed, out of nowhere. But nothing does that. I evolved, just like you did, over Earth-shaking eons of time."

Sandy McFab: "You mean you're an Evolutionist - not a Creationist? Wow! What a scoop for the Science Show!"

God: "Yes, but let's sort something out here - everyone's creative, not just me! Creationists are just neurotically attached to the idea of a single creator - it's a coping mechanism to make them feel safer. They're the kind of people who need to believe that someone big and strong, who is in charge of everything, is on their side! Look, I'm just another ordinary guy like you. You created this interview situation, I created the Heavens and the Earth in a nifty little trick called the Big Bang. It's the same thing - the only difference is in scale."

Sandy McFab: "So it was the Big Bang! Wow!"

God: "It was nothing really - just a lab experiment that backfired, so to speak, and blew a hole in the wall. You might call it a black hole."

Sandy McFab: "You mean...the universe was an accident? It blew out of a hole in a wall? This is mind-boggling! It would mean your 'lab' is in a black hole at the center of the Universe!"

God: "Yeah! We patched it up again, but there's a lot of smoke hanging around and it smells pretty bad. The Dean was pretty upset about it!"

Sandy McFab: "Huh? What do you mean? We? The Dean?"

God: "The other guys. We're all doing research in the evolutionary sciences at Harvard!"

Sandy McFab: "That's impossible - it would mean, your lab's both at the center of the universe and at Harvard Uni."

God: "The Dean of Harvard hasn't a problem with that, just with students blowing holes in walls. Anyway, the universe is infinite, so everything is at the centre."

Sandy McFab: "I don't get it!"

God: "Don't get what?"

Sandy McFab: "The spacial contradictions in what you are saying!"

God: "It's simple if you take space out of the question! Space is an illusion created by consciousness, just like time is. You think you are always looking out into the universe, but your consciousness is actually seeing both in and out at the same time. In other words, there is no difference between 'in' (the world of your perceptions and imagination) and 'out' (the visible universe). Or, you could also say that there is no difference between objective reality and your own subjective inner representations of it. Dualism is a trick of mental geometry, a spacial illusion! Objective, subjective - it's all the same!"

Sandy McFab: "I find that hard to believe."

God: "Hey, I'm God! Trust me! There is only consciousness, nothing else, but because consciousness is projective it creates its own object, and at the same time its own inner representation of that object and suddenly you think you have two different realities, inner and outer, when the truth is there is only one reality, one unity of everything."

Sandy McFab: "So spacial dimensions are just a trick of consciousness. But what about matter?"

God: "Matter is just energy - nothing else. So is consciousness - they are the same thing!"

Sandy McFab: "Matter and consciousness are the same?"

God: "Yep! The distinction between the two is an illusion created by consciousness to give itself somewhere to 'be'. Consciousness needs a sense of place in order to locate itself. Let me explain how the universe started, then you will understand! The explosion you call the Big Bang was an expansion of consciousness rather than matter. You see, my lab and the universe are the same thing - in reality there is no wall."

Sandy McFab: "So...wouldn't that necessarily mean that everything...everyone...even you and I... are the same?"

God: "Yeah...simple isn't it! There is only consciousness, nothing else! Consciousness is the great magician and creator of illusions! I mean, why are you so surprised? Recent developments in Genetics are telling you much the same thing - humans are only 0.1% different from one another, and even that difference is illusory because that 0.1% overlaps everyone else in the gene pool. Laps in the gene pool! Hey, that's good! (Laughs at his own joke). Even individual personality is an illusion if you get down to the hard reality that what you are is what you do! There is no significant difference between any of you! 0.1% difference and you talk of individualism? It's a scam! Think about it - there is no real difference between feelings and thoughts and the actions that arise from them, they are the inner and outer manifestations of the same thing. If you humans were all so different you would all be doing wildly different things. But hey, guess what, you humans repeat the substance of each other's lives endlessly! You are all driven to the same range of actions by the same emotions and thoughts, so all languages and cultures demonstrate this by being fundamentally the same. The fashion industry shows that you even desire sameness. It's sameness that allows you to predict one another's thoughts and actions with a fair degree of accuracy."

Sandy McFab: "But...why....?"

God: "Why what?"

Sandy McFab: "What's the point? Why have consciousness?"

God: "It's fun!"

Sandy McFab: "Fun? Who for?"

God: "Me!"

Sandy McFab: "You?"

God: "Yeah - I'm God remember! I need to have fun, otherwise, what would be the point of existing? Ever read Camus? I got the idea from him - I wake up every morning and think, will I end it all today? Every day, so far, I've chosen to let it continue! Why? Because it's less boring to do that!"

Sandy McFab: "Now you're being silly - come on, tell me why! This is the Science Show, remember, not the Philosopher's Zone - it's a serious program!"

God: "OK! I'll be serious. From the Big Bang on consciousness simply evolved. There is no meaning in it at all - it has simply been naturally selected. This is because it allows you to reflect on yourself and your world and to better organise your life and, in this way, confers a survival advantage. You should have seen the state of my lab before I became conscious! It was a bit like the state of your world today! You humans might all be consciously conscious, but that often manifests itself in egotism and neuroticism! You could do with some unconscious consciousness around here! That's the kind of consciousness you have without even realising it.”

Sandy McFab: "But what did it evolve from? Nothing comes from nothing! You must have had it first. Where did you get it from? That's what I don't get."

God: "You're making it much more than it is - it's no big deal! Because you humans have self-reflective consciousness you think you have a monopoly on consciousness! But everything has consciousness to varying degrees. Trees are conscious of gravity and light. An animal is conscious of its hunger or pain and the more conscious it is the more that will advantage its survival, so the more conscious an individual is the more likely it is to reproduce - that's how consciousness evolved, automatically. The thing about consciousness is that its naturally self-reflexive - there is no difference between the contents of consciousness and self-consciousness because consciousness is the experience of self. So while an animal's experience of self might be limited to hunger and pain in the present moment, a human's is more evolved in that it can span through time by means of imagination and memory. Mind you, that creates most human problems!"

Sandy McFab: "Consciousness spans through time? That must be the link between consciousness and spacial dimension, space-time?"

God: "Yes, very good! Spacial dimension is a product of one's consciousness of time and this is only contingent on one's capacity to imagine. Humans are better at imagining than other animals, which mostly are aware only of the present moment. Imagination allows abstract thinking and this is the key to human reproductive success because it allows you to better predict and prepare for what comes next. It also gives you the capacity for logical thinking. Mind you, in the long run, none of this may be any advantage at all - evolutionary advantage only ever has meaning in terms of present environmental conditions and because reproductive success has created serious overpopulation which is seriously affecting environmental conditions. You only need to look at anthropogenic global warming to see that!"

Sandy McFab: "But...doesn't the existence of environment contradict what you said before...that there is no such thing as inner and outer...no such thing as space!"

God: "It might seem to, but remember, this is all imaginary! These are simply mental constructs that have been naturally selected because they have aided survival. Consciousness of the past is called memory, and consciousness of the future is called imagination, but both of those are illusory states. Only the present moment of living consciousness really exists – well, more or less!"

Sandy McFab: "I don't get it, any of it, where are we?"

God: "Sitting here in your studio at your ratio station talking on the Science Show."

Sandy McFab: "Don't be smart!"

God: "No! That's it! No-where - everywhere - it's all relative - it simply doesn't matter! Don't you get it? It doesn't need an explanation, all you need to do is experience it, to experience yourself, to experience your consciousness! That is the only shred of meaning in existence! Don't get stuck in the mental constructs that form around the past and the future - that will pull you away from living in the moment and make you anxious and neurotic! Enjoy your senses in the here and now! Roll in the grass! Climb a tree! Make love! Go fishing! Existence is consciousness. You exist therefore you are conscious. You are conscious therefore you exist. This reason is sufficient in itself and doesn't require any further explanation! Consciousness is self-reflexive! The universe exists because of consciousness - the universe is consciousness - you are consciousness - you are the universe - you are Me!"

Sandy McFab: "I am You? Wow! I must say that extraordinary thought does make me feel a little more important! (aside to the audience) Hmmm - might be time to review my contract with the ABC! (to God) Unfortunately I have to wind up now because we are nearly out of time, but I want to thank you...err...me... for coming in and clearing up some of those difficult questions!"

God: "You're welcome! It's been a pleasure - I've enjoyed our talk!"

Sandy McFab: "Will you come back and talk to us again?"

God: "A second coming? Hmmm ... the question's been asked before, I'll think about it!" (Fades and disappears with an ambiguous, smile)

Sandy McFab: "Well, that was enlightening! Thank you, and good-night listeners. Next week we will be interviewing Richard Dawkins who has shown that the probability of God’s, existence is actually infinitessimal! That should be interesting. This is Sandy McFab signing off from this weeks improbable Science Show!"

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