Satirical Essay concerning Trump's plan for a border wall.
We Need To Grow a Hedge
NOGALES, AZ - It may sound shocking, but the same mundane, garden hedge that sits on the borders of many middle-American homes could become the United States’ number one security asset. Cameras, long range microphones, and even the small and deficient organization known as the Department of Homeland Security contribute almost nothing to real security threat facing this nation: the Mexican-American border. As President Donald J. Trump put it, “When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have lots of problems. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists.” While our great leader is completely and unabatedly correct, it is important to note that the Mexican people are great at producing things for us to buy at a very, very, cheap price. Believe me. I probably know better than you do. So, to ensure this symbiotic relationship continues, we should do the neighborly thing, and grow a massive, massive hedge.
Hedges can do great, great things for the environment. According to the EPA head, Lisa P. Jackson, “Border hedges could help plant life eliminate the CO2 that is warming our planet. If such a hedge were grown, I would advise the president in selecting the right kind of hedge to grow. In my mind, the perfect hedge is one that will suck out as much carbon from the atmosphere at the quickest rate, and a hedge that consumes a ton of fresh water, that way the green wall will have a sort of ‘hedge’ against the desert heat.” In other words, when liberal crybabies come and say that the hedge is “racist,” or “dehumanizing and degrading to people,” or “terrible for Mexican-American relations,” we can just throw their tree-huggin’ and party-poopin’ “environmentalism” right back in their face.
If you have ever been near the border, one thought enters your mind: you wish you weren’t. Whoever designed the place (probably Mexico when they had it before we gladly and graciously accepted it from them) didn’t do it very well. The aesthetics are downright terrible. Sad! There are no contrasting colors: just yellow with brown mixed in and brown with yellow mixed in. According to Daily Mail’s National Garden Competition winner Tim Sharples, it can be described as a landscape that “leaves a lot to be desired. If I lived there, I would desert the place.” The whole area, according to Sharples, “just exists in a permanent vanilla-ice-cream-purgatory: it’s just a plain dessert.” When asked whether or not a hedge would liven the place up, Tim exclaimed, “Of course! Of course it would. We British love a good hedge! I’m sure Nigel Farage would love to give his good friend Donald advice on how to grow an extraordinary hedge in that sandy and frankly, irritating place.” The hedge would benefit the southern border big league.
With the economy booming due to our great leader’s promises of lower taxes and his general godly influence on consumer spending, now is the time to use the government’s power to produce better things than healthcare and a strengthened education system. The U.S. of A should be focused on growing the proposed massive 2,500 mile long hedge to keep out those who wish to do us great harm. While many would suggest that a wall is far sturdier and withstanding than a hedge, I would say otherwise. According to Stanford University professor Dennis Bird, “Stone and granite erode with time due to wind, rain, or biological destruction. I’m sure a wall would behave the same way.” While most of the time we at the “Donald Trump is the Best Ever and Better than the New York Times Times” don’t listen to FAKE, PHONY environmentally concerned scientists, this time we will make an exception. Walls can wear away. Hedges, however, never crumble into rubble or require extensive engineering to place. Hedges grow. They grow fast, and trust us, we know. Probably better than Tim Sharples does. Hedges can grow incredibly quickly, whereas walls never grow and are harder to maintain. Hedges can grow indefinitely too. Can a wall grow “10 feet higher” whenever it wants? I don’t think so. Can a hedge? Given time, “hedge” yeah. We should grow a hedge on our southern border because a hedge is far superior to a wall due to the wall’s sad unnamed weaknesses and lack of supposed “stamina.”
Despite all of its problems, Mexico does have a bustling economy. Our southern neighbor has a GDP of 1.14 trillion dollars (lots of pesos), and seems to enjoy exporting products to our great and blessed country. This relationship between Mexican industry and American consumerism shouldn’t be tarnished by a bleak, concrete wall. As both good neighbors and happy customers, the American people should produce something that not only stops the less-than-productive neighbors from hurting us, while, at the same time, construct something that is inviting enough to send those metaphorical “neighborhood brownies” through. After all, hedges are the cornerstone of neighbor-to-neighbor relations. Hedges allow neighbors to bond and enjoy each other’s company while doing boring trimming. Nothing says “Buenos dias, vecino!” (or “Good morning, neighbor” in MAGA-speak) like a nice overgrown hedge.
Many of our brilliant, highly educated, God-fearing readers would probably point out that hedges don’t send the sort of message to those Mexicans that a concrete wall would. But believe us, the hedge that could be used over a border wall can be just as mean as it is pretty. According to B. D. Wong, the actor who plays Dr. Henry Wu, the head geneticist in Jurassic Park, “if I remember my script notes correctly, genetic engineering is pretty easy. Many times, the… umm... that’s right, D.N.A. from one animal or plant can easily be given to another animal. For a hedge, I think it would be completely plausible to copy John Wayne’s D.N.A and paste the D.N.A into the hedge’s core D.N.A., that way it would improve the overall security and strength of the plant. In that scenario, hedges are the ideal deterrent for illegal crossings. Think about it. Hedges are rooted, strong plants that are dense, sharp, and hard to climb on their own, and with John Wayne’s desert-fighting-D.N.A, who knows what could happen.” To add on to his theory, Wong suggested to the bioengineering community to research how they could add barbed wires to the equation. Hedges could be made into a far superior defensive asset over a wall because John Wayne could be constantly watching the border for you at all times.
Trump’s plan for a wall to span from the Gulf of Mexico to the Pacific Ocean isn’t enough to keep us safe from the dangers of illegal immigration. Instead, America should grow a green and flourishing hedge to ensure efficiency in protection while still maintaining a healthy relationship with our ally. Come here next week when we write about a sea-weed border security system.