An introduction

“Hello, peeps
I am Wies from the Netherlands
and I will be entertaining you for a few minutes.

I see you thinking… Wies, what’s that?
but no, it is Wie-s!
Translation from Dutch as in Who-s!
It’s a fake name, a pseudonym.
I won’t tell you my real name.
Because, well you know… that’s a secret.

So,
here I am standing before you.
A middle-aged woman with a strange name.
Is that funny?
No, I suppose not, but again… that’s a secret.
Being funny is actually a secret.
Yeah.
I mean, what’s there to laugh about?
No, really,
I mean… in this world today?
What’s there to laugh about?
Trump, maybe?
But he’s too scary to be funny.

So.
I can talk about tits and breasts.
Oh, yeah!
But that’s already been done by other female stand-up comedians.
It probably wouldn’t work with this audience.
No.
You being too smart.
Writers and all.
Smart people, you know.
Sophisticated people.
Not your ordinary folks.
No!

So,
I met this steady guy the other day.
On the Internet.
On one of those dating sites.
Yeah,
I thought: let’s try this!
I am alone, I want to date again.
Meet somebody nice.
Nice!
Because, well
it’s been too long, you know.
I haven’t had sex in years.
Yeah.
Now don’t be embarrassed.
I am not.
It’s been so long that everything is overgrown down there.
Really.
Up here as well, I wouldn’t know how to kiss.
It’s been that long!

But, anyway,
I met this regular guy on the Internet.
He is like: you’re a nice lady, let’s talk.
So I talk with him on the phone.
I don’t kiss, I don’t have sex, I just talk.
Yeah.
And it’s nice!
Really.
He’s like: you’ve got two eyes
You’ve got two ears
He’s like:
Hey, you with the nose
Let’s talk
Let’s get to know each other.
Yeah.
I’m like
Okay
This could work!

So I went on a date with him
And asked him to call me back
When he got home
Yeah
It’s been three weeks now
Yeah.

I think he must be homeless!!

Thank you!
Thank you all, so much!”

WC:361

Note ▼

Featured in "Comedy Newsletter (October 14, 2020)" 
Won Honorable Mention in "The Humorous Short Story Contest"  [18+]