Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2127060-Orange-Peanut
Rated: 18+ · Fiction · Comedy · #2127060
A charming story of two young men surviving an apocalypse of unknown power.

It was a crazy ass night at KFC. Everybody was trippin' out about the shortage of Chicken McShits. Lightning and rain struck, making it scary as hell since it was night time.
         "Nigga ass you best gimme my god-damn chicken!" Said some black thug man to the clerk.
         "Bitch, I told you there ain't no chicken fo yo wimp ass." Said the clerk back to the asshole.
They kept on fighting about dumb shit as me and Alex had a heart-attack milkshake, which was bursting with the flavor of grease and dirty socks.
         "This is fucking nasty man, what the fuck did you even buy this for?" Alex bitched after taking a sip.
         "Stop bitchin' asshole, they ran out of fuckin' bubblegum flavor you wanted." I beat his ass with a paddle.
         "Sorry man." He made his face lookin' like Snoopy's bored face.
After the confrontation, the asswipe nigga who wanted chicken stormed out into the storm. Ha, that's funny because he 'stormed' into a 'storm'. Anyway, he left his buddies and told them if they followed him, he would delete their Xbox profile. One guy, who was especially scared since he has 15000 Microsoft points saved up on the bitch, backed away. The mad nigga slammed the door and his buddies sighed then sat down across the table from us. We scooted over, in case they were gonna rob us, because ya know, they were black and all.
         "I'm gettin' sick of Jamal's shit." One nigga complained.
In unison, they all agreed, and one of them said somethin' about watermelon flavored kool-aid.
         "Let's go rob some bitch ass white folks." Said a particularly blacker man in the group.
         One of them looked at us and said "You heard about the white boy who got capped down at the tree?"
         I grabbed my cup and a bottle of ketchup. "No man, I didn't". I cautiously said.
         "Well," He dug in his jacket pocket. "His ass got shot nigga!" Pulling out a gun, he pointed it at Alex.
         I jumped into action and slammed the bottle of ketchup right into his fuckin' face. The shit got into his eyes and he dropped the gun. "Fuck!" He yelled. "I was fuckin' playin' goddamn shit croissant!"
         "Fuck you assholes!" I threw my cup at the other homies face and the ice flew onto the floor.
         As the niggas chased us, one slipped on the ice and landed straight on his ass. There was still three of them after us and we had to get the hell out of there.
         "No running in the store please." One of the janitors who sounded like Consuela from Family Guy asked politely.
         "Fuck." I said and sped walked through the rest of the McDonalds towards the doors. The nigga gang, who was also speed walking, kept saying 'fuck you' over and over. As I approached the door, a body flew through it.
         The grimy motherfucker looked like the one blackman who bitched about chicken. It would have been ok if he came back to get his asshole friends, but he jumped on top of me like a fag. I resisted it since I assumed he was being gay and wanted me in a 'more than friends' kinda way.
         "Get this faggot off of me!" I screamed.
         The nigga's friends ditched the place through the broken glass door, except for the one with ketchup in his face. Luckily, Alex grabbed a life-size statue of Ronald and threw it on the guy. Now, we knew what was going on. A war on porn. We had to get up north....


         Well fuck, we were wrong. It was a zombie apocalypse. But we could really give a fuck less. We got the hell out of there and ended up in a cave somewhere in the middle of the cold wilderness.
         "What the hell is we be havin' fo dinna white boy?" Said our bitchin' roomate, Wiz Kalifalioto, a dude who was somewhat related the Wiz Kalifa.
         Alex walked up and put his face a few inches in front of Wiz's. "Shut the fuck up." Alex whispered.
         It was surprising. I guess Alex had the balls to stand up to this asshole.
         "Wait!" I yelled out before they fought.
         Something was in the corner of our humble abode. It was quiet, and sneaky. I grabbed a cigarette from the tin can labeled "ciggys". I approached the corner, and seeing Wiz and Alex in the corner of my eye, I charged at the creature.
         "DIE BITCH!!!"I yelled, pounding the fucking ciggy in the creatures back. By the way, it was a cockroach.
         Seeing that I was done killing the vermin, Wiz started up again, "Like I was saying, what's fo dinna!?" He screamed.
         "Shut up, you're gonna attract the dead!" Alex angrily whispered.
         I agreed, as zombies are attracted to noise, especially noise from an angry black dude.
         "Nigga ain't nobody got time fo that!" No zombies around here!" Wiz countered Alex's logical remark.
         As if on cue, like some movie shit planned out, zombies found us and started attacking the barricade I wimpily set up.
         "Goddam it you fucking ape!" Alex said in a super-racial way.
         They kept fighting each other, uncaring about the zom-bitches right outside. I swear I heard Wiz say something about Opera and fried chicken.
         I grabbed a rock, preparing to fight some bitch, zombie or human. "Alex, grab the fucking shit and let's get out of here!"
         "I'm comin' with yo white asses!" Wiz threatened.
         I wasn't scared of him anymore. It was time to ditch the bitch. "FUCK YOU!" I chucked the rock at his ass, which was quite the contrary, because it hit him right in the face.
         "Fuck! Goddam ass balls shit cricket!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, sprawling on the ground! "I just wanted some fuckin' dinner you asswipes!"
         "Let's get the fuck outta here!" I yelled over to Alex, who was packing an ice cream cart.
         He nodded, and we headed out the secret Batmobile exit, armed with a rock and a gay ass ice cream cart. The only problem was the exit led to a steep hill. Once we got to it, there was only one thing to do.
         "We gotta run down this shit!" I commanded, hearing zombies following us slowly.
         Again, Alex agreed and we took the decent. Alex's legs flopped as he tried to steer the ice cream cart. I ran down with trouble as well. Looking towards Alex's direction, I got kinda hungry.
         "Gimme some of that shit!" I said, grabbing an ice cream scooper from the side and a cone. I captured one nice ass scoop of strawberry banana and put in into the cone. Right as I was about to take that first bite, the hill flatted out and I ended up tripping and eating shit instead. Literally, the mud puddle I fell in was actually shit.
         "Damn bro, you ok?" Alex held back a laugh. What an ass clown.
         I was, but the scrumptious strawberry bullshit I had was crushed, and tainted with deer shit.
         "Fuck!" I screamed, and kicked over the ice cream cart. All the shit fell out into the snow. I stubbed my toe on the metal bracing and tried to hide it by speed walking around a tree.
         "Shit, I hear some zom-bitches bro! Let's get outta here!" Alex said like a queer coward. So we ran...
5 GAY Months later.....

Well there we were, spying on those loud ass niggermen from down below. By the way, we went south, in hopes of finding some hillbilly fuckers. But, alas, we ended up in Compton. How ironic for a few white boys like us.
         "Shit man, no more grocery store runs for us." I rasped.
         "Why not man dude guy?" Alex asked.
         "Because you fuckin' retard, the blacks are out on the court blasting that fucking ape music. Something about a gas pedal and asses on the wall makes no fucking sense AT ALL!" I ranted.
         "Ok, shit. That's all you had to say man." Alex looked scared.
One of the apes (Negroes) made a basket. What a fucking bitch. It's the zombie apocalypse and he's worried about his basket to miss ratio. He deserves some harsh ass punishment. Like a summer job on a farm or something..... a cotton farm. Hehehe....
         "We got to get out there, our cheese ball supply is almost out." Alex whispered as he looked out of the apartment window. (We were on floor 20)
Then nerve of that asshole. Those cheese balls would have lasted a lot longer if he hadn't ate them all like a fucking fat ass while wasting our generator power on Black Ops. I grabbed an empty cheese ball bin and fucked his face with it.
         "Want some more cheese balls motherfucker? There's more where that came from. Wait... no, there isn't, because you ate them all you dick!"
         I threw it at him but he ducked. It went out the window. We looked at each other with that 'oh shit' face. We waited for impact.
         "Damn straight!" One of the guys below yelled. "FULL COURT!"
         We heard an impact. The cheese ball tin must have fucked up the shot.
         "Goddamn shit croissant! Who the fuq did this! Nigga that ain't not counting against me niqquas!" He yelled to his teammates.
         That voice though.... It had me like.... Damn. It sounded so familiar. Something about "goddamn shit croissant" rang a bell. Suddenly it hit me. A man came through the door.
         "Josh," said the Russian. "It is me, Reznov. You know that voice..." He echoed. The apartment building turned into some kind of crazy ass warzone. "Not everybody says dumbass shit like 'shit croissant'. Like really, what the fuck does that even mean!? Anyway, remember KFC?
         "Yes..." I said in disbelief. "That's where it all began."
         "Yes brother, and remember the African that you spilt hot sauce onto his eyes?"
         "That was Ketchup..." I commented.
         "No, fucktard," he grabbed my shoulder. "That was hot sauce. That was pretty fucked up you sprayed it in his eyes, but he.... must.... die......"
         I backed up, "What the fucking cameltoe?! Why?"
         Music blasted, and Reznov fell to his knees. "Because I fucking hate Rihanna!" He screamed as the boombox outside played Shine Bright like a Diamond.
         He handed me a gun, "Kill the motherfuckers! Tyrese, Jamal, Tyrone, they must ALL DIE!!!"
         Then the flashback ended. "And that's why Minecraft sucks dick...." Alex said. (Apparently he was talking to me)
         "We got to get the basketball court taken care of.." I said in a trance.
         "Ok.... How?" He asked doubtfully.
         "Like this you pussy!" I cocked the gun (Not vagina-ed the gun, C-O-C-K-E-D it) and headed out the door. I ran down the stairs with Alex right behind me.
         "So how are we going to do it?" He stupidly asked.
         "With a zombie stuffed inside a condom." I said sarcastically. "With a damn gun!"
         We opened the front doors and the negroes stopped and looked at us. "Well well well...." One spoke up. "If it isn't white boy and his..."
         "Shut the fuck up." I interrupted. "I'm tired of you bullshit hot sauce man! Don't start shit. You were the one on the floor bitching at KFC for not getting your McShit's."
         It got quiet, the first time a bunch of niggas were quiet in history. Well, except in the cotton mills....
         Now," I said, holding the gun sideways, "Get yo bitch asses lost."
         One threw a basketball at the side of my head. It hurt like a fucking bitch. I covered my eye because skin flakes from hours of basketball flew in my face. I fired wildly. "Leedle leedle lee!" I screamed.
         There was no bullets, fucking Reznov.
         They all laughed. That's when I got pissed. I went to a pile of rubble and grabbed a brick. "Hey y'all!" I said excitedly. "Look, it's grape-flavored, corn bread-textured, Watermelon-sized fried chicken!" They all looked.
         "Eat fucking cement bitch!" I yelled and chucked the brick. It hit one of the apes in the pinky finger. He died on impact. I picked up another brick and smashed the boombox into pieces. Luckily, I broke it before Dr. Dre got a chance to play. I noticed Alex beating the fuck out of a poor midget niglet and decided to fight.
Out of nowhere, one of the fuckers slam dunked my head into the court. "OHHH!!!!!" He said, "Half court nigga-this nigga-that!" I got up and punched the shithead in the back. Somehow he got up and on top of me. I was being choked. At least my dick was. Just kidding. My throat was. I looked for a way out. There was a trash can! AND A PILE OF DOG SHIT!
I reached for the pile as much as I could and picked up a ball of shit. It was fresh and melted, fucking disgusting. "Eat shit evil-do'er!" (Quite literally)
He fell over and choked on it. Yeah, he was eating shit all right. I dug in the trash and picked up an old ass burrito, a ham sandwich, and a used dildo. Returning to the guy, I shoved the shit into his mouth and stomped. He died. How embarrassing to die with a dildo in your mouth! I turned to Alex, and noticed he already fucked up the other guys. We nodded to each other and left.

2 Faggot months later....

Holy shit!!! Sorry, forgot to turn the font back to normal. Damn dumbasses at Microsoft. Anyways, it was two months later and we were just stalking a cat who had been fucking us over by stealing our supplies. He waltzed into a big factory like he owned the shit, and we pursued.
"Gotcha bitch!" I screamed. The cat screeched and scratched but I managed to get the fucker onto a table and fucked his shit up with one punch. Then I shoved him into a microwave and turned it on for 5 seconds. He came out all retarded.
"What's wrong kitty?" I sympathized. "Felling a little..... radioactive?!" (Radioactive by Imagine Dragons played). I threw the asshole aside and continued.
         We both walked down a hall. Alex was weirdly quiet today. I consoled him but he continued to play Minecraft Pocket Edition on his new tablet. Fuck him, whatevs. Suddenly, a loud screech came out on the loudspeaker. It was like when your teacher has a lisp in class and the "s" all sounds like static so you have no fucking idea what he's saying.
         It was obviously a nerd, "So, you assholes entered my fuckin' haunted Luigi's Haunted Castle?"
         "No dipshit," I yelled. "It's a fucking factory."
"ssssssssssssssssssssssssss............" He screeched and it sounded like all-out static.
         "Fucking shit!" Reznov appeared and yelled. "Kill this Lego-playing nerd!" We all left the warehouse floor and ran up the stairs. Alex grabbed a knife off the floor and busted open the office door. He lunged at the nerd and shut the little bitch up.
         We stared at the nerd. He had some tapped together glasses, which I crushed, just to be an asshole. Apparently, the noise attracted a big ass horde of zom-bitches." They ran up the stairs Nazi-zombie style. We ran up to the rooftop.
         "There's a helicopter up there!" Alex pointed out.
         Reznov grabbed his shoulder and said: "Sorry my brother, only two of us can make it out of Vorkuta." And pushed Alex into the zombies coming up the stairs. I mean, it bought us some time, but shit, that was fucked up. I was scared shitless so I didn't yell at Reznov. We got into the helicopter. It was that awkward silence as we were about to take off. I turned up the radio to break it.
         "Your friend was a good man Josh, but not good enough."
         "Nigga fuq you!" I turned the gun sideways and busted a cap in his ass. No, quite literally, I shot his ass.
         "Fuck brother, why do you do this to me!?" I kicked his dome and he busted out the window, racked himself in a metal pipe then fell off the roof.
         I couldn't help but laugh. I can't believe he just busted his balls on a RAIL!!!! X-D
         Alex jumped into the helicopter. "WHAT THE FUCK!?!" I said in disbelief.
         "I'm not bit.... Just go...." He said out of breath.
         So we left, and left everything behind. I still can't believe those fucking assholes threw a basketball at my head..... Fuck Compton.......

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