Seven Hills 90210

Seven Hills 90210

Beverly Hills 90210 / Buffy: the Vampire Slayer fan fiction.

A comedy with euphemized expletives. (That means dirty words being covered over clumsily, for comic effect.)

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An hour after that day's classes ended at West Beverly High, 16 year old Brenda Walsh sat in a booth inside the Peachpit Diner. She sat across the table from Anya, who had light brown hair and looked like she was Brenda's age.

The black haired Brenda was fuming.

“‘Best friend’?" She said, "Hah! I go off to Paris for a few weeks this Summer, thinking everything is cool back home. Yeah-right. My best friend Kelly Taylor and my boyfriend Dylan McKay F-wording each other! Behind my back!"

Anya asked, "Well where else do you expect them to f-word each other? While you were standing there watching?"

"I wouldn't be at all surprised if they did. Kelly's known for being a bleep."

At that moment the blonde haired Kelly walked up and stood beside the booth.

She said, "And you're being a real b-word Brenda!"

"And here she is the piece of s-word herself. Kelly Taylor."

Now the other girl in the booth smiled. "Hi Kelly. I'm Anyanka. Everyone calls me Anya."

Brenda explained. "Anya's a new student at West Beverly. Her family's just moved here from Sunnydale."

"Sunnydale?" Kelly said, "You mean 'Vampire Town'?"

"Kelly's also an expletive head. Nobody here with any sense, really believes those stories about vampires."

"Oh I do," Anya told them, "and I come from there. Everything you've heard about Sunnydale; the vampires, werewolves, zombies, ghoulies, ghosties and bloodthirsty beasties, and all kinds of demons who go bump in the night, is true; and believe me, being included on the menu of the undead, really helps put everything in its proper perspective. Like this little tiff you're both having."

"This isn't a little tiff!" Brenda told her, "It's major!"

Kelly said, "Brenda's a Meow! Meow! Meow! Meowing expletive b-word!"

Brenda answered, "Expletive b-word and meow yourself Kelly!"

Now Anya asked, "So what do the two of you want to do about it? Do you wish you could kill each other?"

Brenda told her, "I'd love to. If I could get away with it, people would be cheering."

Kelly answered, "And I'd love to myself, if I could get away with it too."

The new girl smiled. "That's all I needed to hear. So you have wished it; so shall it be done."

Brenda and Kelly both looked puzzled by Anya's words.

In a moment, they were no longer inside the Peachpit Diner, or anywhere in Beverly Hills California, or anywhere in the same Era of History. Brenda and Kelly found themselves standing in the center of an Ancient Roman Arena.

The two West Beverly Hills High School Girls stood alone facing each other, in the middle of the Arena. They were scantly clad in Women Gladiator garments, armed with swords and shields. A cheering Roman Mob of thousands was packed into the stands surrounding them.

Up in the stands Anya was seated, dressed in Roman garments, watching the girls with blood lust, as was everyone around her.

The girl from Sunnydale shouted, "Come on! You who are about to die! Let this Game begin already!"

Down in the Arena, Brenda and Kelly began fighting, going at each other hard, without holding back.

The Mob cheered wildly.

Anya called out, "Ten to one on the Brunet!"

As the girls fought, Brenda managed to get her sword around Kelly's shield, and stabbed her deep, through the ribs.

Kelly cried out. "Expletive in Latin!"

She collapsed to the ground, while the mob cheered their loudest.

Kelly lay on her back helpless. Brenda stood above her, holding her sword with both hands, pointing it downward, straight at Kelly's heart.

Kelly raised her hand.

Brenda halted and looked up into the stands, at the Imperial Box Seats where Caesar was seated with his Court.

An Aide whispered into Caesar's ear.

Caesar was outraged. "Stole her boyfriend? For that she deserves to die!"

Caesar signaled thumbs down.

In the stands around him the entire Mob, including Anya, also signaled thumbs down.

Out in the Arena, Brenda thrust her sword downward, stabbing Kelly straight through the heart, and left the sword where it was.

Kelly screamed loudly, and died.

The Mob cheered wildly, tossing flowers, money, etc., as Brenda stood proudly beside Kelly, who lay dead with the sword sticking out of her. The Roman Trumpets played the theme from the movie "Rocky".

Up in the stands, people who'd taken her wager were handing Anya money.

She said, "Told you the Brunet, didn't I?"

Now Brenda saw Dylan standing along the side of the Arena. She rushed over to him.

Brenda and Dylan went into each other's arms. They kissed passionately, holding each other tight. Caesar, his Court and the entire Mob, including Anya cheered, while Kelly lay dead and ignored, with the sword sticking out of her.

Then Brenda, Kelly and Anya were back inside the Peachpit Diner, exactly the way they'd been, before everything changed.

Brenda said, "What the h-e-double toothpicks was that?"

Anya told them, "Remember what I said, about there being demons in Sunnydale? Well I am one of them, and I just went bump in the daytime. I haven't fully introduced myself. I am Anyanka, the Wish Granting Vengeance Demon; and I have just granted both of your wishes."

"Oh I see." Kelly quoted, "'Be careful what you wish for'?"

"Exactly." said Anya. "Now that the two of you've got all that anger out of your systems, don't you both feel so much better?"

Brenda said, "Oh I sure do. One hundred percent better. The rage is ended."

Anya asked, "Now do you two want to go back to being friends again?"

"Oh sure." Brenda said, "What do you say Kelly? I'm tired of us not talking to each other."

She reached her hand out to Kelly, who repeated,

"'What do I say'? I say I want a rematch!"

Anya laughed. "Ah-ha! This is great! I was really raking in those sisterces. So you have wished it, so shall it be done."

In a moment, they were again in the Roman Arena. Brenda and Kelly were fighting with swords and shields, before the wildly cheering Mob.

In the stands, Anya called out, "Ten to one on the blonde!"

Kelly stabbed Brenda through the ribs.

Brenda cried out and collapsed. Then she lay on her back helpless. Kelly stood above her, holding her sword with both hands, pointing it downward, straight at Brenda's heart.

Brenda raised her hand.

Kelly halted, and looked up into the stands, at the Imperial Box Seats, where Caesar was seated with his Court.

Caesar said, "Is it not enough, that she stole the boyfriend, of this virtuous young woman, who gets such outstanding grades? Must she kill her too? No! That would be injustice!"

Caesar signaled thumbs up.

The Mob nodded in agreement, signaled thumbs up and applauded.

Anya sat collecting her winnings from everyone who'd accepted her wager.

"Oh come to Mama," she said "you beautiful sisterces. I wonder what the exchange rate for sisterces is, in Beverly Hills?

Down in the Arena, Kelly lowered her sword.

She now saw Dylan standing to the side of the Arena. He rushed toward her. She tossed her sword and shield aside, and waited for him with her arms wide open.

Dylan rushed past Kelly, knelt down, and picked up the wounded Brenda in his arms.

He said, "She may be dying. I haven't much time to bring her to the Infirmary."

Kelly said, "What!"

Dylan hurried away with Brenda in his arms, heading toward the Arena's Infirmary.

Kelly stamped her foot in outrage. "Oh! Latin for F-word!"