Continuation of my non linear narrative. Birth of my first child
That night I held you, rocking you back and forth while your mother slept and recovered from the struggle of bringing you into this world.
My heart swelled with feelings I did not know existed. I spoke to you and told you many things and you listened. You looked up at me with your eyes, your beautiful soul showing even then. I could feel the strength inside you and I knew I had helped create something unique and special.
As I spoke with you and rocked you back and forth a realization came to me. I knew that no matter how much I wanted otherwise, that some day you would fall and that I would not be there to pick you back up. I made myself a promise that night, and it's one I have kept.
I promised that I would not throw you to the wolves the way I had been. I promised that while I couldn't stop you from falling, that when you did you would know how to pick yourself up again. I have kept that promise.
Your a young woman now. Strong and self reliant. I don't know any other young women who take life as seriously as you do. You are capable of surviving on your own. I know if you fall, you will pick yourself up again. I know that you will fight through the pain of this life because you have already done so more times than is fair. While I know these things, the fear is still there.
Every time I watch you walking to school I feel it. That sense of fear. Will this be a day that you fall? Will this be the day you can't get yourself up?
I want to run to you and tell you to come back home. Stay with me where I can keep you safe. I will keep the wolves at bay because I know they fear me. However, I know that life does not work that way. I won't always be here to keep the wolves from the door. I knew this truth that night I held you, but now I know it even more.
Yet, when I finally go to sleep to never wake again. I can rest easy because I know the wolves will fear you too.