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Rated: 18+ · Fiction · Comedy · #2136571
The British Empire in Wales. - A satire of the British Empire, and my youthful views.
The British Empire in Wales Part One by Rory Smith

The British in Wales

Introduction to Part One

This is a satirical story, with 3 aims;
1) Satire of the British Empire which did some terrible things in it’s history with tens of millions killed in famines, wars and genocides. This tale imagines how it would be if the Welsh had been as badly treated by the British Empire, as other nations of the British Empire were.
2) Satire of my youthful nationalist tendencies. The tale imagines how I saw England. In reality, as an adult I realise England is no worse than any other nation. And English people are the same as other peoples of the world, but in this story England, and the British Empire are the worst nations of the modern world. Scotland is a major partner with England in the British Empire, in this story.
I was a Celtic nationalist growing up. But I realise the Celtic nations, including Scotland, are the same as other nations too. And Scotland and Wales, were as responsible for the British Empire as England was. This story is a satire of my nationalism, not of the reality of the modern nation of England. Anyway, if anything I get on better with English people than anyone else, so please do not take this a real analysis of England.
3) The story is also a satire my youthful left wing views. In this story the upper class and monarchies abuse people in terrible ways. I have discovered upper class people are the same as everyone else too. Also in reality the modern monarchy of the UK seem very nice people. But in this story the upper class, and monarchy are imagined how I saw them, when I was a kid. It is going to the extreme to mock how I thought about the class system.

Part One
Chapter One - Welcome to the Empire of Death.
You have not been told the entire truth about your self-proclaimed great empire.
But let it be said, that the only reason the ocean is salty, is from the tears of the little children of the British Empire’s victims, on the news of the death of their fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers.
And today another cruel oppression is being performed by the English army on the people of their second most original of victims, the Welsh nation.
In the shadow of Wales greatest mountain, Snowdon, the English Royal Guard, and the British Royalist Battle Squad are performing a massacre of horrific proportions on the people of a small Welsh village. On order of the Prince's Chief Agent and Head of HMCI His Majesty's Central Intelligence, Agent Roberts, also known as The Pain Builder. An agent of Welsh descent who wants to punish traitors.
The village of Llanoerfryn, is a Welsh speaking village of 6000 rural peasants, in the mountains of Snowdonia, in the Valley of Dyffryn Melyn Oen.
The valley is being flooded, at great pace to form Llyn Llanoerfryn. Watching is the Prime Minister, the Earl of West Coventry. Who, with his militia of thousands of soldiers, has set off a series of bombs higher up stream to flood the valley, for the hydroelectric, and water resources to be supplied to the West Midlands of England.
From the heights of Snowdon, a crowd of thousands of royalists, and imperialists, cheer as the valley takes a drowning.
But one man is not giving into this cheer. It is Abraham Glyndwr, the rebel leader, and a man from this town.
The town is flooded to punish him, for his actions.
And to the horror, I have not told you. There are still innocent women, children, and old aged pensioners chained to the houses, and halls of the town, to be drowned alive. A settlement of 6000 drowned as punishment.
Abraham tries to fight back the tears, that his wife told him not to spout. But he cannot help it.
The Earl of Coventry goads Abraham, ‘Are you not proud of what your village can do for the people of England, and the great British Empire.’
Abraham tries to break free from his shackles, the rebel is broken by this massacre of his loved ones. The flooding takes 2 hours. The armies, and the Earls laugh as the water rises higher, and higher, eventually covering the Welsh settlement. All that pokes above the water, is the steeples of the many chapels and churches.
Then a rubber duck floats up to the top of the water, Abraham cries out, ‘No, No. Damn you British Empire.’
Abraham shouts in fury, ‘You have killed thousands, of innocent people, to make a point that I was wrong. You are a sick, sick man. You have killed my wife and children, you have killed the innocent.'
The Earl of Coventry screams in fury, ‘You call them innocent. They supported you, and fed you, as you spread rebel ideas, against the King.’
The Earl continues, ‘And we did not kill them. You killed them. You betrayed the King. So your town must die, as punishment for your traitor ways. The people of England show mercy, except to those refuse their master.’
Abraham screams in fury, ‘My people will have their vengeance. One day I, or a great leader will rise up against your rule. We will wake from our sleep, and have our retribution. This is our land, Our people will be free.'
The Earl of Coventry smirks, ‘Your people are free. Free in eternal sleep, to dream of your mystical fantasies.’
Abraham screams back, ‘This is our land, and you have stolen our resources, and land. This is our land, not yours.’
The Earl of Coventry shouts back in fury, ‘This is our land now, creep. We built this reservoir, so it is now ours. Anything built by English hands, belongs to the English. Just as we have taken your oil, coal, slate, and electricity.’
Abraham replies, ‘But it is on our land. We, and the Irish do not get given the roads and bridges in England built by, Welsh and Irish hands, so why should you be given our land, just because you built on our land. You do not own a part of your neighbour’s house, just because you helped him build his shed.’
The Earl replied in indignation, ‘But you forget, your people do not have the brains or ability to build such things, without our help. We could always hire some other peasants from other parts of our empire. The Scottish perhaps.’
The Earl then boasted of how Welsh people, were banned from within 10 miles of the major Welsh castles. He boasted of how Welsh people were often shot with a bow and arrow in Chester, for daring to walk the streets of the city, and of how he was suppressing the Welsh language, to extinction. He himself had shot 15 Welshmen, with bow and arrow for daring to walk the streets of Chester at night. He was an ace archer.

Chapter Two
Abraham was taken to the Tower of London, torture chamber. The Agent Roberts tortured, and goaded him for two hours, nonstop. Water boarding him, telling him his wife was raped by the soldiers, before she died. Telling him his children, cried in fear as the village was flooded. They cried for their father, and what had he created, for his rebelling against the crown, but the destruction of his own people.
But Abraham stood strong.
The PM watched this, for his entertainment. While the King watched his fine soldiers parade in front of him. To the King, the empire must go on.
While Abraham lay asleep, in his cell, he was visited in his dreams by the ghosts of two small boys, who told him that his family were happy in heaven now, and that they knew he was not to blame, for their deaths, but the King of the British Empire was.
Abraham asked who the boys were. They replied, ‘We were killed for a King of England’s crave for power.’
Abraham woke up from sleep, to hear the door of his cell being opened.
He expected to be tortured again, but instead into the chamber arrived Lady Christine Waterstone, well known do gooder of the English nation. A rebel of the aristocracy, who had provided aid and support to the poor, vulnerable and outcasts.
She told him of her horror, at the history of abuse, of the Welsh, by the English Empire. Of the famines that killed 3 million Welsh people in the 19th century.
Of the Welsh villages executed in the 1950s. Of the towns of Swandiff, and Wrexgor massacred of the male inhabitants, over the age of 18, for the rebellion of only a handful of their town's inhabitants. Of the children who had their tongues removed as punishment for speaking Welsh in school. A guard shouted and screamed through the door at the Lady. Then she bent over, and kissed Abraham, and as she did she slipped in a card, and key to his hands. A tear dropped from his eyes.
The odious guard screamed at the Lady. ‘You do gooders should be in prison too. These rebel creeps are the bane of the nation of England. We should kill all Welsh people, and all leftists, for a pure England.’


The Lady left the tower, but she had rescued the hero of the rebellion.
Abraham undid the chains that he was chained to the wall in. Then he used the card to open his cell door. The guard at the door, looked shocked to see the door open.
Abraham said, ‘Oh the lady forget something.’ Then Abraham did a karate chop to the guards neck striking him down, with one blow. Abraham ran down the stairs knocking out the guards, and fleeing the tower, with great pace. He looked at the card, and saw an address had been written on it.
To his satisfaction, there was an address on it, the home of a supporter of the rebellion.
Abraham found the flat, nearby and was welcomed in as a hero of the rebel forces.
There he met a beautiful Muslim woman of South Asian descent. A lady called Sarola. She explained, she was of the rebel forces, and needed to take Abraham to the special base to help start the rebellion.
While there, they heard police helicopters fly over, and police cars and military arrive. Sarola turned on the TV to discover Abraham’s face was plastered all over the media, that now they knew the brave rebel had escaped the Tower of London.
Sarola gave Abraham, a disguise, she gave him make up, a wig, a false beard, and change of clothes, to look like an old man, so that now the guard forces would not recognise him.

Chapter Three
Abraham ran through the streets with Sarola, and saw posters spreading propaganda of the best of Britain, and England and Scotland. Saying, ‘We are the greatest. Everyone is jealous of us for we are the greatest nation on the planet. The world must subsume to our rule. We are humble, and modest and have never done anything wrong. But rile us, and we will destroy your land, to barren desert.’
Abraham was fleeing, and fell over when an English upper class lord of thirty two tripped him up, with his walking cane. The Lord then asked Abraham to apologise.
Abraham was looked at by Sarola then said, ‘My father was killed by a lord for not doffing his cap. My mother was chained to a horse, and dragged to her death for turning down a lord for bed. I will not bow down for a man who tripped me.’
The Lord replied, ‘You are a communist mong. And I will report you to the authorities. you Welsh sheep botherer.’
A Scottish man of twenty seven watched on, and castigated Abraham for being, 'A weird Welshman, who did not show respect to his betters, and that he was a Welsh sheep botherer.’
Abraham replied, ‘Well, we do it to them, and you eat them. So who has the last laugh?'
Abraham then said to the lord who was phoning the police, ‘You do realise, that by reporting me. I would be killed by His Majesty’s forces.’
The Lord replied, ‘Yes, and that will bring me great pleasure. Oh! Your woman will become my slave, and will do all I demand of her. The pleasure will be all mine.’ Abraham replied, ‘Good, well expect me to feel no guilt over this.’
Abraham karate chopped the Lord in the neck, and the Lord fell to the earth, shaking, and trying to cry out.’
Abraham, and Sarola ran for it, through the streets while a siren was heard, and a police drone flew over them.
Sarola called in Abraham to come to her underground hide out.
They ran into the alley way, and then Sarola went to a large bin, that had the room for a person to jump into. Sarola then climbed in.
Abraham spoke, ‘There is not enough room for the two of us. Where do I go?’
Sarola, then pressed a button and, then started to move down. It was a lift, and then Abraham climbed in.
The two went down a chute, and ended up in an underground base.
The first thing Abraham did in the base, was check up on Welsh Football League to see how it was going. The North Wales Scots were top. Then he checked how his favourite team North Wales Wanderers were doing in the English league system. They had just been promoted to the Super League, the previous season, under Scottish boss Alex Haircus. He watched them win 2-0 against Londoninium Thistle, to win, in the League, to move up to seventh. He cheered star player Gareth Ram. This was how he liked to relax.

Read Part Two of the Brits in Wales, in my portfolio.
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