Based on the loss of my mum, it was a prompt from last year.
|6 years down the line. Emotions are at the back of the mind and only small reminders lie around in life. A quick whiff of the perfume she used to wear, a drive past the old café we ate in every Friday with her mother. So many memories to remind me of the blue eyed, macaroni loving woman, but they're never enough. Not the thoughts, not the happy times. Nothing tarnishes my memories but everything makes them feel weak. Everything I do brings back the thought.
She should be here.
If only she was still here to see me. It's the little things that make me think it. My achievements as a person that she would be so proud of. The tiniest moment from going to breakfast at a hotel that we had went to in the past, or dinner in the hotel down the road. Of course I still remember all the holidays her family spent there. We would visit them for a meal, three course, totally fancy. When I would wear dresses. I haven't worn a dress to dinner in a long time. I did it so I was what she wanted me to be. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted, but it was, because anything that could possibly make her happy is what I wanted. Anything and everything that I could do to make her smile, laugh, sing and dance like an idiot. Even if I could get her eyes to shine a little, or brighten after she had a bad day. If I could do something that did that then I was doing it, no argument.Everyone always used to ask me:
"What would you say to her if you could talk to her right now?"
I think it was 6 months after, when I was going to a dance and she never got to see my dress. My friend's mother had said she would love that one so I should wear it. So I did. Oh, it was a beautiful dress. It reminded me of her bridesmaid dress she wore to her sister's wedding. A sequined bodice and netted skirt with silk lining. Almost a light shade of golden, the colour of a field full of wheat. It wasn’t really what I would consider pretty, but I got it for her, not me. At the time I wasn’t religious in the heaven and hell way of the word, but every time I looked behind me, I felt like she was there.
Now after 6 years of missing her, I still do. I miss her every day and that weight of her not being there is always on my shoulders, and I often wonder to myself: is this why I struggle with things in my life? Am I failing school because she's not here with me? Not giving me the hugs and goodnight kisses I need to stay strong. I guess that might be it.
A light breeze sweeps the grass of a cliff as I walk to the edge and sit on an old paint chipped black bench, looking out over the water. It's beautiful. The waves are hitting the rocks below in perfect harmony with the birds that swoop in to catch the fish they hunt for. The sun is warm despite the time of year in late February and it shines upon the clear ocean causing an iridescent shimmer to lie, like the brush stroke of a great artist. I sigh softly in my position, letting the heat of the sun's rays penetrate my pale skin and close my eyes.
Suddenly I feel a hand on my own and open them again, turning to meet the blue eyes of the face I had only been able to see in pictures of days gone by.
"Tell me, after all this time, do you still think of me?" She asks, her voice the same as it always was - warm and inviting.
"Of course I do, I never stopped, but why are you here now?" I feel tears of happiness reach my eyes as she smiles, the same way she always had.
"I'm always here sweetheart. I just knew now was the right time to show myself. I only have an hour here but we can make it last, okay?" I nod, wiping my eyes.
It felt like hours had passed. We had talked about what happened, what was going to happen, how we had both been. I knew it had to end sometime, I just didn’t want it to. Then she says what I was dreading to hear.
"It's nearly time for me to leave, honey."
"No, please, I can't lose you again!" I choke out as all the emotions I had built up over the past 5 years giving way to a floodgate of tears.
"You knew I had to go eventually, sweetheart. And I'm always going to be here for you, you know that." She whispers, wiping away my tears with her thumbs gently.
"I can't watch you leave again-" I whimper, more tears falling from my eyes.
"Then don’t, come here." She smiles, hugging me close so that my head is resting on her shoulder.
I continue to cry, finding comfort as my mum strokes my hair.
My mum. The woman who gave me life, who cared for me. Every grazed knee, every bumped head, every scraped elbow. She was always there, and now I had to say goodbye. To the most beautiful blue eyes on the whole earth, that never changed no matter how much she went through. Even in death, they were so bright. I closed my eyes, still thinking about her as my tears slowed down, ceasing to exist as I snuggled into her warmth.
"Goodbye sweetheart-" She kissed my forehead once more before I felt her presence disappear.
I shifted so I was sitting up. She wasn’t there. I looked out onto the ocean again and saw an orca pod pass by. There was one at the side of the group, going off course from its family. I frowned but smiled when a larger whale steered it back to the main pod.
"Goodbye mum..." I whispered, smiling to myself as I watched the pod.
One more hour. What would you give, to have one more hour? With anyone you love that has passed on to the other side. What would you give to have them back for 60 more minutes?